I've lost my Bear
I’ve lost my Bear.
My husband Barry died on 11/28/09. He had been ill and in some hospital facility for 75 days. He should not have died from a routine heart stint placement but he did, not from the heart procedure, but from catching MRSA in the hospital. It settled on his artificial valve and they could not treat it with antibiotics. He was scheduled to go to the research hospital in Gainesville for a complex heart surgery to replace the valve, but they could not get him a bed in time. He tried to send me away so I would not have to be there when he died, he did not want me to be upset, but I would not be sent away. I was there with him and told him it was okay to go, I would be all right. I told him I loved him as he drew his last breath. I made sure the priest got there in time. I know he is in heaven now.
I am very angry at the hospital and the medical system for not figuring out earlier that the MRSA was on the artificial valve and for the insensitive way they treated me. They moved him three times without telling me, so three times I came to the hospital and found his room empty with no warning. I will never go to that hospital again.
Barry and I were friends since high school but re-met in mid-life. We had 9 ½ years together. He was a life-long bachelor and I had come out of a long, mean marriage. He is the man I should have had all my life. He was quiet and sweet, romantic, generous, stubborn as an ox and wretched with money but loved life and always made me laugh. We had a great friendship and a great marriage. He saw life as an adventure and brought me to see it that way also. I do not like this adventure though.
I feel like my life is in a chaotic state, emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially. We both thought that with my job, the Social Security benefits and the Army survivors pension, I would be okay. Surprise! My job pays too much for me to get SSA benefits so they are “suspended” until they collect back $1 for every $2 I earn! The Army did come through with the pension we expected but it barely covers the car payment. I don’t think I am going to be able to keep our house, because I do not make enough to cover everything and the house payment is more than one of my paychecks. I have tried to get a modification but no luck yet and the market is bad and we are underwater with our loan.
All of this makes life uncertain.
It’s been almost five months now. I miss him every day and find myself talking to his picture sometimes. I miss him at odd moments, like when I’m driving, grocery shopping or see a cardinal land in the back yard. I still have episodes where something will set me off and I will have a crying spell. I am alone here in Florida, all our true friends and my kids are in California. All I have here is my work colleagues and the kind folks that attend our little church. I must stay here because I have a job here, but it is a lonesome time.
I have had no luck finding a grief support group in this little town so this website has been a life saver. Thank you for letting me talk.