It's not getting easier

I wish I could find some solace in being one of the lucky ones to have had 35 years of the kind of love that many people never get to experience. I wish I could find some serenity in just looking outside at the majesty of nature which my husband was such a lover of when he lived. Instead I feel tired. Tired of pretending that somehow this still all matters. I have managed to “do” plenty but it comes more from a frantic need to fill the time and space around me so I don’t have a moment to think about him not being here. When I do stop activity or wake to an empty bed then my thoughts allow my emotions to fall off the ledge and I end up in the hole.

I know life has an end. Knew it then, know it now. I just wish that I wasn’t the one left behind. Yes, life has an end but now it also is empty. Devoid of feeling. Just doing, no feeling. I was so in love that now I can’t find anything that creates that sense of union. There is nothing that can bring me to that place of refuge from all the slings and arrows that the world throws in our path. I have chosen to put as much distance as possible between me and the world because I simply cannot stand any more hurt.

I used to care. A lot. Now I am an automaton going through the motions hoping against hope that my time is measured. I come to this website because I know that no matter what I write there will be an instant understanding of the “feeling” that I am trying to relate. I would never have believed that the death of my husband could do this to me but I now know how people living with mental anguish have such a hard time functioning. There is an wise Indian saying that says: “Until you have walked a mile in my moccasins, will you then know my journey.”

Comments for It's not getting easier

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Oct 10, 2014
by: Sue

O my Gosh, I am so so sad for you, I have been in your shoes, and can feel your pain. words are easy but getting through each day, in fact getting through each hour of each day is such a struggle. God only knows how we get through, we do. Please believe this, we cannot live in the darkness grief brings forever. At your stage I could not think there would be any hint of light in the world but slowly the light will shine you may not recognise it when it starts,I hope you get some peace soon


ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Oct 09, 2014
It's ok...
by: Micheal

I feel for you! I truly do! And here is why.. My sweetheart and I met at a very young age, At the age of 8, The relationship kept going strong until the age of 24, We got our own place, Completely in love,, I am convinced now that she was my soulmate. We went to bed about a week after moving in and the furnace gave off carbon monoxide, It killed her and put me in the hospital.

Anyway my point is I still suffer from it, I have PTSD,

It will never go away, You just need to be strong and ask yourself? What would they want me to be doing? Suffering? No! Cry your eyes out! every now and then, And get out there do what you think they would love to see you doing! You are going to take this to your grave, So please be happy on your journey there there! And always remember that there is a part of them inside you that no one knows about, For you to keep and cherish, I am crying just typing this.. YOU CAN DO IT!! I will keep you in my thoughts! <3

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Sep 28, 2014
I need your help!
by: Jennie

Please click on "The Grief Club" button on the left for access to the new Forum. We want to keep this great online grief resource going and need your help! Please re-post this or put a new submission there. All your friends are waiting...

Hi Pat from Green Bay, and Anonymous MI:

Could you please contact me via "Contact Us" button to the left? I need your help for the transition. Thanks so much!

Sep 19, 2014
How I miss my husband
by: Mary

The pain of losing my husband is the hardest thing I have ever been through, He had four different cancers. The last was lung cancer. WE had no children so it is much harder at this time. He was my everything. Hope time will heal. Trust in god. Love and hugs to all who have lost a spouse. God bless you.

