Its More than Grief Now

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Its more than just words on a Stone

Its more than just words on a Stone

I have wondering for sometime about counseling. To me I'm feeling depressed, lost and spiraling out of control. I thought it was the 1 year mark coming so I just held on for dear life and let it take me where it would. Problem is I'm experiencing more than that.

Depression is an emotional disorder marked by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration and feelings of dejection, a state of being depressed, affected with emotional depression.

I feel a darkness that covers me like a blanket at time so tight I can't breathe and I just want to close my eyes and let it take me away. I went back on my postings and I'm finding the pain, desperation and despair I wrote so overwhelming. I just can't continue this way ~ something has to happen.

Its a wonder anybody can survive the lost of a love one weather it be soul mate, child or friends. The emotional bond we have with them has been ripped from our souls.

We that being said and all the encouragement I have received through this site I have looked online for Grief share groups in my area. Its hard to admit to myself but its been bouncing around in my head for awhile that I needed to seek outside help. Your postings here have confirmed my thoughts and feeling. I don't want to continue to spiral, drown, drop or any other description of words I can think of and feel like this. I need to move 1 step, 1 breath at a time as I've always signed. I want to "Live, Laugh, Love each day with Passion" as Billy so believed we should.
So, wish me luck ~ its a new step, 1 small baby step forward.
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year

Comments for Its More than Grief Now

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Jul 11, 2011
I agree
by: Shirley

Cousin...go to a counselor and just let it all out. It will help. I was in counseling the entire time Dimitri was ill. It gave me some perspective. Wish I lived closer so that I could hug you.

Jul 11, 2011
Hooray for you
by: Judy


I am so glad you have made the decision to look for counseling. Asking for help isn't a weakness. It's a strength to know when you cant go it alone. Hang in there and keep us posted. You go girl.


Jul 11, 2011
You need help
by: Anonymous


Please talk to your family doctor, or find one if you need to. I finally went on antidepressant medication and it pulled me out of a pit of despair. It does not make you feel high or spacey. It just makes you feel somewhat normal again, better able to handle things.

You definitely sound like you are in a true clinical depression. Medication and counseling can help so much. Please followup on what you said you would do. And keep us posted.

We care.

Jul 11, 2011
its more than grief now
by: jules

Patricia - I am so pleased that you are looking for some help dealing with this part of your life.
This will help you live the life that you say Billy believed you should have - but don't discount seeing a medical doctor, and perhaps using some medication for the short term, to help get your brain rebalanced - for this is what some depression is - a chemical imbalance -it may help you see things in a clearer fashion - go to the grief sharing group you choose as well.
Keep sharing your feelings and thoughts on here - I look forward to hearing your progress.
take care
and always - one step, one breath

Jul 10, 2011
More than just grief
by: M Mack


I'm so glad you are taking the steps to move forward in a more positive direction by getting help. Your cries have been heard loud and clear. They echo my sentiment in so many ways only that I am more reserved. I hold it in and go through the motions of being "ok" when inside I'm burning with sadness. I needed to clear the air and to talk to a professional one on one and it has given me new found inner peace. This has been a long and painful road for me as well. I pray you feel better and you find the same strength that I did. Please follow through with this and don't ever think we just read posts and are not concerned. We care and want you to get a handle on grief, climb out of the sadness and pain to be whole. You are a good person Patricia and know I will be praying and support you in any way I can.

Jul 10, 2011
Permission to Go
by: Anonymous

Hi Pat, you don't need our permission to go to counseling. Give yourself permission to go and make an attempt to be the best Pat you can be.

Yes, you can do it for your physical and mental health - you must and deep down you know it . So get going Pat.

Insanity is expecting different results doing the same thing over and over.

We care about you.

Jul 10, 2011
More Than Grief
by: Judith in California

Pat, You may want to check wth your local hospital and see if they have a grief support group. Most of them do. Please check it out.
I wish you the best Pat. Keep us informed of your progress.

You have made it to here , you have made it through the worst part of it now it's the coping and finding yourself again. I'm so glad I have had my grief therapist from day one.

I'm finally coming to peace knowing my husband is no longer having to deal with pain, and no longer losing all of his abilities to do for himself. I'm glad he had me to love him through it all and am at peace knowing he was treated with love, dignity and respect until his very last breath. I truly know he knew that, even at those few times when I became frustrated and upset , I loved him with all my heart and soul. And I'm forgiving my guilt for becoming frustrated and upset because I am only human not like God.

The best to you Pat.

Jul 10, 2011
Yeah For You :)
by: TrishJ

Good for you Pat. There is nothing wrong with needing a little help. As I said before you need to be with people who have experienced what you are going through. They will be a huge support system. Nobody knows the pain until we go through it. As sick as Joe was for two years I always knew there was the possibility that he might not make it. Nothing prepared me for the total devastation of my entire life blowing up in my face. My husband gone. My mind wouldn't or couldn't wrap itself around those words. My husband is dead. I'm all alone. I've had some good days but mostly I'm grieving. Going to the Grief Share meetings helped me see that people actually do find their way back to happiness. It's different for everyone ~ I'm not there yet but these meetings taught me it is possible.
I'm so happy to hear you've made the decision. Keep us all posted.

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