JAC

My son passed away suddenly on April 20, 2011, he was almost 30 years old. It has been almost 8 months and it is still so painful. My whole world came crashing down on that day. I used to be the happiest person. I felt so blessed to have a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful sons. Now I just feel sad all the time and try to understand what our life here is all about. My son was months away from getting married. He loved life and enjoyed every minute of it. He took the time to enjoy each moment and all the people in his life. We talked everynight, he was and is still my best friend. My older son does not like to talk about his death. He does not like to discuss his feelings and feels uncomfortable when I try to talk to him about my sadness. I try to put up a happy front when I am around him, but I feel like I am deceiving him and myself by not showing him my true feelings.
I have some good support through my husband and a few friends. But, lately I feel that the friends I thought would be here for me are not. They do not mention my son or really ask how I am feeling. They are going on with their lives and leaving me behind. I feel so alone sometimes and wonder how I am going to survive this grief. I try to talk to myself and encourage myself to hang in, that it will get better. I have some good moments , I cry everyday,I try to laugh at least once a day, I pray for strength and peace, I go about my normal routine but the restless feelings never cease.
I have tried Compassionate Friends but found it very depressing, I may have to try again. I find that I feel my best when I am out walking my dog or in the garden or taking a drive with my husband. I have lost my mom and dad and some good friends and came through the grief okay. But losing a child is to me the most devastating thing I will ever have to go through. I prayed everyday to God to keep my sons safe. I guess we cannot control when it is our time to go. I pray that someday I will be able to find some peace with myself and some joy again.

Comments for JAC

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Dec 29, 2011
Hello Sandy, Me too again
by: Jac/Cynthia

Hi Sandy, I hope you had received my comment I sent back to you after I read your first message to me. Well, we did get through Xmas, it was not easy at all. We went away from the 24th till the 27th. I just did not want to be home. My oldest lives to far away, he was here mid December. I just want this year to be over with. Although I know 2012 will not be any easier or better. I have been sitting here today and I just burst out in tears, I still cannot believe my son is really gone. I just want him back here with us living his life. It is just so hard to try to get through each day when so much is missing. I feel dead inside. I try to plan things to keep myself and husband busy but I find it does not really help. The sadness is always right there waiting for you. If you would like to email me directly my email is:
cynthia.thompson@norcalgold.com. I am in contact with two other moms since I entered this site and I find it does help to talk about how we are feeling and try to encourage each other to hang in. We really do not have any other choice other than to get through each day and hope that someday we can have moments with less pain and find some peace in our day. I do think it will be years before I will have those moments , but I just have to feel the pain and not try to push it away. For now I am trying to be here for my husband and son. Hope to hear back from you soon. Cynthia
P.S. JAC is my sons initials

Dec 29, 2011
Me Too Again
by: Sandy

Hi - I left a comment for you earlier and wanted to see how you are after Christmas. I am the one who story is so similiar to your own. I have two sons and the youngest one died in Jan 2011. I was doing somewhat okay christmas morning until I went to the cemetary. We couldnt beleive that we were standing there looking at his headstone on Christmas day. He should have been home with us. As many of the first have gone by and I am approaching the year mark - I still miss him so so much. I still cant look at videos or too many pictures - some days are better than others. I just keep on praying to Jesus for peace and strength. I prayed for all of us parents who lost children to help get us through Christmas Day. Just know that someone is thinking about you and shares your pain.

Dec 16, 2011
For Jac
by: Karen

Hi Jac

I absolutely know what you are going through, its only been 4 weeks since my daughter 30 died from Leukemia.
I cry everyday, for the life that was stolen from her, such a beautiful girl, gentle and kind..
Yes, how does life go on. I am very lucky have a wonderful son who has been the tower of strength for me and very very good friends..and family.

My friend from Australia came over to Canada for my daughters Celebration of Life (she lost her son when he was 15 yrs old)..freak accident..and she said to me..'you dont get over it, you get through it'. Dont let anyone tell you to get over it..we will never get over it..a parent losing a child is a pain like no other we will ever have to face.

My daughter was my best friend..loved her to death.

If I can be of any help to you, please email me, as it sometimes help to have someone just to receive inspiring emails to uplift you. My brother in NZ sends me many most days..

Here is my email..maclouise@hotmail.com

Hang in there...

Dec 14, 2011
To: Me To and Shirley in Ca
by: Anonymous

To: Me to and Shirley, as I was reading your comment you are feeling exactly like I feel everyday. I don't understand why a mother has to lose one of her children, it is just not right! My oldest son is here visiting and I do feel a bit more peace when he is near. But, then he leaves for home and the sadness kicks in even harder. I pray that we will someday be able to feel more comfortable in our own skin. But for now we just have to hang in and get through each day and do the best we can. Have you felt like you have lost some of your close friends , like they have moved on without you, what do you do in this case?? I sometimes feel so angry towards them and then I pray that I can forgive and move on.
Shirley, I have decided to give compassionate friends another try. I really need to find someone close by that I can sometimes get together with for a walk and a good cry. We really need to stick together and help each other as best we can. I know I am a strong person and will survive but some days are so extremely hard. I know it is a journey we all have to all travel by ourselves but it does help to have some encouragement along the way and someone you can trust in. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I look forward to hearing from you both again. Take care and do the best you can to get through each day. We are so much stronger than we ever realized.

