James Pinkney Infinger 11/06/1955 - 08/07/2012

by Kathern Infinger
(Welcome, NC)

My husband, James Pinkney Infinger, and I were set up on a blind date by his brother June 1987. I was 18 years old and he was 32 years old. I never would have thought we would have stayed together because of the age difference, but 25 years later and we were. He was kinder to me than anyone I had ever met and he was a lot of fun. He was a hard worker and a good provider and all he ever wanted to do was take care of me. He always teased me about me not drinking because this way he had a permanent designated driver. I did not mind because I enjoyed watching him have fun with his friends and family.

We both worked full time and tried to have to have children but we never could. I was so sad about this because I knew he wanted to be a father and he would make a great father. I wanted to be a mother to a child, any child. After spending who knows how much money and time on fertility treatments and so forth we gave up on the idea of a biological child. We ended up adopting two wonderful children, one at 22 months old and 18 months old. He adored these children. He loved them more than his own life and would do and did do anything for them. If it meant playing soccer, baseball, going on roller coaster rides, water parks, swimming or fishing, for endless hours to make them happy, then that's what he did. I felt like I had three children because he had just as much fun as they did. He spoiled our children rotten and loved them like every day was their last.

He had been ill in the past and had had a quadruple bypass surgery just as our son was 2 1/2 years old. He feared that due to his health our son would be taken away and that worried him more than having the surgery. His parents both had passed away from heart failure and it was no surprise that he would have problems but he did fine and then we got our little girl shortly afterwards. Her and him were joined at the hip. She is a tomboy and he loved it. She dragged him on fishing trips, swimming, soccer games, and she begged him to play every minute of the day with her and he loved it.

He started gradually being ill again 10/2011. With several different admissions to the hospital for the last year. He was finally diagnosed with Nils disease which is normally an easy to treat kidney disease. He sensed there was something else wrong. Now that I look back, I realize the fear in his eyes and the sorrow in his heart that he was showing, but just keeping it to himself so he would not worry us. Every so often he would drop a hint that he does not have much longer to live but never said it was a very short term feeling. God if I had only known!!!

All he ever asked of his family was for them to be happy, get along, and have a good time. We took our last vacation in 07/2012 and all he could say over and over, "this is going to be our best vacation ever, I can feel it"!!! As most families do, some arguments and fusses did occur like normal. God if I had only known this was going to be out last vacation together I would have done so many things differently just to make sure his wishes came true.

He usually would forget my birthday or mix it up with another day but this year he through me a party at a restaurant. He was so proud of himself and I doted over him like he was a king. I was so proud of him. I just wish to God I knew this was my last birthday with him!!! I would have doted over him like he was 10 kings!!!

Two weeks before he passed away we happen to run across a new pet store at the Mall. He went in and saw a piebald dachshund. He demanded that I buy that dog for my early birthday present. I argued with him because I really did not want another dog. Something clicked after a few minutes that his feelings was seriously hurt because I did not want his gift offer. Finally I grinned really big and said fine, let's take him home. I doted over the dog a lot and really made a big fuss over it because it really meant a lot to him. God if I had only known he wanted me to have that dog to remember him by I would have reacted so differently at first. Now I worship and spoil that dog like he's a baby. I originally named him Pinkney, my husband's middle name. He really like that!

My husband was out of work again from his last admission to the hospital and staying at home and was glad he was going to be able to spend more time with the kids before school started. On Tuesday, August 7, 2012, I woke up and was trying to be very quiet and getting ready for work. At 5:30 a.m. I came out of the shower and realized he did not look right. He had passed away in his sleep during the early morning hours. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and not sure how I am going to continue without my best friend. He was everything to me. He did everything for us.

I feel so bad because I cannot remember if I told him I loved him enough, told him how wonderful he was, told him how wonderful of a father he was, I don't know if I thanked him enough for all that he did and thank him for just being there for me for 25 wonderful years. I can't remember what I said or did for him, but I do remember what all he did for us and how good he was. I just should have said it EVERY DAY!!! God if I had only known!!!

I would give ANYTHING, ANYTHING, just to have him back for five more minutes to tell him what I should have and tell him how missed he will be for all the rest of my days. I go to his grave EVERY DAY and beg for forgiveness from him for not telling him all of this, for not doing everything he asked me to do for him, for not making all of our vacations the best they could have been, for not being a better wife, and God the list goes on forever!!!

I am writing this memorial in my wonderful husband's honor but I am also writing this hoping he hears it some how and understands how much I love him and how much I am missing him.