Sep 13, 2014
Deepest sympathy
by: Lawrence

Welcome to the web site of heartbroken people, you are in good company, as we have all lost someone so very precious and the overwhelming sadness and despair you now feel is familiar to us all.
That Indian saying you quote is so true as you can’t understand another person grief until you experience it yourself.
I lost a beloved wife on Christmas Day 2012 a day as the saying goes “A DAY OF INFAMY”
I have never experienced such agonizing pain and despair a I watched the medics doing CPR on my dear sweetheart, unfortunately without success, and a few hours later I saw her take her last breath, I was closing her eyes and kissed her goodbye, thanking her for an exquisite seventy years of love, passion and tenderness.
Then I walked away from the first girl I ever kissed and the last on her deathbed.
So, I know, as we all do on this “DEATH OF A SPOUSE” web site, what life is for you now.
Personally I had no desire to live the few remaining years I have alone, but reading some of the messages of comfort and sympathy I decided I had to for my lovely family.
So like you I lead a frantic life, doing things I would never have contemplated when I had my dear sweet wife with me.
I was never a card playing person and yet I joined a bridge club and with great difficulty learnt to play and can now hold my own with more experienced players.
I took my violin out of its case where it had rested for the past seventy years, dusted it down found a teacher and I now practice a few hours every night.
I play quite well, but regretfully there is no one to hear me.
I gave up playing after seeing this beautiful fourteen year old girl at our youth club and decided in a split second I wanted to hold her more than my violin, the best decision I have ever made in my life..
I write books and compose music and will do absolutely anything to rid myself of this intense sadness.
I miss her like crazy and I always will, but as the months pass realization sets in and I know I will never see her again.
I had cherished and protected her since we first fell in love but at the end I could watch horrified as her life slowly ended, helpless.
Needless to say I don’t have a lot of religious beliefs but I still thank God daily for sharing her with me for a wonderful seventy years, how lucky is that.
I don’t buy Lottery tickets as I feel I used all my luck up in that moment I met my love.
So, as I said at the beginning “WELCOME TO THE CLUB” a club where the membership never ends, but you should thank God for the thirty five years of such intense love, that you yourself said, so few people get to experience.
With deepest sympathy

Sep 13, 2014
No better but easier
by: Anonymous

"when you feel like you can't go any futher,just know that the strength which carried you this far will take you all the way"Hi I am two years into my "journey" this is not an easy path,I can relate to your pain two years ago I shut the world out it was easier than facing the world without the love of my life who i was married to for 36yrs. I have just stopped running I thought because I loved him so much God would let us be together, not in Gods plan!!!!! this journey gets no better but it becomes easier...... you learn to walk instead of running your tears become streams instead of rivers your heart learns peace instead of pain.... please God one day we will know the happiness we once had. Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think,not worry, not imagine, just breath have faith that everything will workout for the best.God bless.

Sep 12, 2014
It's not getting easier
by: Doreen UK

It takes a long time for things to get easier. To lose any loved one is a major tragedy to one's life. But to lose a spouse is an unbearable grief that one cannot even imagine till experienced. It is a slow healing process that goes on for days to months and even years. TAKING ONE DAY AT TIME does help us cope with daily life. Never knowing what emotion is going to exhibit on any given day. Plodding on and wondering what is going to happen to us now. WE have immense responsibilities to keep a home going and caring for those we still have left in our lives and who needs our care.
It is hard to process life and what we will do with what is left with our remaining years. Hard to restructure a live without the one who gave our life meaning and happiness. We just go on each day and for some of us hope our days don't last into years that are empty and lonely.
WE can put life into our days, but it will never be the same ever again. WE just go through the motions. People around us see us coping and don't know the immense pain we still carry inside. Reflected in our lack of lustre for life. No one can tell us it is time to move on. They are not walking in our shoes. Until they do they have no right to offer an opinion.
One day we will be gone. Who will remember us? Do we care? The cycle of life continues and all we can do is to value each day we have left and to live it well. Expecting nothing in return. WE are here for a purpose. God says so. When our journey has ended. WE can be happy that we continued our journey and Hope our Heavenly Father says. Welcome home. Enter in to my Home. I have been waiting for you. Life is not the end. It is the beginning of the next life to come.
Our ETERNAL HOME. With God our Father.

Sep 11, 2014
Hugs for you
by: Carina

Sending hugs

Sep 11, 2014
It's Not
by: Anonymous

Dear It's Not, there are so many of us who have read your post and know just where you are. We all do becasue we're still alive but our hearts aren't in it. If someone asked me what do I want to do with the rest of my life ,I have no answer other than, just make it til the end of my life and just hoping I will see him again forever.
It's hard for those who have not gone through it yet to undertand how we die inside. Our light seems to dim and long for the joy and comfort we knew when. It's been 4 years for me and tho I've continued to move on by all outward appearances I feel the void too. I had 35 years but it was not enough and my retirement is not what I had in mind. It doesn't get easier , we just cry less .. that's all.

I pray for those of us in this club .

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