Its still my child

by Chontelle

I have been going out with my boyfriend for a year when the unthinkable happened. I fell pregnant. Since im only in my early 20's I never planned anything like this to happen you always think it will happen when your ready to become a mother. I love children and always have and have grown up in a large family so becoming a mother was always on my list.

At 15 I developed problems with my spine and the doctor said the way my spine was developing would affect if I was able to have children and would affect carrying a baby to full term. So i thought to myself that unexpected pregnancies would be unlikely.

When I started to feel pregnancy symptoms about two and a half months ago I dissmissed it but when they continued I confided in a friend. When I mentioned this to my partner he seemed excited at the prospect but demanded I do a test which turned out negative so I dismissed it and everything continued as normal. I certainly didn't feel ready to have a child or get married, I'm still studying a degree and thought maybe stress was the cause.

My partner and I attended a mutual friends birthday party 2 weeks ago on a friday night. Earlier that afternoon I went shopping when I was hit with an unimaginable pain to the lower stomach and back which left me crying out and doubled over. However I took some asprin when I got home and carried on.

We started off with a few drinks that night when I said I needed to visit the ladies room, thinking the pain may have been an irregular period caused by stress. Turns out I was pregnant perhaps two months along and I misscarried that night alone in the bathroom. I couldn't stop sobbing. Even though I didn't know I was pregnant I would have chosen to keep the baby because I believe God has a plan for all of us and that would have been his plan for me.

I told my partner who immediately went into denial mode asking me if I was sure and thinking of the time when we may have been irresponsible in birth control. All I know is that I had a loss that day. I had a child; just because it wasn't fully developed, I wasn't aware of the news, I hadn't picked out names or told people dosen't make it any easier to experience.

I know I wasn't ready to be a mother and I'm not old enough to settle down as such but it doesn't take away the hurt. It's caused my partner much grief too and our relationship hasn't been the same ever since. I've been on autopilot the last two weeks getting up everyday doing the same thing I always do and hiding it from everyone.

I told one friend who said I acted so normal she didn't even know that I was the slightest bit upset but I'm not ready to face the world. I've been so caught up worrying about peoples perceptions of me and how I should be feeling and how long I think my partner is going to expect me to feel better by that I haven't even stopped to realise that I'm allowed to feel upset or worry about my health.

All I know at this early stage is that I have lost my spirit, my fire and my passions and they aren't going to come back miraculously. I have been chosen to go through this pain for a reason and I wonder everyday "why me?".
I have always had to be independant and lean on no one for support in the face of hardship and this time will be no different.

I had a baby and I suffered a terrible loss. I will always look back and count this miscarriage as another one of my children. Who knows what it would have become..

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