I am also hoping to help as many people as possible understand, tell your loved ones that you love them, that you cherish them, do as much as you can for them even when you're tired, go the extra mile for them every day, because tomorrow you might not get to and then you will regret it just I do now.

God I love that man. I know your not suppose to question God's motives or plans but I am feeling really selfish right now and want him back. I know one day I will get to see him again but I will spend the rest of my life wishing to God I went that extra mile for him.

Comments for James Pinkney Infinger 11/06/1955 - 08/07/2012

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Feb 10, 2015
Thank you whoever you are!!!
by: Kathern C. Infinger

I am so sorry it has taken me so long to respond to you. You were correct that I might not get to see it. It's been awhile since I pulled this up. He was a wonderful man, husband, son, brother, and most of all father. It's good to know that people still remember him! Thank you and God bless!

Oct 13, 2014
Served with Jim in Friedberg Germany 78 & 79
by: Bob Romig

Not sure you will see this but I appreciated your writing about Jim. I heard today from a fellow Vet that Jim had passed. He was a good man!

Oct 08, 2012
Grieving much the same
by: Beverly

You commented on my posting for my husband who I lost approximately a month before yours and you said some wonderful things and asked that I read your grief blog. A lot of similarities - including your husband's birthdate - my own birthday is 11/04/55. Yours sounds like a wonderful loving relationship just as mine was. Oh sure, there were ups and downs but we always knew our love would carry us through any trials. That's why it it is so hard to live without them. My life is just so lonely - not for people in general - I have that - but for him in particular. You question many things - after they happened - I have too. If only...............but this was their time. God wanted them home with Him. We must rest in the arms of God and allow ourselves the grieving process until we are reunited one day. And I am attending a grief share support group as well. It is nice to have a group to talk to and to share who know exactly how you are feeling. Thanks for your encouragement. I will keep you in my prayers as well.

Sep 14, 2012
You are Blessed
by: Anonymous

Not that I ever try to even imagine the pain you fill, I sorry but I don't want to.
But I do beleive that your husband knew the love you had for him. I too am best friends with my husband and he knows me like no other. He also accepts me and all my faults, loves me inspite of them. Even if you feel like you should have done this or that your beloved husband knew who you are and loved you for the person you are. I don't beleive he wanted you to be any other way.

Rest in the arms of God. Peace be with you and your family.

Sep 12, 2012
The Peace Of God Healeth All Things!!
by: Lisa Jones

TO BE ABSENT FROM THE BODY AND PRESENT WITH THE LORD IS ONE OF THE GREATEST THINGS EVER! My heart goes out to you Kathy and I have prayed for you and the children while you were away. You have written such a touching story in reference to your husband and I am in augh! But for all of your pain and all of your hurt the LORD knows and he sees. The peace of GOD is going to be a fence around you, your family, and your heart. The LORD loves you and he knows where it hurts. All of the would haves and could haves we can never fix. But you spent time with him and you appreciated him relentlessly. So as you move forward in this new life, even without his presence you will began to grow your relationship even the more with GOD and your children along with other family members. Just hold on to the things that meant something good and the rest is worked out in the spirit rim with the help of our Lord & Saviour. And I am here if you ever need prayer or just a hug or maybe even conversation. I love you and I have always thought of you as a friend and great co-worker. The pain that you may feel even right now is only temporary. But the rememberance of your husband will always be. The story book has not been closed, you are just changing the pages to add some things that are even the more new, but yet profound. The nights may seem long and the days may be short, but the LORD promised to keep us green meadows for comfort. So for each tear that you shed and no one cannot see and for each time your heart aches and you cannot rest, remember the LORD is near and dear to you and he can be the best comfodone anyone could ever desire or need. Our life must stay in his hands and our thoughts must be his thoughts, and our ways must be his ways, because he is the first and the last. So unto you and the shadow of our almighty GOD be at peace from today hence fourth and forever more with real LOVE in your heart. I am only a phone call away if you ever need a friend. LOVE, LJ=+)

Aug 29, 2012
Thank you soooo much for your comments.
by: Kathern Infinger

It really does help when I read other people's comments and stories about their situations. I thought maybe I was the worst wife in the world. Maybe not the best but with your support I think now, not the worst. Thank you all so much. It really does help. God Bless each and everyone of you and I will say a prayer for each of you as you have for me. God Bless!!!

Aug 29, 2012
James Pinkney Infingerd
by: Doreen U.K.

