It's Been A Long tough Road

by Sherry Hanner
(Michigan)

My husband was diagnosed with colon cancer last year and passed away Mon. Oct 10. I'm am so angry and asking God to help me with forgiveness for anything that could go wrong DID!
In Sept. He was suppose to move into the hospice program which never took place because of legal issues with insurance co, and the providers. Because of the mix up I was offered a letter from the home health and hospice that he would on their behalf receive free hospice with a letter stating so with the organization's deepest regrets with all the mix-up's. One night my poor husband couldn't even keep his oral meds down and I called the on call nurse where she advised me to give anti nausea med. Well....That didn't work so I called her back and she gave me the attitude like "why are you bothering me with this?" She wanted me to give his oral med a quarter at a time until he reached his max dose he was taking. Mind you we're talking about 2 full syringes of two different meds. I figured out how long this would take and realized it would take one hour just for one syringe and would have to start all over again just with that one syringe not including the second syringe of the other med. I became upset realizing I would not be getting any sleep and on top of it was sick myself with a severe sinus infection where every time I bent over to help him my nose dripped blood! I offered to take him to the hospital that night where he declined as we have had a few other trips with no success as the ER Dr.'s are afraid to touch cancer patients with fear of giving too much pain med! Any way the next day he was admitted for a couple days where he was transferred to a long care facility (which I promised him would never happen)but....with me being able to stay with him at all times only needing the help of a nurse he seemed to be ok with it. Unbeknownst to me.....The hospital order was sent with only half the order that he was getting at home. I begged for the nurses to help him as he was aware of everything that was happening to him. I called for the free hospice service just for his dosage change and they quote said "We do not have a contract with that facility." It said no where in this letter of apology that it was for specific places! The nurse had to send me out a few times for some air because watching something that could have been so peaceful ended up to be a nightmare for both my husband and I. He was very restless but we both got through it in our own personal way. I laid next to me rubbing his back, neck, stroking his hair until he took his oxygen off and refused not only that but his meds. I the climbed out of bed and got face to face with him and told him to focus on me and to take a deep breath and try to relax by focusing. I told him it was time for him to go while he shook his head no and reminded him he had a very important job on the other side plus he had loving arms waiting for him. I asked him if he would like to pray the Lords prayer etc....(Catholic) and he shook his head yes while holding my hands. We looked into each others eyes and started praying. As we prayed, the tears flowed down my face with me telling him that I loved him very much and him mouthing "I Love You" shortly then after he took his last breath and passed on. Today I'm asking the Good LORD to help me find forgiveness for all the wrong that has happened. NO PERSON should ever have to suffer with the anxieties, and fears that this gentle man did Nor should any family member have to suffer in watching what their loved one is going through!

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Oct 16, 2011
The Road is Long
by: TrishJ

Sherry~
Let me say first how sorry I am for your loss. My husband passed away on December 3, 2010. Our only daughter was married yesterday without her dad there (he will always be with us in spirit).
My husband was on a heart transplant list at a Chicago hospital. Everything that possibly could go wrong went wrong with his care too.
As healthcare professionals (I am a nurse) there is a fine line between professional detachment and downright rude coldness. With people working around and with terminal patients for a long period of time it is typical for them to seem cold and uncaring. What is every day routine to them is earth shattering to the patient and their family members and they lose sight of that. I constantly had to remind staff to stay empathetic to everyone involved. The really good ones are few and far between, actually angels on this earth.

I was mad at God for about three months after my husband passed. I think that's to be expected. Hopefully you will come to realize that God was very loving by taking your husband when he did and not allowing him to suffer any longer. I did. I don't miss him any less but I have managed to come to terms with his death. I still have days where I spend at least 1/2 hour crying and longing for him. I have had to learn to take my life just one day at a time and block certain things out of my mind, for now.

The doctors and nurses involved in your husband's care are only people. They aren't God, although some of them think they are. I worked for many doctors over the years and trust me when I say they don't like to lose a patient. They do everything they can to keep them going. It hurts them. That's why they seem to lack emotion as the years go by. They put up a wall to block out their true feelings.

Take care of yourself. You have come to the right place. Continue to come here and write your feelings. It really helps.

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