My son passed away suddenly on April 20, 2011, he was almost 30 years old. It has been almost 8 months and it is still so painful. My whole world came crashing down on that day. I used to be the happiest person. I felt so blessed to have a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful sons. Now I just feel sad all the time and try to understand what our life here is all about. My son was months away from getting married. He loved life and enjoyed every minute of it. He took the time to enjoy each moment and all the people in his life. We talked everynight, he was and is still my best friend. My older son does not like to talk about his death. He does not like to discuss his feelings and feels uncomfortable when I try to talk to him about my sadness. I try to put up a happy front when I am around him, but I feel like I am deceiving him and myself by not showing him my true feelings.
I have some good support through my husband and a few friends. But, lately I feel that the friends I thought would be here for me are not. They do not mention my son or really ask how I am feeling. They are going on with their lives and leaving me behind. I feel so alone sometimes and wonder how I am going to survive this grief. I try to talk to myself and encourage myself to hang in, that it will get better. I have some good moments , I cry everyday,I try to laugh at least once a day, I pray for strength and peace, I go about my normal routine but the restless feelings never cease.
I have tried Compassionate Friends but found it very depressing, I may have to try again. I find that I feel my best when I am out walking my dog or in the garden or taking a drive with my husband. I have lost my mom and dad and some good friends and came through the grief okay. But losing a child is to me the most devastating thing I will ever have to go through. I prayed everyday to God to keep my sons safe. I guess we cannot control when it is our time to go. I pray that someday I will be able to find some peace with myself and some joy again.