Kathern, I am sorry for your loss of your husband. Don't beat yourself up all the time wishing you did things differently. Wishing you made your husband happier, wishing that you did this and did that differently. WE ALL FEEL LIKE THIS. But reality says LIFE IS NOT TAIOR MADE as if we do everything right all the time. We are imperfect people. We do as much as we can and then we have to leave the rest to God. God is the only one who can meet all our needs. This is just your grief giving expression. We will all feel miserable most of the time till we can see things clearer. Every day is empty for me and I just exist. Through our grief we will move forward. But don't rush grief. You/We will one day find a purpose to live and move forward from our grief otherwise grief would swallow us up.

Aug 29, 2012
He DOES know!
by: Irena

Your story brought tears to my eyes.
It also gave me hope to know that there is love out there.
He knows that you loved him and still love him.

Read "Don't Kiss them Goodbye" by Allison DuBpois.

God Bless You!

Aug 29, 2012
Love of my life
by: Pat J

Don't be so hard on yourself. Your husband knew and knows how much you loved and cherished him.
After 46 years of marriage and almost 50 years together, I lost the love of my life on June 27,2011, the day after our 46th wedding anniversary, which was June 26,2011. He had a massive heart attack and died instantly. I was standing at his side.
I too had all these shoulds and would of, if only and WHY? It was 14 months on August 27th that Red(his nickname)died. I still have this ache in my heart for him and realize I always will.
Your GRIEF is oh so fresh. I remember, after Red's death going through the motions. I called it, my survivor mode. So much of our early days are a fog. Be gentle on yourself. Talk, cry, punch pillows, scream, it's okay. You have lost the love of your life and only someone who has gone through a loss like ours understands. I joined a grief support group through my church. That helped me so much and I developed a strong bond and friendship with three other widows(I hate that word, but that is what I am)and we call each other and do things together. We all grieve differently and there isn't any time limit on our grief. It is what it is. Be gentle on yourself; do things that make you feel good. In the early stages you don't think you will ever laugh again, but you will. I went on a mini vacation this summer in June with my friends. We all were laughing so hard the tears and stomach aches came. I told them all thank you, I never thought I would laugh like that again-imagine 4 woman together in one motel room.
Katherine, talk to your husband, I think they hear us; my husband leaves me signs. I turned on the radio, a song came on. I listened to the words, thought of Red and the tears came. My husband has visited me; may sound crazy to some, but he did and he also has visited our children. Our oldest daughter and youngest son, had the best experiences, but I feel their dad knew they needed to hear from him. A year later and I feel his presence in our home. I don't ever feel alone; tell him Honey, you"re here with me and I love and miss you.
We will always love and miss them. They took a piece of us with them. I tell Red Good Night I Love and Miss You and in the morning I tell him Good Morning Sweetheart I love You. I am doing this for me; maybe one day I will no longer do that, but then again who knows. We had a loving relationship and always said that to each other.
This isn't an easy journey, but One Day at a Time we all will make it. God Bless You, Kathrerine I am saying a special prayer for you, I have been where you are now in your grief.

Aug 29, 2012
by: MoonlightSkywriter

Sweetie, your husband hears you no matter if you are at the grave or at home. He passed being close to you. He is at peace now. You gave him enough love to last him his eternal life with the Lord.

I know you should have done have or did want to make more sense or did more. but you can only do so much. Talk to him. He can hear you anyplace.

IT seems after 40 days they come back to tell us they are fine. My dad last week I was working on my writing and for some reason a bottle of shampoo fell off the counter to the floor. That was HIS way to tell me he is here.

MY dad was my life, I miss him alot and it does take time to heal when others are not around talk to him... tell him how much he means to you.. and the children. tell the kids to pray that daddy still loves them in heaven. he hears you. do not feel sorry about anything you did all you could do for him and he knows it. When it came for him to go, he went the way he wanted with you by his side and did not want to alarm you. It was his time. Oh I wish that everyone lived forever but that could not be, then the world would not have enough food to go around and we be overcrowded with people but what I would have liked is to keep our loved ones close with us till they reached 200 yrs old and then take them. that way you did not mind that is pretty old. They do not make our hearts like they did in the 20's 1920's i mean, the food is different now filled with fatty stuff to make us sick and die young. well, eat right be alive for your children they love their momma. stay safe and talk to him, cause he can hear you even playing that old music in the car...Revoltion by the beatles that he loved.

Aug 29, 2012
So sorry for your loss.
by: Anonymous

I read what you wrote and I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss.

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