It's been almost 3 years

by maria
(mississauga, ontario, canada)

After having to put my father in a nursing home 4 years ago because of alzheimers, my mom was never the same.
I would pick my mom up and we would go and visit him.
Some days he would remember her, and me. Other days he would just remember her.
The guilt she felt over having to do this overwhelmed her.
She was very sick. Arthritis, high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, and myelofibrosis(disease of the blood). It's amazing she made it as long as she did.
I was going to take her on vacation with my family, but she wanted to stay nearer to my dad, we were travelling 200 miles north. No airport near by nor a hospital.
When we returned I found a message on my phone, her pleading me to call her. I called and she told me she was feeling like a cold was coming on. She had an appointment to see the doctor the next day at noon.
I had to go to the store that day. I had 4 loads of laundry. Instead of making the left hand turn to go see her, (she was living with my brother, she wasn't alone), I went home.
There are many other parts to this story, but all I keep feeling is that if I had made that left hand turn that day things would be different.
I should have said screw the laundry, screw how tired you are, but I didn't. The, "I shoulda, coulda, woulda, (basically I didn't), I didn't!!"
At 7:30 am the next morning my brother called me and told me my our mom had died.
I don't think that the loss of one's mother ever gets less painful. but as the weeks and months go by it doesn't feel like THAT day, the pain isn't as deep.
But it will always be painful when you remember how much she meant in your life.


Comments for It's been almost 3 years

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Feb 19, 2011
Guilt/Grief and shoulda woulda coulda


Welcome to the club of shoulda woulda coulda. I think that at least 3/4th of us here are part of that club. Guilt is a huge factor in grief unfortunately. You could not have stopped what happened. As much as you and we would like to change the outcome. I'm sure you have been told this already I just wanted you to know you are not the first nor the last person to feel this way. I think that we all do...

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