It's time to come home now.
(Los Angeles, CA)
I lost my husband of 17 years on February 10, 2012. He was only 48 and we have two sons. He was born poor, and worked hard so that we would not have to endure anything that he did in his past. He was self-made. He put himself through college and was one of the most intelligent men that I have ever met. His brain was amazing. He could do anything. I was in awe of his determination and his strength. I feel weak right now. I feel stuck in my grief and can't seem to move past wherever I am, or whatever grief stage this is supposed to be. I want him to come back home now. He's been gone long enough and it's time he return. After several months of being strong, and listening to everyone tell me how great I am doing, I am finally crying and beginning to realize that he is not coming back. I still haven't moved any of his things. I haven't changed anything in the house, or made any big decisions. I just keep feeling as if I am somehow supposed to include him in decisions such as these. I have tried to keep my "happy Mommy" face on for my youngest son, who is 14 and was very close to his father, but I am simply running out of energy. Am I supposed to be both father and mother now? There was so much energy surrounding my husband, there was always something going on and he seemed to be always making plans, no matter how small. Sometimes they were small things, just going to the hardware store or deciding what we should do for dinner. But they were plans. I make plans in my head, but when it comes to executing them, I feel exhausted and want to lay down and sleep. How do you balance things? How do you not fall into a dark place? I have to keep myself together for my son, but it feels disingenuous. I want to tell him I feel awful and that I am sorry I am not more fun to be around or more enthusiastic about our day ahead. I woke up this morning with plans to take a long hike so that I could think and somehow sort my feelings out. I ended up on the couch in my hiking clothes, with a cup of coffee and my computer. I miss him. He made me feel loved and beautiful. He made me feel worthy. I find pieces of jewelry or clothes that he bought me and I think back to those times wondering if that part of my life is completely over. Everything seems so big. The tasks of everyday life have begun to seem so heavy. Even something as small as cleaning out a sock drawer has grown into a major task for me. I always start out with good intentions in the morning, but things seem too "heavy" at times and there seems to be no end in sight for the tasks ahead. I don't know how to feel better. I am tired of smiling and telling people that I am doing well. I have guilt for things that I know I had no control over, but somehow they still haunt me. I am reluctant to make a decision without him and have not realized yet that I can do this. I feel as if no one gets this. No one knows what I am going through. No one. I have not taken the time to pray, even thought in the past, it helped me tremendously. I feel lazy. I feel tired and listless at times. I am annoyed by small tasks. Sometimes, it is painful to see people. Sometime I want to yell at people. I feel terrible for this. My son's graduation is next week. He is at the top of his class and was accepted into the most prestigious high school in our city. There were over 1200 applicants and he was chosen. It is a huge accomplishment. It was paramount to my husband that my son attend this particular school. I want to be happy and excited, but feel sad. Am I selfish? Am I lazy? Am I supposed to fake through this and put on a happy face? On Sunday, I make plans in my mind for the week ahead. I try to accomplish them, I make lists. Sometimes, I put things off and tell myself that I am entitled because of my loss. I just want him back so that we can go on like we used to. He died in my arms, in our house. I tried everything to save him, but could not. I wonder where he is and what he doing each moment. I know he is with God. I just want to know that he wants me to go on and that I am supposed to move forward without feeling guilty. I want to know what is ahead. I want to know if I am ever going to feel like I belong with someone again. I want to know when I am going to stand up again and move forward. When will this happen? I felt good for a long time, but now, it's different. It is like I am full of tears waiting to pour out. I have anger that I don't even understand. I have guilt and wonder if I am a good mother. Am I doing everything my son needs at this point? Am I dropping that ball in certain areas of his life? I don't know. When does this end? When will I become this person that I recognize again? When will I find my way?