Jim 08-08-53 - 11-01-11

by Janet
(Dallas, TX)

I attended my 4th grief session today. We were asked to bring two pictures of our spouse to show and talk about. I did not have any problems choosing the pictures that I wanted to take because I knew my husband loved to fish. He would rather have been fishing than doing any thing else. One I chose was a picture of him holding a 9 1/2 Bass that he caught from the bank at Lake Fork during Brandt Engineering's 1st fishing tournament. The second one was of him sitting at Jam Rocks in Corozal, Bellize C.A.
I found it very difficult to talk about him and it makes me sad and I cry when I do talk about him. I do not know why it is so hard to talk about the man I loved with all my heart and soul but it is. The only thing I can think of is that with me being a very private person that what we had is private and between Jim and I. We were inseperatable. We did everything together. We laughed together, we loved together, we played together, we were a couple together. we even cried together at times.
Life feels so empty without him. I know I have shed more tears in the last 4 months than I have in a life time. I know that I will shed even more during the following months.
He never thought he would live past the age of 53. He lost both of his parents by the time he was 13. His Dad died of a stroke at 53 and his Mom in a car accident less than 6 months later. Every day that he lived past the age of 53 he was very thankful for. He was 58 when he passed away. He was raised by his Uncle Bill and Aunt Dorothy, but he always said he felt like he never was really a part of the family. He had two half sisters and three half brothers. He was never really close to any of them. The only two he could really relate to were his brother Jerry and his sister Joyce. I think they were the two that he felt any kind of connection with besides his sister in law Cathy.
Maybe if I come here more often and talk about him the pain with ease and it will make it easier to talk about him to other people.
I love you Jim and I miss you so very much.

Comments for Jim 08-08-53 - 11-01-11

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Sep 17, 2012
Death of a Super Man
by: Tanya

Dear Janet,
I have been coming and going with this site. Your Jimmy sounds a lot like mine. A good man and someone who loved his wife and family. To love like we did and suddently loose that love, connection, is very difficult. I don't know about you, but I can tell you that I don't sleep, physically hurt and cry a lot. I find myself wishing for one more moment or reliving things we both did. I have his pictures all around me and don't plan on taking them down. To me, that would be denying what a beautiful life we had. My only regret with Jimmy is that I did not get more time with him.
It has been a little over 10 months since I lost my Jim. He too would say that he would never live long. Cancer runs in his family and he passed away at 47 with lung cancer. The cancer was quick and aggressive. By the time we discovered it, it has spread to his bones and a tumor on his brain. He died within 5 months. Like you too, we did everything together: eat, watch movies, go to the gym, vacations, you name it. God how I miss those days.

Like so many others, I get up and go. Not sure where I am going or what will happen. I believe that he is with me-sometimes I smell him or feel him. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but the reality is that I can't. If I had a nickel for everytime someone said "you will get better or use to it," I would be rich. The reality is that we are not sick and we will never get use to it. However, we must accept it, if we are going to go on. Like so many that have lost, I pray that I will be reunited with my Jimmy again. Before he passed, he told me to not be bitter and I try.
Since loosing Jimmy, I have become friends with two ladies at my job and they have been a good source of support. I hope that you have friends there for you or perhaps volunteer. I have just signed up to volunteer at our local no kill shelter. I decided to volunteer at the animal shelter because they need all the help they can get and that is where I adopted a kitten, whose name is Kal-El. I named him in honor of my husband. Jimmy was a big comic book fan and his favorite super hero was Superman (Bigblue). Kal-El is a love bug who greets me at the door everyday. He follows me around and is great company for me. He helps me to deal with my loss. The house was so empty without Jimmy and the dogs. We (my son and I) lost both dogs last year too in addition to Jimmy.
Your article touched me and I will leave you and anyone who reads this with something that was shared with me by someone who lost his wife and child at 25. He said to me "grief finds its place in your life. Give yourself time."
Not sure if my suggests would help or maybe my story will give you a little comfort, but I wanted to share.
Peace to you and all that have lost!

Mar 12, 2012
Power of Prayer
by: Anonymous

I do not know your fairth preference, but I can tell you one thing. A conversation with God always lifts my spirits. He listens to our story and heals our saddened hearts with His love and unconditional love, at that. Sharing your day to day memories and thoughts will help ease the pressure of the grief.. I know your pain. I lost my daughter last year. The power of prayer is amazing and my faith has brought me out of the depth of numbing pain and back to the living.

Rose L.

Mar 12, 2012
Precious Life
by: TrishJ

I can tell you with my experience (I lost my beloved husband 15 months ago) it took time to be able to talk about him. My friend kept gently coaxing me into making a pictorial dvd for our children. For 9 months I kept telling her, "I'm not able to even look at the pictures. I don't know when I'll be ready." Finally after 10 months I got out a box of pictures. I was only able to look for about 1/2 hour but at least I was making progress. The dvd has been made. I take it out and realize what a beautiful full life my husband had.
I miss him every day. I was told by a grief counselor that it was best to put all pictures of him away. That was the worst advise I've received so far. I have a picture of him on my night stand. I say good morning and good night every day to him. He will always be part of my life. He will always be my husband.
Take things slowly. Your grief is still so fresh. Mine actually is too. I foolishly thought that the one year anniversary of his death would bring me much needed relief. That didn't happen. I do see slow and steady progress though. It's hard work. I think we should all look at each day life as a precious gift.
One day at a time. Be kind to yourself.
God bless.

Mar 12, 2012
For Jim 08-08-53 - 22-01-11
by: Pat J.

Dear Janet,
Talk about Jim, keep his memory alive. I lost my spouse on June 27,2011; the day after our 46th wedding anniversary. I talk about him to everyone. He was in my life since I was 15. Married him at the age of 18. I became a widow at 64.
We did everything together also. We have 5 adult children and 8 grandchildren and 2 step-grandchildren; yet at times I still feel so alone.
I joined a grief support group through our church and I have formed a friendship with three other widows. We do things together to fill the void in our life; but we would sure rather be sitting just at home with our husbands. Life will never be the same for us. The ache in our heart for them will never go away. They were a big part of our life and all we have left is their memory. Cherish that memory, no one can ever take that away from us.
I miss Red(his nickname)just as much today as the day he died. I am beginnin to feel that we miss them more as time goes by. Just thinking about not hearing his voice or feeling his touch, still brings tears to my eyes after 8 1/2 months.
My faith and my belief he is in just another place waiting for me, helps me get through this time in my life. It is not an easy journey, but we are all stro ng woman or our God is carrying us to help us get through. I feel our bodies go into a survivor mode and we just do what must be done.
People say time heals and we will get better; I don't really believe that. I feel we just learn to accept their death, accept they are gone and not coming back to us and we have to go with life; they would want us to enjoy life. Life is way too short for many of us.
Right now you are still in the very early stages of your grief. Part of us died with them. Grieve for as long as you need. There isn't a time limit on our grief. One of my favorite comments is "I am faking it until I can make it". I really hope one day to be able to say and feel in my heart that I am making it.
My husband was a mechanic and now I have to deal with that myself. My cars Service engine light stays on; so I have to go to car mechanic elsewhere, because my mechanic is no longer here. Life does suck at times, but we have to make the most of what our life holds for us. We don't know when our God will call us home. Our life will never be the same and we have to learn to live a new life. I am finding out life isn't easy, but who ever said life was easy?
God bless you and take it one day at a time, sometimes ome moment at a time.

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