Jason, 1974-2013. The love of my life.

by Kyla
(New Zealand)

My love story was not long enough, and my life has changed forever. I have lost the love of my life, Jason, after only 18 months together. I waited nearly all my adult life to meet this wonderful man, and now he is gone. He died on March 9th 2013, around 4.30am. He took his own life. I found him hanging in the garage a short time afterwards. He was very intoxicated and had been extremely tired for weeks. It was a complete shock to myself, his family and friend. There were no obvious warning signs. We can only guess why.
Jason was a survivor of suicide himself, and was vehemently against it. His brother had committed suicide when Jason was in his early 20’s. His mother died suddenly in 2011, her death caused by medical misadventure. Jason was extremely close to his mother and brother, and I don’t think he really grieved for either of them. He said that they were gone and there was no point dwelling on it. He carried a lot of anger around inside him, and I believe it was tied up with his bottled up grief.
We were both so ridiculously happy to have finally met our perfect partner. We talked and laughed and danced and cooked and played and loved and always remained thankful that we had found each other. We had made plans for the next day, the next week, next month, next year and even for our retirement. We knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We fell in love very quickly and moved in together after a few weeks.
Jason was a fun, loving, generous person. He loved a good laugh, and enjoyed playing pranks - but always included himself. He would do anything for our friends. Nothing was ever too much trouble. He was a kind, considerate, passionate and thoughtful partner to me, and a fantastic father to his two young children. He was motivated, and always had something on the go. Jason couldn’t get things done quickly enough – doing it today was okay, but he would rather it had been done yesterday. He had a zest for life. He had a huge personality. He is sadly missed by all those who had the privilege of knowing him.
I believe Jason was in deep despair that morning, and wanted to end the immense pain and suffering he carried with him, and he made a final irrational decision. His pain is now over, but mine has just begun.
It has been 3 weeks and one day since he died, and I am still walking around in shock. I have barely cried since the funeral. The flowers have all died and I removed the last of them on Thursday. I have two shrines to Jason set ,one in the lounge and one in our bedroom. There are so many questions. How did I not see that pain inside him? Why did he not confide in me? I don’t know where he is. I want him to come home.I miss him. I love him so much. I feel confused. I feel lost.

Comments for Jason, 1974-2013. The love of my life.

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Aug 25, 2013
Be kind to yourself
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss. My boyfriend of 5 years was abusing substances and overdosed a few months ago. I understand the shock you feel, as I had no idea of his struggles. The last few months have been hell. I get by thanks to an anti-depressant that allows me to return to work and function. Please know that you could not have done anything to prevent this tragedy. If a person is so deeply conflicted and is harming themselves, they are the only person who can help themselves out of the situation. In this case, you could not help your boyfriend in any way, because you did not know of his struggles. Don't blame yourself and play the "what if" game. I have done it and finally realized that none of it matters, as I had none of the information I would have needed to even realize that help was needed.

Please get yourself a good psychiatrist and psychologist. You are going to need one to help you through the grief process. I wish you strength and peace on your journey. I struggle to find mine everyday...

Mar 31, 2013
by: Kyla

Thank you for your support Doreen. I have seen your post and I also wish you strength, love and comfort while dealing with the loss of your husband. I started 'Postvention' suicide counselling last week. I'm hoping it will be able to help me work through the suicide issues so that I can begin to grieve for myself and Jason. The children are doing okay so far.

Mar 31, 2013
Jason, 1974-2013, The Love of my life
by: Doreen U.K.

Kyla I am so very sorry for your loss of Jason from your life. You had such a great relationship that many people wish they could have. You will feel very confused and lost with many questions. How could the man you loved end his life so quickly from a high point of extreme happiness and then into a pit of despair that made no sense?
You say How could you have not known the despair he was in and pick up on this?
Jason could have been so happy with you and content but bubbling under the surface was the pain he left behind of a mother dying and a brother who committed suicide and he had never dealt with the grief and pain. Something triggered off this pain and he was so overwhelmed by it that he took a spur of the moment decision to end his misery. He wouldn't have wanted to interrupt your happiness from the point of where you were both in the relationship. It is just that. An irrational spur of the moment decision without any thought of who he was leaving behind. just that he was ending his misery.
You could benefit from seeing a grief counsellor so that you can get past the pain and numbness that causes you difficulty in grieving. Your grief may be frozen which is why you can't cry. You will then thaw out and feel the grief so bad that you would need support to get past this feeling of being lost and in shock that this has happened. Two children will also need support from the loss of a father. They will be very confused and angry that their father chose a way of leaving them behind without the presence of any illness or sickness that claimed his life. Children are very perceptive and will work it out depending on their age. To be lied to will not be a good idea with re-percussions down the line. So it will take a lot of tact and wisdom to know how to approach them with the truth but also shielding them from the fullness of this death. Suicide still carries some stigma and this needs to be processed.
Professional support for the 2 children may also prevent a pattern of behaviour that if repeated would destroy a family.

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