It's Only Getting Worse

by Julie
(Iowa)


It's been a month now since I made the decision to let Charlie go. It was Easter Sunday. I have done some things, paid people some visits, but basically that just seems to postpone the waves of grief. What I have done has all been so someone else won't feel bad for me. I just want to stay here at home alone so I can cry when I want to.Doing anything at all without him seems useless. I still have a lot of guilt but I can see that even if I were to get over that, I would still be faced with the fact that he is not here. Nothing has shown me so far any reason to go on living.

Comments for It's Only Getting Worse

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May 08, 2012
The Road to Peace
by: Judith in California

Dear Julie, this journey of grief is such a roller oaster ride. One day you're okay the net you're back at day one reliving all the horro of their passing. But let me assure you ...you must grieve when you can and feel like it don't worry about what others will say or think. It's your grief not thiers and one day they will have their turn. So no matter where you are or who you're with GRIEVE. It's not ill manners to show your grief anywhere. You have to be selfish now and think of you because it's the only way you will make it to the peaceful side of it.
I'm 20 months in for my grieving and each day I'm stronger and able to begin to think of my life and know I must live my life the best I can until it's my turn to go .
We who are left owe that to our loves and to God. He would not want us to waste our lives he gave us being depressed, fearful or crying over our Loves who are now in heaven with no pain or suffering.

Please take care of you now and I pray you will reach that peaceful place of grief.

May 07, 2012
i know it hurts
by: Anonymous

I can only say i am sorry that you are hurting,someday you will be reunited with your love,god bless you.

May 07, 2012
lost, lonely and longing
by: Anonymous

Sorry for your loss. It's been 7 months since I lost my partner of 20 years and at times I think I'm feeling a little better but the grief always seems to catch up with me. It comes at me like a baseball bat. Bang, here we go again! It hurts.
I too seem to put on my "I'm ok" face and personality so I don't make others feel uncomfortable. When I'm home alone or even shopping, actually it doesn't matter where I am I'm followed by a feeling of being lost and unbearable loneliness. This can't be shared with anyone I know, only the people here.
My partner is still so much alive in my mind it's still hard to comprehend he's gone forever. Ouch!
I found myself wandering around my house yesterday in some sort of haze. Between bouts of crying I would just stand and stare at the wall.
The pain is in every cell in my body. I call his name out loud, and see him in my mind as clear as if he were still here.
When I try to remember that I felt ok only yesterday or the day before it just seems like it was fake and that I had blocked the pain.
My life just seems so miserable and foreign to the life I had only 7 months ago, I still can't believe it. I hate it. My life seems to have just disappeared.
The only thing I look forward to is the end of this miserable, lonely life I now have.
I long for my partner and our life and I just can't stop that.

May 07, 2012
Been there
by: Judi

No words of wisdom. I lost my love in July and truly do know what you are going through as I still am. It has been 10 months and I am still looking for a reason to go on. I love my kids and know that they would miss me but not as much as I miss Bob. I sat here crying and knowing this is not what Bob would have me do but he was my world and my world is gone.
Saying all this I do know that I am getting stronger every day. Pain is still very much there but so are the memories. Good memories of love and joy and togetherness. That is all I have. My daughter and I have just spent 6 weeks together and while it was helpfull she left yesterday and it is like it just happened, I am alone without the love of my life who completed me. I did hide for months without answering the phone. I lost over 50 lbs and did lose the will to go on. My doctor told me that I was killing myself and I did major damage to my body. I now live day by day hanging on to the memories and loving him more everyday. I have made scrapbooks for our children and found every picture of Bob that I could. I got software and plan to do a video. All this to keep busy. Busy helps.
They say that when you want the worst to be left alone is when you badly need to reach out. Went to a church dinner and his subject was on how you are put through difficult times so that you will know what others are going through and may be able to help them through it.
I offer only suggestions because only you know where you are and what you can handle for now. I offer you my sympathy and understanding.

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