Jean

My son died in a road traffic accident, which may have been because he had been drinking, 3 weeks ago today. I remember the police standing in my doorway and knew immediately what they were going to tell me. He was a really good boy, never would he have normally got behind the wheel of a car when over the limit. He had tried to phone me and my younger son that night about half an hour before his death. He had also tried to get in to his friends house but hadn't knocked the door so as not to wake his parents. I still cannot believe it has happened and am carrying on as if he is just away somewhere. I am scared this will hit me with full force in the months to come but at the moment need to stay strong for his brother. Nothing will ever change the outcome. I feel so guilty that I didn't hear his phone call and wasn't there when he needed me. I have lived my whole life for my children but failed him when he needed me most. I wonder when this will finally hit me as I know at the moment I am in denial.

Comments for Jean

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Sep 28, 2014
Jean, I need your help!
by: Jennie

I am so very sorry for your loss, my condolences. For better access to advice and support, please click on "The Grief Club" button on the left for access to the new Forum. We want to keep this great online grief resource going and need your help! Please re-post this or put a new submission there. All your friends are waiting...
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Hi Pat from Green Bay, and Anonymous MI:

Could you please contact me via "Contact Us" button to the left? I need your help for the transition. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Sep 18, 2014
Your loss
by: Kate

Somehow many came here pouring out their loss too,that's what happens we are all in this together and we are all trying to find why and there is no answer ! I too couldn't help my children grieve because I was lost. I am some better but I'm not ok. Jean you just have to go through the pain and heartache of it. We can't escape it. I just laid in bed I felt like I died too. It takes a lot of time tears anger guilt and painful feelings that smash at you when the shock of death comes and it's your child. Don't give up on yourself.

Sep 15, 2014
I lost my son 8 weeks ago
by: Anonymous

Dear Mom
I am so sorry for your loss of your young 17yrs. old son 8 weeks ago to a tragic accident that claimed his life. This is the worst experience of a mom's life. Our children are what we live for in building a life and family. You may benefit from seeing a grief counsellor which is normal when one loses a child/adult child. The support will help you at this difficult time whilst you are also trying to be there for your other children.
Your son would have been happy with this skateboard not for one moment thinking that this gift would end his life. As a mom it is the most painful moment rearing our children whilst worrying about their safety and hoping they will live to grow up and enjoy the rest of their life building it up how they want and strive for.
If you are a Praying mother, all you can do is to pray every day for their safety and protection in a difficult world where growing up has many challenges. I have to pray for God's protection over my 3 Adult children all the time as one doesn't know when we need this protection and guidance.
Crying is the largest part of grief and will get less over time. You are a broken hearted mother and will receive open arms of comfort from every mother who fears the loss of a child and who are also struggling each day with their own grief and loss of their child. Run into the arms of God for His Comfort and strength to go on each day. May God be with you and Comfort you with His strength and Peace.

Sep 14, 2014
Pain
by: Kate

This is for you and to others who posted on here about losing their child recently. Horrible. That's the word for having to endure this. I do not know how each one of us can bear it. It tears the heart apart and you are left with a damaged heart forever. We go on but it is not the same,never will be,never can be. Somehow we endure this horrible pain. Love to all.

Sep 12, 2014
Your son
by: Kate

Dear one, yes you are in shock. My son died 22 months ago and I could not absorb it. It is too overwhelming to accept so little by little we feel the pain,sorrow,anger,guilt,so many emotions come to us and we go up and down through this hard journey of grief. It is horrible to loose our child. Take one day at a time. Tell yourself I will survive. I don't know how but I will. Don't hide your pain speak about it. It will help you . We want to run from it but we can't. On here you have mothers and fathers who understand and care. My heart is with you.

Sep 12, 2014
I lost my son 8 weeks ago
by: Mom

I just cannot function since my son died, he was 17 years old, my oldest, my friend, my confidant, he was a good good boy, never gave me one moment of trouble. A friend gave him a skateboard , he fell and hit his head and that was it. He died, Just like that. I have been crying everyday for 8 weeks, unable to function, trying to help my other kids but it is so hard. All I do is sleep and cry. Nothing is helping me. I am so sad, misery. God help me.

Sep 12, 2014
Please Don't Blame Yourself...
by: Vickie

Jean, I am so sorry for your son's passing. I do understand as my son also passed 3 years ago. Yes, I believe you are in denial and probably will be for a while. It took me a long time to "accept." We love so deeply, so unconditionally and like you said would do anything for our children. Denial just seems easier... but eventually we need to accept. I'm stilll working through that. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, DO NOT blame yourself. I've since learned it's "normal" for parents to blame themselves when losing a child, so please know, even though you feel the guilt, it is NOT your fault. We have no control over things that "just are." I use to say over and over, "what if I did this, what if I did that." You can literally drive yourself crazy with the "what ifs." There really is no "what ifs," only "WHAT IS." I hope this doesn't sound insensitive but maybe you weren't meant to hear his phone call. From what you said, his brother also did not get his call. There must be a reason for that. I've asked myself for 3 years, why, why, why! I don't think it's meant for us to know right now, but when it's our time, I think we will be enlightened. I like to think my son is just in the next room...it's just a room that we are not yet allowed to enter. I pray that God, or your higher power comforts you and your family until you can once again be reunited with your precious son.

Sep 12, 2014
I lost my son also
by: Anonymous

My son tragically took his own life two weeks ago. Most of the time I am still in shock. Still waiting to get a text from him. Life is devastating for the survivors of suicide.
I wish you peace.

Sep 12, 2014
Jean
by: Doreen UK

Jean it is common to be in denial and also to be stuck in grief due to feeling numb. Losing a close loved one or child/adult child to a sudden death is hard to process and almost always needs some support from a grief counsellor to help the family to move beyond the raw grief.
You will undoubtedly feel your grief in stages rather like a slow release of crying and pain which will change from day to day. You will have good days and bad days. If you make yourself so strong for those around you it may make your grief delayed and prolonged and more painful to deal with. Just let your grief come. Crying being a healthy grief.
A mother will always put the needs of her children uppermost and a priority. But you need to care for your own needs at this time to enable you to heal sufficiently to cope with grief which does assault one's body and make one weak.
I don't think you should blame yourself for not hearing your sons phone call or for not being available to him in his final hours of life. This is unreasonable to blame yourself for what you didn't know. If we were extra vigilant to everything around our child/adult child we would become paranoid and live with so much stress and fear, that life for you would become intolerable. We are here on this site to offer on going support should you need this, feel free to come back as often as you need this. I am sorry for your loss of an adult child.

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