jason was 23 when he died

by karen chism
(anniston al)





When i was 20 years old i was an cocaine addict. One night i over dosed, when i woke up in the hospital i was told i was pregnant. I was a scared single mother, but i made a promise, get clean, get an education, support my baby and never let anything get to him or hurt him like it did me. I failed. That promise wasnt kept. Even though i stayed clean. Church raised my son. I lost him to methadone and a laundry list of other drugs. I would throw away every thing i own, i would give anything to be able to give him one more hug. My purpose to change, to live and work hard is gone. Im so shattered I cant cope right now.

Comments for jason was 23 when he died

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Apr 09, 2016
Renne
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. It's been 3 years. And I have learned valuable lessons.
1) people will take advantage of you when you weakened by the death of your child.
2) pray. Never cease the LORD's guidance.
3) go to a grief share class.
4) seek a good therapist
Even then it hurts. I feel as if my heart is buried with my son and I am a walking zombie.
Some days are better then others, your friends are not going to understand, some family won't either. Seek other parents whom have lost a child. They understand all of the emotions we have.

Apr 09, 2016
I'm so sorry
by: Renee

Dearest Chism's Mom,

I am heartbroken reading about your son. I lost my 22 yr old daughter on 9/27/07. She was 22. I understand your pain and frustration. Every day I wonder why she had to leave us. Why did she have to leave behind her 2 yr old son and newborn twins?

I miss her every day, just as you miss your son. Her death was so sudden. On a day she was to go home with her babies, she was gone. Forever!!! Losing my baby girl is the most difficult thing I have ever been through. We are not supposed to bury our children, we are supposed to go first at a very old age. It's just not fair! I feel cheated.

Everyone says that time will heal the pain. I feel like they are lying to me. It is still just as painful as the moment they told us they couldn't save her.

I do understand! I feel your pain! I am in tears. A mom should always be able to watch her child grow. The loss of your son will always be a part of your life. So will his life. I try to remember happier times. I can't. I've been told a part of me died with her. It saddens me. Even though it's been over 7 years, it huts every day. You will always miss your son. You will always ask "Why?". You will continue to put one foot in front of the other and keep walking through the fog. You will get out of bed every morning and go about your day. You will learn how to get through the numbNess of the day. You will see something that you think he would really like. You reach for it only to realize you can't give it to him. You reach for the phone but he is not on the other end.

I wish I could help you, but I can't. I wish I could offer you words of wisdom, but I can't. I'm sure you have a lot of people doing that already.

Stay strong for you! Not because some one else tells you to. Cry when you want. Scream if you need to. It's just not fair! If other people could see the world as you do, as I do, without our child with us, then they can offer their hearts to us and let us grieve as long as we need to. I don't feel like it will ever go away.

My heart goes out to you.

Renée

Dec 07, 2015
Christmas
by: Jason's mom

This marks the 3rd Christmas with out, the 3 rd birthday, the 3rd year anniversary of your death. All I can say, every year that passes it gets harder and harder to deal with you being gone.
I put up a Christmas tree this year. At your grave. I never ever thought I would decorate a grave with a Christmas tree. I'm missing you so much Jason. My heart is forever broken. Words cannot describe the pain of having to let you go.
Love mom

Jul 31, 2015
summer with out jason
by: missing jason

another summer with out my son. my heart is so heavy with him. while every one is swimmer. going to ball games and cooking out. I hide away. wishing he was here with me.

May 25, 2014
another summer
by: Chism's mom

Another summer filled with fireworks and bbq's. I miss Jason so much it hurts. I see all my friends opening their pools. Planning vactions and what hurts the most is watching my friends having grandchildren. I will never be a grandmother. I put flowers on my son's headstone while putting on a brave face and showing up at bbq's. I'm drowning inside. Does this get any better?

Jan 01, 2014
another year
by: chism's mom

This christmas was a hard one. I set the christmas villiage out and the three. I wanted jason to see the lights. Now another year has passed. Another year without my son. I miss him so very much my heart is raw with emotion. Till we meet again my son. Momma loves you.

Oct 18, 2013
another day
by: chism's mom

It has been a little over a year that i had to bury my son. And the time has not made the greaving process any easier. I find my self angry. Bitter and the overwhelming amount of guilt I feel when I start to enjoy anything, is so intense. I am mad at GOD for not giving jason another chance. He brought him through all the other o.d.s what's one more?. So I am still arguing with GOD. Ultimate sin. I know. But anger will do that. I'm angry because no one in my circle can relate to my pain. I have heard a comment that I should get over it already. Its been a year. Still trying to get over that one! So here comes the holidays. Must overcome for the sake of family, friends, and the living. Its hard to do when I feel dead inside. Thankful for this site. It lets all of us to speak out when no one else wants to hear our pain.

Aug 16, 2013
thanks
by: chism's mom

Thank you Doreen this website and parents that have walked this path has been the most helpful

Aug 16, 2013
jason was 23 when he died
by: Doreen U.K.

