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John, Grandma, Gloria, Dad

by Julie
(TX)

John Chinni August 2004
Phyllis McIntyre Sept. 2006
Gloria Chinni April 2, 2008
Ronald McIntyre April 19,2008

John Chinni- The father that I never had but always wanted. The most Godly, loving man that I have ever met. I could not have asked for a better father-in-law. 4 years later, I still sometimes cry like it was yesterday.

Phyllis McIntyre- My grandmother. She loved her grandchildren and couldn't get enough pictures of us and our children. When I was a child I would "shop" in her pantry for nail polish. She had every shade imaginable and loved to share with us.

Gloria Chinni- I never knew a mother-in-law could love her daughter-in-law like her own child. She really loved me and loved my children. Even as the dementia worsened she was always lucid for my sons. Even in her 80's and ailing, her death was hard. She had the worst brain hemorrhage any doctor in this area had ever seen. We were told she would live 24-48 hours and she lived for almost 3 weeks. We held our breaths waiting for her to pass. I don't think the brain hemorrhage actually killed her, I think we starved her to death.

Ronald McIntyre- My dad. He wasn't perfect, and the alcoholism made life difficult, but boy did I love him. He moved close to me so I could care for him as he aged. But he was only 66 when 2 aneurysms decided to take his life. I was the one called to the ER to watch him scream in pain and cuss out the nurses. My grief is so overwhelming that I haven't even begun to grieve Gloria. The guilt for that reason alone can bring me to my knees.

There is much anger with my sister during my dad's death that I haven't even begun to resolve. I don't know how to start it with her. I don't want to lose my sister and then have regrets when she dies. Life right now is so unbearable and I feel as though I am teetering on insanity.

Comments for
John, Grandma, Gloria, Dad

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Aug 19, 2008
 You are not alone
by: Anonymous

I know what you mean about insanity. In 16 months time I was told I have ALS (they say it is terminal) lost my dad, and my only son was killed in a car accident at 41 years old. He was my rock. I was an only child. When I feel like I can not go on, somehow I do. I don't always feel God's strength, nor his presence, but I know that's what is carrying me. My son left a wife, a 16 year old son and 17 year old daughter. She graduates this year. Her Dad will not be there because two young people decided to race down a freeway and hit my son. I too fight anger. The only answer I have is that anger will subside. The feelings of unfairness will never go away. Hang on to those you love.
Jul 18, 2008
 Thanks
by: Anonymous

Thank you Jennie, your words speak very closely to my heart.
Jul 17, 2008
 Hold on there...
by: Jennie

Dear Julie,

You certainly sound like you have had more than your share of tragedy in the last few years!

Trust me on this one... grief causes anger, just by the nature of the process. It is normal.

But hold your tongue with your sister. Please. She probably has her own reasons for her reactions, and you must remember that everyone grieves in their own way.

My father was a raging alcoholic, and I felt deprived of a normal childhood because of this. I wasn't outright abused, but I still suffer from a form of stress disorder due to my childhood situation. My sister grieved openly and warmly when my father died, and I did not. That was just my way. I even felt some degree of relief that that part of my life had been laid to rest. Now, 5 years later, I have forgiven myself. I am glad that my sister held her tongue and did not judge me for my own manner of grieving. We are close sisters to this day.

Don't lose any more of your precious family to these tragedies. Forgiveness sets you free. Life is short.

Hold on and hold fast, Julie. You will not "lose it", and you will have brighter days eventually. Hang in there.

Jennie

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