It's complicated

by Keri
(Palos Verdes Peninsula CA)

He was my first everything. I was pretty innocent. At 17 and 20 our relationship was filled with passion and experimenting and ups and downs. His childhood was abusive to put it lightly. Mine was pretty much a good childhood. My parents were overprotective and didn't like him for the most part but they learned to love him because I did and so my dad got him a job at the place he was a VP at. He was good at it. He then had things to talk to my dad about so it got better.
His mom was such a beautiful lady but so sad. She loved me though and I worked for her. She taught me patiently and when she was ON she was great but when she was OFF she was horrible to my boyfriend. Not so much me. So in a way, I knew she could control her outbursts. She ended up killing herself while we were together. We had just gotten engaged. We never had a chance to tell her. I never fully understood the demons he was running from and so when he would yell at me and hit me like his parents did, I never fully comprehended his horrible life, but now I know.
We eventually broke up. Well meaning adults kept us away from each other. At that age, the abuse was too much for me and though it was as if I had gone through a death, the break up finally took and we lost touch.
He found me on facebook almost two years ago.
He started out by apologizing at how horrid he had been to me. I was going through my own need to forgive and the release was like a "high" I had never experienced. The facebook messages became private and then turned to emails and Instant messages and texting and then phone calls, until we finally met. Twice.
He has been separated from his wife for twenty years. They are together in name only through his financial support. Lots of things happened with them and their family which had a lot to do with his own demons and so he feels he owes them his support. They call him only when they need him financially.
In a way, I am glad that I didn't go through what he put hisi family through. He is a good man but he made some pretty messed up mistakes. I don't think I could ever marry him though if I would, he would move heaven and earth to marry me.
I let it go too far with him because of so many emotions due to our history. The first love thing, the forgiveness, the "see what you lost" validation I feel from him. And the fact that even letting him in an inch was due to problems in my own marriage.
But my husband is not a cheater or a liar. And he knows and has forgiven me and still loves me.
I am slowly trying to not think about him, let alone cut the contact but after almost two years it still feels like a big gaping hole where he once was for the past two years. Any tips on how to let go???

Comments for It's complicated

Click here to add your own comments

Oct 08, 2012
Not Really
by: Judith in California

Keri, it's a no brainer. It's not really complicated at all. You let go because you are a married woman with a loving and forgiving husband. You let go now to keep him.
It' unfair to him to even think of someone else. How would you like it if he pined away for another woman? It would make you feel like crap. You let go because it's the sensible and right thing to do and you let go and never look back.
He's not worth what you could have lost. He's not worth hurting your husband over. He 's not worth the abuse from the past no matter how sorry he says he is. I'll bet he beat his wife and that's whay they were seprated. Tho he probably wouldn't tell you if he did. You are more important than that . You owe it to your whole being to just say out loud "i'm done and there is no going back, no thinking about him from this day forward. You owe your husband the respect of your marrigae vows. Your word is your word to God as well.. Nothing good ever comes from cheating. It deep down still bothers your husband and he will be looking for signs of betrayal along with signs he can trust you again.

Oct 07, 2012
It's complicated
by: Doreen U.K.

Keri you sound like a very sensible and articulate woman. LETTING GO is one of the hardest things to do. I struggled with this my whole life. Over 40 years. This decision could be made easy with MATURITY on your side.
If not then you could go and see a counsellor who could help you on this journey to make it more smooth for you.
Half the battle is makeing the right decisions for the right reasons and not compromising this due to emotions getting in the way. Rather like your heart ruling your head. You need to make all decisions from your HEAD and thinking processes, and not your HEART.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Relationship.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!