It's time to come home now.

by Laura
(Los Angeles, CA)

I lost my husband of 17 years on February 10, 2012. He was only 48 and we have two sons. He was born poor, and worked hard so that we would not have to endure anything that he did in his past. He was self-made. He put himself through college and was one of the most intelligent men that I have ever met. His brain was amazing. He could do anything. I was in awe of his determination and his strength. I feel weak right now. I feel stuck in my grief and can't seem to move past wherever I am, or whatever grief stage this is supposed to be. I want him to come back home now. He's been gone long enough and it's time he return. After several months of being strong, and listening to everyone tell me how great I am doing, I am finally crying and beginning to realize that he is not coming back. I still haven't moved any of his things. I haven't changed anything in the house, or made any big decisions. I just keep feeling as if I am somehow supposed to include him in decisions such as these. I have tried to keep my "happy Mommy" face on for my youngest son, who is 14 and was very close to his father, but I am simply running out of energy. Am I supposed to be both father and mother now? There was so much energy surrounding my husband, there was always something going on and he seemed to be always making plans, no matter how small. Sometimes they were small things, just going to the hardware store or deciding what we should do for dinner. But they were plans. I make plans in my head, but when it comes to executing them, I feel exhausted and want to lay down and sleep. How do you balance things? How do you not fall into a dark place? I have to keep myself together for my son, but it feels disingenuous. I want to tell him I feel awful and that I am sorry I am not more fun to be around or more enthusiastic about our day ahead. I woke up this morning with plans to take a long hike so that I could think and somehow sort my feelings out. I ended up on the couch in my hiking clothes, with a cup of coffee and my computer. I miss him. He made me feel loved and beautiful. He made me feel worthy. I find pieces of jewelry or clothes that he bought me and I think back to those times wondering if that part of my life is completely over. Everything seems so big. The tasks of everyday life have begun to seem so heavy. Even something as small as cleaning out a sock drawer has grown into a major task for me. I always start out with good intentions in the morning, but things seem too "heavy" at times and there seems to be no end in sight for the tasks ahead. I don't know how to feel better. I am tired of smiling and telling people that I am doing well. I have guilt for things that I know I had no control over, but somehow they still haunt me. I am reluctant to make a decision without him and have not realized yet that I can do this. I feel as if no one gets this. No one knows what I am going through. No one. I have not taken the time to pray, even thought in the past, it helped me tremendously. I feel lazy. I feel tired and listless at times. I am annoyed by small tasks. Sometimes, it is painful to see people. Sometime I want to yell at people. I feel terrible for this. My son's graduation is next week. He is at the top of his class and was accepted into the most prestigious high school in our city. There were over 1200 applicants and he was chosen. It is a huge accomplishment. It was paramount to my husband that my son attend this particular school. I want to be happy and excited, but feel sad. Am I selfish? Am I lazy? Am I supposed to fake through this and put on a happy face? On Sunday, I make plans in my mind for the week ahead. I try to accomplish them, I make lists. Sometimes, I put things off and tell myself that I am entitled because of my loss. I just want him back so that we can go on like we used to. He died in my arms, in our house. I tried everything to save him, but could not. I wonder where he is and what he doing each moment. I know he is with God. I just want to know that he wants me to go on and that I am supposed to move forward without feeling guilty. I want to know what is ahead. I want to know if I am ever going to feel like I belong with someone again. I want to know when I am going to stand up again and move forward. When will this happen? I felt good for a long time, but now, it's different. It is like I am full of tears waiting to pour out. I have anger that I don't even understand. I have guilt and wonder if I am a good mother. Am I doing everything my son needs at this point? Am I dropping that ball in certain areas of his life? I don't know. When does this end? When will I become this person that I recognize again? When will I find my way?

Comments for It's time to come home now.

