"I've lost my son, Chunk...Now I've lost everything else!"

by Brenda Richison
(Bowie, Tx.)

Well, it's been 7 yrs. since I've written about the loss of my son, Chunk. I also wrote about my Danny, that shot himself in front of me. I've made plenty of comments to those who needed help. Now here I am, once again, seeking much-needed advice...I'm sad, lonely, and at a loss as what to do. I spend alot of time at the cemetary, where my son is buried, wishing he was here, so everything can be right again. I've watched my sons, my Mother, my nephew, and my brother, all fall apart since he died and I can see them getting so very distant and not caring anymore. They say that after death in the family occurs, a family will stick together, or fall apart...Well my family fell apart, w/my son's death, my sister's death, brother-in-law, and our relatives. I stayed at home, taking care of them for years, until I could stand no more. My youngest son was fighting w/me, to the point of having to pull a knife on him, to keep him from hitting me, w/a closed fist. I knew then, that they were going to drag me down with them, and I had to get out, and make a life for myself. So, I gave my three jobs away, that I supported them with, and moved in w/a friend and her two kids. I'm still checking on my Mom by phone, but I don't go over there, because I'm afraid of getting into another fight w/my son. He comes over here, once in awhile, but he never speaks to me. He's my baby, and he was so loving when he was younger. I miss those hugs and kisses, that I used to get. All I want from him is to love me again. He's so far gone mentally from drugs, that I think I'll not live long enough for him to be able to do that. I only pray to God for my family now. I spent 15 yrs. on trying to get close to him, but eventually I realized he has to help himself. He's 30 yrs. old now. I'm only a few blocks from them, but my heart aches for their love...I can't bring Chunk back, or I would have the day he died. At the time of his death, we had multiple deaths, in the family and with friends. But, we made it through all that together. Then, when he died, it was such a blow to us, that we didn't know how to grieve. He was the rock that kept our family happy and laughing. Eleven mths. later, my sister had a heart-attack and died. Then my sister's son nearly died 6 mths. after her death, from a motorcycle wreck. I long for my son, but I realize he can't be here anymore. I long for the love that a family shares, though I never really had that growing up. Now all I got left is a grave, a marker, and the belief, that that my son hears me. Besides losing my family, my son, my jobs, I have lost the strength to go on. I can't find a job in this little town. I have no car, or license to travel. I lost Medicaid and Foodstamps, because of a $7.00 raise on my Social Security, and can't go to the Dr. or get my medicine. I've been out of their house two mths. now and lost so much weight, just from not feeling like eating, that I look sickly, and none of my clothes fit. Three days ago, I lost my boyfriend, whom I fell "head-over-heels in love" with. Yes, for once, I let my guard down, and I should have known better to let someone come into my life like that. But, I was lonely, looking for someone to love me, and I found him. My life wasn't so miserable when I was with him. We shared a summer together, alot of fun, and laughter, too. But, I've lived, loved, and lost, once again...How do I go on? When all I feel in my heart, is like dying? All my life, I've been strong enough to pull through the trauma's, that I've had to endure, and even my son's death. But, I'm so tired this time. So very tired... I just want to give up and lay down and die...Please help me??