Jacob 20 y/o, 11/20/11

I have lost my son. He was killed in a single car accident in November, 2011. We had just had a really stupid fight. He said he loved me and I shut the door, I didn't say it back, I was so mad at him. He didn't show up at his Dad's house, we spent the whole night looking for him. The police found his truck in a bridge ravine at 6am. I am devastated. I can't forgive myself. I am so alone and lost without him. He was so happy and was going to propose to his girlfriend on Christmas. He never got to live, experience life and all it had to give. I go to work and do all the normal things, but it's like I'm on auto-pilot. People have forgotten, they have moved on. I can't forget or move on. I can't function. I had just divorced his father after 22 years of marriage, I caused this, it's my fault, it's a truth thats hard to live with.
He was such a giving, caring person. He called me Ma, never Mom. He was tall and big and would give me the best bear hugs. He had a contagious smile and he didnt't know a stranger. He would do anything for anyone. He took care of me, fixing, repairing things. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do for me. I always told him I loved him, ALWAYS! As soon as he left I felt guilty and tried to call him, he didn't answer. He died within 10 minutes of leaving. He died instantly, but it eats at me that he spent 12 hours in a ravine, all alone. I looked in that ravine and didn't see his truck. I need to hear from him, I want to tell him I love him, that I am sorry.

Comments for Jacob 20 y/o, 11/20/11

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Jun 20, 2012
by: Judith in California

I’m so sorry for your loss of your wonderful son.

First let go of the false guilt. Give it to god and don’t take it back. You did not intend to do anything. Please don’t beat yourself up. You are human and when we are angry we just can’t muster up the I Love You back. I don’t tell my son I love you back when I am angry with him.
Second, He knew you loved him regardless. The wreck is not your fault. You were not driving and you were not in the truck. Your divorce did not cause it either. You have to give it to God in order to move forward. The blame game keeps you locked up.

In reality, a lot of folks don’t get the opportunity to say I love you to a loved one before they pass. It’s only in the movies they do that.
God did not let him suffer in that ravine. It was his body left there but his spirit had already gone to God for his safe keeping.

I have said a prayer for you to heal and get to the acceptance and peaceful side of the grief process. It will happen in time, one breath, one minute, one day at a time.

Take care.

Jun 18, 2012
I feel your pain
by: Anonymous

I feel deply sorry for your lost, and just as you describe your emotions it's exactly how I feel. I lost my sister 2 months ago and it has been horrible. She was my everything but deep inside of me I have a comfort sensation that we will met again. Life will not be the same but this is the best we have try to make it trough day by day. Focus on all the happy moments you guys spend together and don't think of what you would of have done because we cannot go back in time. I'm sure you were a great ma to him that's why he said he loved you, remember that! It helps to write down all your emotions, look for a grief group and if it helps there are very good books that will help you to go through this ( 90 min in heaven and the purpose of driven life) I will keep you in prayers!

Jun 18, 2012
We are here for you
by: Bernadina

It hurts the heart to hear the pain you are suffering for your
beautiful son Jacob. I know the agony of guilt, and mine had been
overwhelming since my son Danu was killed in 2009.
The guilt was crippling me and I never dreamed I would be able to let it go. I was fortunate to have his beloved wife Kerri by my
side through daily emails. She too felt overwhelming guilt.
Life is strange and sometimes shocking. One little moment gone astray and everything changes.
You are not responsible for your son's death. You were not driving the vehicle. I had to say these things over and over to Kerri. We must place responsibility where it is due.

One day while I was engrossed in the charity work I was doing in
honour of my son, his voice told me I had to let the guilt go because it was self-centered. He wanted more from me than that.
From that day forward, I began to let it go and I must say it required very little time and released me from the pit of despair.
I seldom think of it now. Danu is relieved. It is my love he needs
rather than my guilt. Continue to love your boy with your pure mother's heart. Live with him, laugh with him, and shed tears
sometimes. Together. It will make you both strong. And that is
just the beginning. It pains Jacob to know your unbearable pain.
There is a big bear hug waiting for you and miracles he will send from the other side. Life has its wonderful surprises too.
He wants you to know that. How much he loves you, ma.
Our beautiful children continue into eternity.
Talk to me if you feel the need. Talking was my salvation.

