It's been 17 months since my Husband's death and I feel like I am a different person

by Liz
(Arizona)

My Husband of 30 years died 17 months ago from stage 4 lung cancer. He lived for 2 months, and 2 chemo treatments after his diagnosis. Everything was so quick. He stopped being able to walk without a walker, and couldn't do anything for himself. I was his caregiver and we never made it to get hospice help. He worked for 1 month after his diagnosis but had to take leave after that as he was so weak and was wasting away to nothing. The morning of his death, I called 911 as he had passed out. When I got to the ER, he was hooked up to iv's as the Doctor's were trying to get his blood pressure up. His organs were failing. He was in so much pain and asked me to help him but to do that the iv's had to be taken out. I didn't hesitate and I had a legal documentation, so I asked that every iv be taken out and that he be given something for his pain. While he was getting morphine, I held his hand and told him how much I loved him and that it was alright for him to let go. He was holding on for me as he told our Daughter's how worried he was about me. He looked into my eyes and then passed away. I feel like I have made a lot of changes since his death. I sold our condo and moved to a new (smaller) town and bought a new home. I am meeting new people, although it is hard. I am not dating yet as I just can't go there. I think of my Husband all the time. I am not crying as much and a lot of the times, I remember all of the good memories. I just miss him so much!!! This is really hard.

Comments for It's been 17 months since my Husband's death and I feel like I am a different person

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Sep 05, 2014
Lung cancer stage 4
by: Mustang

That was the same diagnosis to my husband who is asthmatic but survived only for a month from the date he was diagnosed. I told him the same thing its ok for him to leave me and he can go now instead of me seeing him in pain. I was his private nurse the whole time he was confined and died at the hospital. He confessed things he hid from me his mistress and had no choice but to forgive him and he died holding my hand. How can I not forgive him when I saw him the whole time his pain and suffering. I've been crying and just realized if I was crying because he was dying or was it because of the hidden secret of having a mistress. I got dual pain - from losing him and at the same time for being cheated by the person
I loved so much.

Aug 30, 2014
a year have gone since you passed away
by: Anonymous

My husband died a year ago, due to cancer of the esophagus, June 20, 2013. As soon as I open my eyes every single day a keep asking why? We were married for 33 years , our daughter of 18 years old is waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks , she is going to a psychologist trying to keep a "normal" life. His father will not be present when she graduates from high school. He wanted so much to live to see her that day. We do not no what to do... I keep asking to myself and to the Lord up there, why we live only a short time that at the end of our lives we will not ever remember? He left us with a lot a pain in our hearts trying to understand why people get sick and others kill each other. There are many more questions with no answer... I only know that we do not know..

Aug 26, 2014
Deepest sympathy
by: Lawrence

Hi Liz,
We both lost our precious partners on near enough the same time, although sadly you had to see your husband’s life ebb away.
My lovely wife died in the blink of an eye on Christmas day 2012, one minute talking, the next dying.
Nothing in life prepares for such a nightmare.
The turkey was cooking in the oven all the family was with us for the traditional dinner; it was just a normal day
Within the next two hours I was closing her eyes and watching her take her last breath, kissing her goodbye and thanking her for seventy years of absolute bliss.
Like you, I think of my wife all the time and a day rarely goes by without shedding a tear, although the pain and anguish does get easier
Strangely enough she knew she was going to die soon, because a couple of days before, she cupped my face in her hands and gently kissed me saying “Thank you for marrying me and making my life so happy”.
I asked her if she was ill but she said she was fine, but two days later she passed away in front of my eyes
We had been together for most of our lives and yet I failed to pick up any signal that her life was drawing to an end.
I admire you immensely for all the changes you have made; it took tremendous courage to do it
I am making changes in my home like having the house painted inside and out and a new patio laid.
I feel like a puppet on a string and my dear sweet wife is making all the decisions for me, I hope she was smiling when all the workmen came.
As for dating, well my sweetheart was the first girl I ever kissed and the last on her deathbed and I have no desire to kiss anyone else
But as for you Liz, I’m sure your husband wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life alone.
After my wife died I wrote a poem, the last few lines are

THEN YOU DIED, LEAVING ME TO MOURN
A SHADOW PASSED OVER THE SUN
BUT NOW YOU'VE GONE, WERE STILL A PAIR
A PAIR, JUST MINUS ONE.

With deepest sympathy

Lawrence


Aug 25, 2014
not alone
by: kelly

There is nothing that can compare to the pain of loss. Its really good that you are learning to cope with this loss.As long as your memories are there you with will hurt at times, but its good to remember. I recently lost a brother-in-law and a brother, it may not compare but I well understand what you are going through.
One thing I would like to share with you is what has also kept me strong, that is the hope of a resurrection. Whether you choose to believe it or not, having a hope of seeing your loved ones again sure helps the process.- John 5:28,29
I hope for you the best as you continue to heal.

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