Karen now that you have the toxology report you will be in shock for some time trying to process what your son did. Even if your son died of a severe overdose which appears to be suicide only God can read your sons heart and intentions. The report may decide suicide but not the intentions of the person being your son. His mindset could have been so upset that he was not in his correct senses to know fully what he was doing. If he intentionally wanted to die only God will know this. For now suspend judgement on your son. Don't share any information with other family members. No one needs to know the toxology report. Only you. When my nephew threw himself in front of an express train 7 years ago the report was so horrendous that my sister said she could not share this report with anyone else. It was so traumatic. It taught me YES! We can all withhold information from those people who don't need to know and who would use the information in a negative way and so add to one's grief. Your spirit should be lifted and encourage you with Hope so you can go on living with some Peace in time. As parents we will always grieve a wrong lifestyle by our children, but sadly we can bring them up right but the influences out there and peer pressure cause the young mindset to go with the crown. Sadly many young people don't have the MATURITY to make different choices especially if they suffer from low self esteem. They would think that the drugs can make them secure and powerful and have control over their lives and yet it does the opposite. Give yourself a break and take your focus off suicide and see God as Knowing the truth and not the toxology report. Be at peace and may you be comforted in your grief and loss of your son.

Aug 15, 2013
toxigology
by: chism's mom

Its been almost a year since my son's death and I am finally getting the results back. The numbers don't lie. My son crossed the line of accidental to intentional. Investigation advised equlivant of 15 methadone pills 20 Xanax. A pound of marijuana and a 5th of liquor in his blood and urine. Omg! He was tired of the fight. He committed suicide! The over riding quilt that I feel is un explainable. I feel like I have cement in my vanes instead of blood. My heart is so heavy. What hurts the most family and friends act as if he never was. How so do i go on with my life now, its so hard to function.

May 01, 2013
I know we have had our differences
by: Merlin

So sorry to hear about Jason. I had not seen him since he was very young. I will always remember him as a fun living little boy. I know this hurts to you core, no parent should ever have to suffer the pain of saying good bye to there child.You did not fail him in anyway. All a parent can do is prepare their child for life they can not control there choices. From all I saw you where a great mom.

Dec 28, 2012
a present
by: chism's mom

Chism left a Christmas present for me
Its so hard going through the day without your child, but try dealing with the first birthday and Christmas without them in the same week. Its hard to breath sometimes let alone move, work, eat, and sleep. During a sleepless night I was checking out my son's Facebook page, I found a little prank video he had recorded of his friends. He wasn't in it, but his laughter was. My present wasn't under a tree wrapped real pretty, it was hidden on Facebook. At least once a month since he was taken I come across a gift from him. Thank you, "chiz" keep them coming.
Momma loves you,

Nov 19, 2012
visit
by: chism's mom

I am on my way to my son's grave.... but his time it feels different. Its suppose to get easier. It gets harder. I love him so much it hurts.

Nov 10, 2012
Sorry
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry. I pray in Jesus name you can forgive yourself. You will never stop missing him, but you can't begin to heal until you forgive yourself, please do and try to live. I am grieving severely, my Mom died two months ago, she was healthy, young, vibrant...heart attack. Let's try to heal together!

Oct 15, 2012
Don't Beat Yourself Up
by: Mark Haynes

Karen,

You did your best. You tried. No one, not even you, can ask any more of you than that. Your love for your son comes through very clearly. He knows you loved him. He knows you still you love. He will have a hug waiting for you when that time comes. Grief is hard. And you'll always ache for Jason. But you must forgive yourself before your healing can really start. I am praying for you. I heartily suggest a grief support group, or one-on-one grief counseling. I've used both to help myself get through my own grief. I wish you God's blessings, and peace.

Oct 07, 2012
jason was 23 when he died
by: Doreen U.K.

Karen You didn't Fail your son. You made a promise and you did fulfull this in GETTING CLEAN. If you did not keep the other promises it could be simply that Life happens and so much may have interfered with your best intentions.
To FAIL is to DO NOTHING. YOU DID SOMETHING. It just didn't work out how you planned.
You say the CHURCH raised your son. This is the BEST I can think of. If you said THE STREETS raised him then this is a different story. Jason was young but he still was a victim of his own
CHOICE'S he made.
In the Bible King David had the best of intentions. He FAILED his children as he was busy being the KING. He raised his childen but was neglectfull in areas that he had to live with the pain of forever. David sinned with Bathsheba, he covered his sin. He planned Bathsheba's husband Uriah's death by sending him off to battle and putting him in the front line. But David had a character that defined him as a man after God's own heart. But God said the sword would never depart from his house. Hence his children down the generations suffered. As the Bible says this suffering is unto the third and fourth generation. This is why when we can't understand why some people suffer when they believe in God or Jesus, it is just this. WE go on suffering the CONSEQUENCES of OUR SIN for generations. Even if we repent. The consequences of the CHOICES and DECISION we make we will live with the aftermath for a lifetime. Knowing this should remove the GUILT we suffer usually when we are GRIEVING.

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