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Feb 23, 2013
screaming outloud when u are alone just might help a little
by: Anonymous

Iam praying for you, life is hard,just take it min by min. take care of yourself, see your doctor

Jul 15, 2012
I understand your feelings of loss
by: Bill


I understand your feelings of loss and emotional confusion you are going through. I lost my beautiful wife March 2, 2012 after 37 wonderful years of marriage. My Wife also died in my arms as I held her close. She had been ill for several years. When she went to the hospital I did not know at that time she would not come home again.

I also feel guilty when I think of going forward without her. Self doubt at this time is not unusual as I find myself doing the same thing wondering if I will ever be with someone again and not knowing if I could. I cry every day for my wife and at times I can not control it.

Please know you are not alone as you ride that emotional roller coaster. You are not selfish or lazy and you are a good mother. I am sure you are doing all you can for your son as you have always done you just can't see that now because your deep sense of loss.

I know the words of a stranger may not mean much but my heart goes out to you and your son. I can't say when it will end for you or when your heart will heal. Just live one day at a time and do your best each day. That is what I try to do. May God bless you and grant you peace.

Jun 10, 2012
Love of my life
by: Pat J.

What you are experiencing is GRIEF. Grieve however you need to and for as long as you need to.
I lost my husband of 46 years, on June 27,2011; our 46th wedding anniversary was June 26th.He had a massive heart attack. I felt exactly how you feel, and even though it will soon be 1 year since his death, those same feelings still creep in at times.
It is not an easy journey, but we all are alot stronger than we think we are. We will one day make it. I keep saying, I am faking it until I can make it. Will I ever completely get over losing my husband; NO. He took part of me with him. I carry him in my heart and I feel he will always spiritually be with me. What was once WE is now ME. We have 5 adult children, but they have their own families and their own life. They lost there dad, but they haven't a clue to the pain of losing a spouse. I lost both my parents; which I felt the grief at their loss; but this doesn't even come close to that grief. I will always say, they took a part of us with them they day they died.
I am making a new life for myself. It is a different life. I want my old life back, but that will never be. I have to learn to live my new life now.
I still feel restless and alone; crazy to feel that way with a large family; but only those who share our grief really understand.
Just take it one day at a time, sometimes a moment at a time. Keep coming to this site. I have been on it everyday, since I found it, soon after my husbands death.
Grief is a roller coaster ride; alot of ups and downs. We may make a few steps forward and fall back; but grieve as you need to. Tears are healing.

Jun 05, 2012
It's time to come home now
by: Doreen England U.K.

Hi Laura Slow down you are going at 100 miles an hour. Who told you that you have to be superwoman?
You have lost your husband and no one tells us how we are supposed to feel or how to go on. WE have to find our way through a fog. We don't have the answers and just go through the stages and hope that we can cope. You have to take one day at a time and not see the mountain and try to climb this.
Don't question your judgement of how you are supposed to be and are you a good mother! You probably are otherwise you wouldn't care so much about so much going on in your life right now and how you want to please everyone whilst you get lost in the maze of it all.
Be gentle with yourself and give yourself a break from thinking. I feel exhausted reading your story. I am in the same place as you and forced to think more slowly about life. Grief has to come and it often comes when we don't expect it. It is also a frightening place to be as one doesn't know how they are going to react when they thaw out from feeling frozen with grief and loss. Grief is a process and just let it happen as it will and cry if you have to. Scream in your pillow. Bang the counter top and release your rage. It isn't fair. How do we go on from death? How do we cope? How long will I feel this way? When will it end? Will I come out of this and live again? But you say I don't want to live without him? I need him to be daddy to our son? So many questions and not enough answers. (Now I am exhausting you)
Because my husband worked all over the world as a carpenter I had to bring 3 children up by myself and it carried its own stresses but I got on with it and tried my best. Mistakes and all. You will probably have to be both parents. But if you have any male role models in your family seek help from them to mentor your son. They will be only too happy to do this and feel honoured to be a part of your son's life. He is at an age when it is cruel to lose a father. Life is no respector of persons or timing. I hope this helps. I am coping with loss having buried my husband 11 days ago. We fight this battle together. Best wishes

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