Jun 18, 2012
Jacob died at 20
by: Doreen England U.K.

I am so sorry for your loss of your son Jacob 20. You are punishing yourself for the unfinished business. You had an arguement that ended abruptly with you shutting the door. You didn't get the chance to answer Jacob when he said I Love YOU. Of course you are devastated. You lost your beloved son abruptly and instantly. A sudden death doesn't give one the chance to end things thinking one can carry on where they left off. This sad to say is called LIFE.
Life happens. None of us knows the consequence of the things we say or don't say that can affect a person and then GUILT sets in and we can't get rid of it. I have an attack of GUILT now and I can't resolve it. Like myself You will have to let it go. FORGIVE YOURSELF. Also remember that you did often say I LOVE YOU to your son. Your son knew he was LOVED. Parents don't stop loving their children when they argue. You have brought your son up well. Applaud yourself for this. The type of young man you express in your email sounds like an exceptional caring young man and this is due to you. You probably blame yourself for the divorce. It may have affected your son's life as divorce does in the way it causes divided loyalties between the childen and parents. I have been there so know what you are going through. Again LIFE HAPPENS. DIVORCE HAPPENS.
Sadly DEATH HAPPENS. It is how we cope that is important. WE all have life and we all face death one day. Perhaps we have a life span that can't be altered and when it is time we have to leave this world then this is how it is? I don't know but I have heard this said. It is not over till God says it is over. I said this to my husband . He had lung cancer. I nursed him 3yrs 39days and watched him die slowly. It was painfull. I buried him 6 weeks ago. The grief is great. We get through it one day at a time. I hope you have support now to help you get through it. If not find a counsellor who will help you. A bereavement counsellor will be the support you need. You need to get a lot off your chest perhaps you didn't resolve issues about your divorce and this may be an opportunity to do this. Best wishes.

Jun 18, 2012
I understand
by: carol,seans mom

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my 24 year old son on November 15,2011. Life is devastating now. I was seperated also from his dad after 22 years of marriage. We had not been together for about five years when Sean died. I felt the same as you. If I had made the marriage work maybe Sean would be here today. I know his death had nothing to do with us not being together. I think the guilt of any inperfections in our life is normal. Guilt is a part of grief and I can tell you if I knew it was going to happen I would never let it. We love our boys. We would never want harm to come to them. Yes they are missing their lives and it is just awful. Life is cruel and unfair sometimes. I don't understand why is is so terrible to some. I love and miss my son every day but I am realizing I loved him more than anything and if I could of saved him I would. My life will never be the same. Trying to figure out how to feel even a little normal is impossible. Everyone else around goes on and I am a heartbroken mom with two daughters left who need me. Seven months later I am absolutely exhausted. I hope we both find peace!

Jun 18, 2012
by: Tammie

Sweetheart....you did not kill your son. I know what it is like to lose a child at such a young age. My sweet sweet Brittany who was also 20 died in my sons arms the day after giving birth to their daughter. She had her heart valve rupture... not a moment goes by that I don't wish I could have told her I loved her more than I did. Nothing can ever replace the love of a child....nothing...You are in my heart and prayers...Jacob sounds like he was a beautiful spirit...I am also upset and can't function. My Brittanys death was only a week ago... I will never get over it... but... I know that one day I will see her again... that gives me some peace..what happend to your son was a very very tragic thing...but sweetie.. it is NOT your fault. If you ever want to talk all you have to do is comment back and let me know. I am sending you one of those big ol bear hugs he used to give you.... God Bless you...

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