Jason, 1974-2013. The love of my life.
My love story was not long enough, and my life has changed forever. I have lost the love of my life, Jason, after only 18 months together. I waited nearly all my adult life to meet this wonderful man, and now he is gone. He died on March 9th 2013, around 4.30am. He took his own life. I found him hanging in the garage a short time afterwards. He was very intoxicated and had been extremely tired for weeks. It was a complete shock to myself, his family and friend. There were no obvious warning signs. We can only guess why.
Jason was a survivor of suicide himself, and was vehemently against it. His brother had committed suicide when Jason was in his early 20’s. His mother died suddenly in 2011, her death caused by medical misadventure. Jason was extremely close to his mother and brother, and I don’t think he really grieved for either of them. He said that they were gone and there was no point dwelling on it. He carried a lot of anger around inside him, and I believe it was tied up with his bottled up grief.
We were both so ridiculously happy to have finally met our perfect partner. We talked and laughed and danced and cooked and played and loved and always remained thankful that we had found each other. We had made plans for the next day, the next week, next month, next year and even for our retirement. We knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We fell in love very quickly and moved in together after a few weeks.
Jason was a fun, loving, generous person. He loved a good laugh, and enjoyed playing pranks - but always included himself. He would do anything for our friends. Nothing was ever too much trouble. He was a kind, considerate, passionate and thoughtful partner to me, and a fantastic father to his two young children. He was motivated, and always had something on the go. Jason couldn’t get things done quickly enough – doing it today was okay, but he would rather it had been done yesterday. He had a zest for life. He had a huge personality. He is sadly missed by all those who had the privilege of knowing him.
I believe Jason was in deep despair that morning, and wanted to end the immense pain and suffering he carried with him, and he made a final irrational decision. His pain is now over, but mine has just begun.
It has been 3 weeks and one day since he died, and I am still walking around in shock. I have barely cried since the funeral. The flowers have all died and I removed the last of them on Thursday. I have two shrines to Jason set ,one in the lounge and one in our bedroom. There are so many questions. How did I not see that pain inside him? Why did he not confide in me? I don’t know where he is. I want him to come home.I miss him. I love him so much. I feel confused. I feel lost.