Dec 14, 2011
Me too
by: Anonymous

How similiar our stories are. I also had two sons - the youngest passed away in Jan 2011 - coming up on 11 months on the 23rd. Like you I try to put on a front for people - but inside i just want to curl up in a ball and block the world out. My older son does talk to me about his brother - but he has a family of his own and he is trying to move on. I understand that and its what he should do but its hard seeing the rest of the world go on about there daily lives when inside I am screaming. I feel like two people sometmes - the one people see on the outside and the one for the most part I keep hidden on the inside. Like you friends and family have stopped asking me how I am doing - I do find comfort with my husband but i think he is tired of seeing me upset. I pray to Jesus everyday for peace in my heart and some days I get through better than others. I am dreading the holidays - I made a ornament yesterday with my sons picture - how depressing that all I have left is this picture on a tree. I know I have the memories and i am trying to find comfort in those but its so hard. Just know that you are not alone and all of us here feel the pain of the journey we dont want to be on,.

Dec 13, 2011
me too
by: Anonymous

I also lost my son 16 months ago to leukemia. He was 23 years old. He was an amazing kid....did everything right...had a bright future, and suddenly he is gone. I do go to my Compassionate Friends group. The first two times I felt very out of place and depressed but as I went back I discovered a group of other parents who understood my grief and my pain and it was amazing. I've only missed 2 meetings in the 16 months I've been attending and each time I regret it. There is a Compassionate Friends facebook group that is pretty active and there are other very specific grieving groups on facebook such as Christian Grieving Mothers and Parents of Children who died of Cancer...I recommend finding somewhere you feel safe to talk about your son. Sending hugs,
Shirley in California

Dec 13, 2011
complicated grief
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your honest replies. I am so sorry that you are going through this too. I always have people telling me that it will get better the pain will ease. I really can't see how that will ever happen. I feel we will just have very dark days and then some okay days. I think we just go a bit numb and evolve into a new way of life. But the fact is there will always be a huge hole in our hearts. I do agree that we have to have faith that someday we will see our loved ones again and that they are with us all the time. We just need to take time during the day to slow down and feel them around us. My husband does a lot of reading on the internet and came across a study on grief. The study had to do with all types of loss. It basically found that losing a child is the worse loss and much more complicated to deal with and it takes many years to process and to try to feel some sort of life again. If you get a chance go on the web and put in Complicated grief study and read it. I pray that someday I will be able to come to some peace with this horrific loss.

Dec 13, 2011
Having the same feelings
by: Christine

I lost my only son in June 2011. Like it is for you, it's getting harder as time goes on! My son had just turned 36, was buying a house and looking forward to the future, hopefully having a family. I also lost both my parents, my youngest brother to cancer and my oldest brother was murdered, NOTHING compares to the loss of my son!!
I read somewhere on a grief site that the loss of a child is so much harder because it's against the "natural" order of life! So true! No matter how old they are, they are always UR children! God Bless you and I hope we can both find comfort in our lives!

Dec 13, 2011
I love you Jimmy.
by: Glori

I understand your hurt. I lost my oldest son on 5/5/11 in a motorcycle accident. I have 2 other children, a son & my youngest is my daughter. I know exactly how you feel. I would pray every night for god to take care of my family, my husband & my 3 children. It still feels unfair and surreal. May 5th feels like forever ago, but seeing him walk in the door and saying "I love you Mom!" feels like yesterday. With Christmas coming up, I don't know how we will do. We are all grieving. My middle son will be home for 10 days. He lives in california, we live in ohio. i think he has been able to not think about what happened & go on w/his life, but we live w/it everyday. I miss him everyday & wish i could turn back time. But unfortunately that is not possible. I know he is with us everyday, looking down on us. I will be with him someday. Until then, know that our sons' are happy & looking down on us. God bless & know that I know your pain.....Haven't gone to Compassionate friends yet, but thought about it...

Dec 12, 2011
IN MEMORY OF YOUR SON
by: Anonymous

I AM SO VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. I DO UNDERSTAND YOUR SADNESS, FRUSTRATIONS, YOUR EVERYDAY GRIEVING. MY MOTHER PASSED AWAY THIS YEAR DUE TO A HORRIBLE...WRONGFUL DEATH BECAUSE OF 2 NURSING HOME FACILITIES AND A HOSPITAL HERE IN MY HOMETOWN OF BILLINGS, MONTANA. I SHOULD BE PROUD TO CALL THIS AN HONORABLE SAFE---PLACE TO LIVE. TRUTH BE KNOW I'M ASHAMED AND DISGUSTED FROM JUST ABOUT EVERY PROFESSIONAL PERSON I'VE HAD TO DEAL WITH. MOST OF THEM MAKE MY SKIN CRAWL AND MY STOMACH TURN SOUR. THEY KILLED MY MOTHER AND BECAUSE OF THIS I'VE DECIDED TO FIGHT BACK. IF YOU EVER NEED SOMEONE TO LISTEN OR SUPPORT YOUR FEELINGS----PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CALL ME AT 406-371-5508---OR 406-861-7392---I WILL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO TRY AND HELP YOU GET THROUGH YOUR VERY DIFFICULT TIME. IT'S VERY SAD WHEN MANY PEOPLE JUST TURN THEIR BACKS AND WALK AWAY FROM SUPPORTING OR LISTENING. I WOULD BE GLAD TO HELP YOU IF I CAN......

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