I've lost everything...

Two days before this past Christmas, my mom was admitted to a hospice care center. On New Year's eve, the staff told us she was entering the stages of death. I stayed by her side without leaving for a little over a week. I finally needed to drive home for a few hours...my mom passed away 20 minutes after I left.

At the same time, my grandmother (my mother's mother) was at a hospital 2 hours away, trying to recover from pneumonia. I waited a day before I went to the hospital to see her and tell her that her daughter had died. Grandma was sickly, but very adamant that certain songs be played at my mother's funeral. Even though she couldn't attend, she wanted her service to be perfect. Grandma died the morning of my mom's funeral.

My parents were divorced when I was only 6 mos old, so my mother's family raised me. My mother didn't care for her siblings, so my sense of family was really just her and my maternal grandparents. My grandfather died when I was 12.

Neither my mom or grandma had been in the best of health before they passed away, and I poured all of my energy into caring for them and going to work every day. My relationship suffered, and as a result, my wife announced she was leaving me after I lost the other two people I loved most in this world.

I've never been so lost, hopeless, or sad. I feel..I am...all alone in this great big world.

Comments for I've lost everything...

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Apr 09, 2013
Dear Lost Everything,
by: Pat in Missouri

When life dumps on us, we have to find a way to crawl out of the mess. You are not alone. There are many others who feel the same way you are feeling; myself included. You sound much like I have, in the fact that you are the caregiving type. I have spent my entire life caregiving in 1 way or another. I have been a social worker, a counselor, and a hospice volunteer. I made a career as a caregiver. In 2011, I lost my brother, father, and fiance' all within 5 months. I have no family left except for 2 siblings who are 1000's of miles away. I am divorced. My only family relationship is with my 2 dogs.

I really have no idea why your wife decided to leave you and her timing really stinks. I can only guess that she might have begun to feel she was never going to get the attention she was looking for from you. You gave all you could to your mother and grandmother. By the time they both passed, I am sure you were exhausted and grief, being what it is, left you feeling distant and lost. Instead of moving toward your wife, you crawled inward and probably were not able to share your feelings with your wife. She may have felt abandoned; maybe like a "3rd shoe" since so much of your life had been occupied with all of your attention going to 2 other women. As I said, I can only guess, but the issue you need to focus on, now, is you. You need professional counseling to gain some perspective on your situation. It is time for you to start caregiving yourself.

As a woman, what I hear, in your message, is that the most significant people in your life were your mother and grandmother. You did not even mention that you were married, until near the end of your message. Before you can consider any other relationships, you have to find yourself. This may be painful, but, in the end, it will be worth it. When you find yourself, you will feel so much more empowered and fulfilled. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. I have had to go through this process myself, even as a counselor. Counselors get hurt too. You gave your all to your mother and grandmother. I think your wife felt left out. After a period of time, she probably felt that even though they had both passed, they still had all of your attention because your grieving was all about them.

I hope you do not see my message as critical toward you. I am only attempting to help. There is no need to keep trying to figure out why these things happen as they do. Life is full of challenges. Find yourself and you will move forward and find happiness. I hope you will write again and let us know how you are doing. Pat

Apr 08, 2013
I've lost everything.....
by: Doreen U.K.

I am deeply sorry for your loss of your Mom and grandmother so close to each other and to now face another loss of your wife.
This is so unfair and almost soul destroying to face such a loss and then to have the closest one to you want to walk away at a very difficult and vulnerable time of your life.
You may benefit from seeing a counsellor so that you can get some perspective on your family situation and help you move forward. I would have expected your wife to have much understanding of your situation and be a supportive wife. There may be other problems you don't want to discuss that has allowed your wife to behave this way. IF NOT. The only other difficulty could be that your wife did not like the amount of time you had to spend with your mom and grandmother. Often a lack of maturity or issues from her past can make a person insecure and intolerant of not being the first in her husband's life because a grandmother or mom has to come first. It is quite a common problem and you won't be an isolated case.
Death can trigger off a host of other problems that can cause a fracture in the family. It can throw life into chaos and one wonder's what has hit them. You can also lose people from your life that you wouldn't expect. This is also a common problem. Some people leave and other's come back. It is confusing but it happened to me and I have heard of other stories where this has happened. Try and contain your feelings and distress to a counsellor. You will be in a safe environment to discuss your feelings and how to move forward. Sometimes a sibling or other family member can be supportive but often too close to be of impartial benefit. One important feature of being in counselling is that we learn to grieve our losses. I did this some years ago and I am in a healthier frame of mind and make better decisions. I wish you well in how you move forward. I hope you get your life back on track and it all works out in your favour and as you want it to.

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