It's been a year

by Elizabeth
(Raleigh, NC USA)

My divorce was finalized a year ago, after a year of separation beforehand. I was married to my spouse for only 4 years, together for 7. There were no warning signs before we married that life would change. After 6 months of being married, he decided he didn't want children, but I prolonged the relationship to see if he might change his mind. I was 29 years old at that point. 2 years later, it ended.

I made some very drastic decisions, which I should have waited to make. I moved out of our house, to another city nearby some friends of the family, and started a new job. At the end of the separation year, I lost my job, then spent 3 months searching for another. Going through all of the pain at one time was not helpful.

Now a year after the official divorce, I am trying to comfort myself more than ever. I have a fantastic job, but with high stress moments. I am finally seeing the grieving process unfold, and it's been 2 years since I have let it transpire. I'm starting to feel less angry at myself and my former spouse for the way life seemed to deal me a negative card.

At this point, I am trying to take time for me on a daily basis to reflect, and write in a journal. However, I seem to get stuck in a pattern of wanting to be in a healthy relationship again, even if not with my ex husband, but feel somewhat jaded that it will ever happen again. I met him online, and just don't even want to explore that avenue again. There are so many things that make it hard to feel like I can just move onward at this point. I definitely feel stuck, but not hopeless.