It's so hard

by Sharon Trinastich
(Lenexa, Kansas)

My mom was 90 when she died on June 17, 2009. I knew she was going to die because she had been in and out of the hospital with congestive heart failure. I had cared for her every day for the last five years. I worked full time and had a husband and family here in town. I would stop by on my way to work and on my way home. Many times I would get calls that she had to go to the hospital because she couldn't breathe. Even now if my phone rings late at night or early in the morning, I jump and for an instant think it's my mom calling.

She wasn't an affectionate mom, but she loved as best as she could. She also had dementia and could get really stubborn and mean. My mom was getting worse so I called and asked my sister to come up and help me for awhile. She stayed with her 24 hrs a day for 10 days and couldn't do it anymore. Hospice suggested we put her in an assisted living place for respite care. I believe you can have 10 days free with respite care. My sister went back home and I continued going over to see my mom every day.

After a few days there she got up in the middle of the night because she was confused and didn't know where she was. They had an alarm on her bed, but she still got up, walked to the hall and was crying. Then she fell and broke her pelvic bone and her hand. I called my sister to come back to Kansas City because our mom wasn't doing well at all.

On Wednesday, June 17, I went to see my mom before I went to work. My sister and her daughter had arrived the night before and came up to see her too. She was in a coma and I waited until the hospice person came to check on her vitals. That's when the hospice lady said my mom was in the active dying stage. We called her sister and my family all here in town. They came up and got to say their goodbyes. Then she passed.

I totally lost it and sobbed and sobbed and all I remember is hearing someone say "You need to exhale." I think I was starting to hyperventilate. While making funeral arrangements, my sister and I realized that my mom died exactly 40 years from the day her mom died.

It doesn't make any difference if your mom dies in her 40's, 50's 70's or 90's. You still miss your mom.