James Onice Angel Sr. 1957-2012

by Bostwick

Hey y'all,

I haven't been able to speak of my father's passing with anyone other than my wife. It's been a little over a month.
Let's rewind to July 2010. Dad went in to his doctor, that he has seen for at least 15 years, and noticed a considerable amount of weight loss. Upon getting blood work and xrays scheduled, we were told that my father had some spots on his right lung. AdinoCarsonma Stage 3a, immediately they started of with 36 rounds of Chemo and 40 rounds of radiation. After all these treatments, dad was given a clean bill of health.
Six months later the spots were coming back bigger and stronger. After a week of aggressive radiation, we were told they would retest in a few weeks. over that period of time, dad would begin to feel better, up doing things that he loved to do. (Landscaping/Grading by trade and Fisherman as passion), we went to the lake on the boat, just he and I. He started feeling ill after rangling in some good ol' flathead
catfish. So, we left. In the truck, on the way home he began to tell me that he could taste it and that this time would be IT. I tried to downplay the fact, and tried to convince him that it was just in his head. Fast forward after a couple more radiation and chemo treatments, after new PET scans found more spots from his lung all the way back around to the spine. Upgraded to Stage 4. after several attempts of trying different types of chemo, the doctor insisted the family to brace ourselves. If the cancer spread in the spine that would be it. Before leaving the dr. office we were given six months.
Now, April 15, 2012, dad's 55th birthday. Dad has really gone down hill, but still out with all of the family as we threw him a big birthday party. Limited mobility in a wheelchair is really getting to my dad. The first time I have seen my dad smile and the way he embraced my son for the gift he was given. Tore me up. Day after day since his birthday and dad has gone down hill. The cancer spread into the spine and he his paralyzed from the waist down. I'll spare details from the final mins of his life as I do not have the strength to mention what I saw my hero go through. 4:10 AM APRIL 21st, 2012 my father passed away holding mine and my mothers hand, with us telling him it was ok to go, he faintly said I love yall. took his final breath and went on to the other side.

Exactly one month later we laid my grandmother to rest beside him. I am lost, I have a beautiful wife and an awesome son, but I don't know how to cope. I just want to find a cave and disappear. My dad was everything to me. I am 24 years old, I went to him for everything, advise, help, just a talk, ect. I learned so much from him, but there is so much more I wanted to learn. My father was well known and very respected and loved. At his wake, everyone was shoulder to shoulder and elbow to elbow. Sorry im rambling, but im trying. We both had the same interests, cars, fishing, hunting, guns, ect. now when i get excited about it I want to go over to his house to tell him, as I am getting in the truck I remember he's gone. I had an accident on the highway and he was the first person I started calling. I can't grasp that he is gone, I feel like a little kid instead of a man. I question my own mortality and how I can be a father. I am not the same person and part of me died. God bless my wife, she accepted the fact I cannot work right now due to this and backed me 100% to take time for me to heal. I miss him more and more each day....it has not gotten any easier. Will it ever?

James Angel Jr.

Comments for James Onice Angel Sr. 1957-2012

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Jun 17, 2012
Your dad
by: Anonymous

I know how you feel i lost my dad also and everyday to me is hard i was a daddys girl. (mid 40s and still daddys girl) and when he died i wanted to carry him to his grave mom said no i said i never left his side in life im not leaving him in death i held it together enough to carry this wonderful man too his grave while i was walking him to his grave for a moment i thought my dad is watching can you imagine how proud he is that his daughter loved him that much. so with alittle bit of my story. i just live everyday with every thing i do i do as if he is right by my side 3 yrs going on 4 i still cry but i try to think is this what our dads would want us to do no they would want us to be happy start living and take on life as if it is a golden treasure.high five to your wife an amazing woman. just dont forget your son can see how this affects you.

Jun 08, 2012
It gets better
by: Anonymous

James, your story sounds almost exactly like mine. I lost my father to cancer in April of 2010; he was 59 at the time and I was 27.

There was a time when I didn't think I would ever get over the loss of my dad but here I am, two years later, and I am able to remember the good times I shared with my father and smile. There are still moments of pain and sadness - like tonight, when I saw a picture of my uncle and his smile reminded me of my dad's smile. Sometimes these moments catch me off-guard (like tonight) but at a much lower frequency than they did in the past.

You mention that your dad was the first person you'd call, that you get excited about something and the first person you want to talk to is your dad - those are the same feelings I felt about my father and that's really why I decided to respond to your comment. I can remember, the day after he died, the entire family (me, my mom, brother, and my uncles) all went out to eat since we had all come together by his side as he died. Anyway, when we were leaving the restaurant, I looked around and took a mental inventory of everyone - and I didn't see my dad. Did we leave him in the restaurant? I was about to open my mouth to tell everyone that we left dad in the restaurant, but then the cold, hard reality hit me and I remembered he had died. Wow, did that feel bad. That happened a few times after he died. Other times I would do something or see something that I know he would have appreciated, and I would instantly begin the process of calling him - only to be again reminded that he had died.

I'm writing all of this to tell you that in my case, things got better and I hope they will for you as well. Time really does heal wounds - although I hated hearing that expression after my dad died. I didn't want the pain to go away, I just wanted my dad back! But over time it's rang true for me and I'm thankful that I can usually remember my father with a smile on my face instead of tears on my cheeks. The tears still come - i doubt they'll ever go away completely and I don't want them to - but the intense pain I felt, the emptiness inside of me after he died has largely healed.

I just wanted to share my experience because it sounded so similar to yours. I'm sorry for your loss. I also think it's great that your dad was able to have a relationship with your children (his grandchildren) - I don't have kids and the fact that my children will grow up never knowing my father just tears me up inside sometimes. Sorry for rambling.

May 30, 2012
Grief struck
by: Helen

Hi James, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, my dad died over 3 months ago suddenly from heart attack and my heart knows some of the pain you are going through.
Your grief is overwhelming you and I'm so pleased that you had the courage to come online and express some of your true inner feelings which have been churning through alone, for many months.
Remember you are not alone there are others here who have experienced some of your heart ache, and who are always willing to share and help you through this devastating loss of your beloved father.
Expressing your grief openly will help to relieve some of the internal pain you are feeling.
I know where your coming from, wanting to talk to your dad about your life and interests. When dad died it felt like I'd lost myself as he is very much apart of me, we used to talk daily.
For me I know he would want me to continue my life and be happy, however there are days when I feel like I'm not on this planet, floating above daily events, being apart from everything that is happening around me. When I feel this happening I need to be more aware and not drive.
Our own Mortality comes to the front when a family member dies, and we have to reassess our values and role in this life.
My wish for you with the help of your loving wife and supportive friends who truly understand or have experienced death within the own family,- the path from grief recovery will be made a lot easier for you.
May you carry the warmth and love of your father over to your children and have as much fun with them as you had with your father.
Love and Peace to you

May 28, 2012
Your papa
by: Debi M.

James -

I just want to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your dad. Very hard to lose a parent at your young age. I wish you peace and comfort in the days ahead and many happy memories.

Debi M.

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