It's hard to live without you mama

by Ivy

It has been 5 months since my mother died on December 11, 2011 and I still miss her so much. My mom had trouble breathing early last year and since she was always complaining about shortness of breath when climbing stair, I thought it was just because she lacked exercise. Then when she had an x-ray it showed that one of her lungs were white because they were filled with water. The doctor requested the she be admitted to remove the water and find the cause of the filling. After the water was taken out, she felt better. Could breath easier and the doctor said she was improving. On july 2011, she got admitted again to remove the last of the water and this time she had to undergo surgery because her scoliosis made it had for them to remove the water. The surgery went well and they did a biopsy of the lumps they found in her lung, they said they found cancer but they didn't know where the exact source was. My mom kept believing in God that she would be healed til the very end.Her faith in God never wavered and I guess God's plan was to take her away but it happened so fast. In December, my mom asked me to go home (I was away doing my internship in college) I told her I couldnt go home but she persisted. She was at the hospital that time bec she was in pain. We fought at the hospital because she kept complaining she was in pain and she was dying and I didnt want to hear that so I told her that its not true. I left on Sunday afternoon because I had duty the next day. When I was at duty,my brother called that the doctor said my mom only had 3 months to live and that my mom couldn't really speak anymore. I called her but my brother said that I should just talk because she has trouble speaking because she gets out of breath by talking. When the phone was given to her, I couldnt do anything but cry. She gave the phone back to my brother and he explained that she didnt want to hear me cry and that she gets mad when she sees people crying. I couldn't get out of duty until the weekend because there were rules and I had to attend so that I could graduate besides I had patients of my own so that week I had to pretend that everything was ok even though I was not. When I went home on Saturday, she was had an oxygen tank next to her and had the mask on. I just cried and cried. I had never seen her so weak in my life. She couldn't really talk but she told me not to cry in her angry voice. I just went on the bed next to her and cried the whole day I took care of my mom. Alot of our relatives were there so it was even more sad seeing them cry too. My mom then requested my aunt to sit next to her and my aunt told me that she asked her to take care of her children especially me since I was the youngest. The whole day and night I was next to my mother and the next day around 4pm, I couldnt stand it. I was in so much pain. I told my mom I had to leave so I could piece myself together for duty the next day. She started moving and then all of sudden she got really short of breath. I lifted her up and called my aunt and uncle. She suddenly tooki lots of quick breaths and she went limp. She died in my arms. I was in shock and I didnt want to believe it but I knew deep down she was gone. It all happened so quickly. The next few days were really hard on me, all my mom ever wanted from me was that I graduate and I did but she wasn't there and that was the saddest graduation for me. My mother was the type of person who was always there for me, I depended on her in so many ways. She was my best friend. She was a strong woman and a single mother. She's the type of person who would be there no matter what and who would love me no matter what I did. Until now, I still wake up crying often. I'm all alone now, my brother and my sister have families of their own and it was just gonna be me and my mom after I graduated. I promised her that. Now I don't know what to do most of the time. I miss her so much....

Comments for It's hard to live without you mama

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May 12, 2012
heart broken
by: Geoffrey Campbell

I am still weeping after reading your letter, even though I am an old man. I feel so sorry for you, and I could feel the pain in your letter. I will pray for you, you are precious in God's sight, and thank you for sharing, your letter is beautiful and gives honor to your Mother.

May 12, 2012
by: nadia

I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. Its been 5 months for me too. My mom past away the day after christmas,I went to say goodbye christmas after noon and knew I wasn't going to see her again. I am a registered nurse so I knew that when they put on the morphine sticker she wasn't going to make it. I cried the whole time. I wasn't there when she died the next day. I didn't want that imprinted in my brain. I can just imagine it playing over and over in your head. I wish there was something we could do to erase those awful nightmare memories and just rewind time. Cure them and still have them close. I would give anything right now for just one hug from my mom. My mom also was a very strong person and I withdrew some of her strength when she hugged me. I miss that so much. who is going to keep me strong now? I really feel for you ********
I hope this emptiness goes away. I am praying it does.

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