John, my husband of 24 yrs walked out of our house and never returned….
by Kathryn Knauer
Molly and John
On January 21, 2013, my husband of 24 yrs and at the age of 51 went for his usual 4 mile walk/run and never returned. He literally WALKED out of our lives forever, never to return! After several hours of searching with my youngest daughter, I decided to call the hospital to see if anyone fitting his description had been brought in. The nurse in the ER took my information and told me to "sit tight" and that she would send the police out to our house. I assumed they were going to take a missing persons report but when they arrived they unexpectedly spewed the words…your husband is dead. My 16 yr old daughter just screamed the words…NO, my mom can't handle this. She just can't handle this! At that moment our world as we knew it ceased to exist. We were just in total and complete shock. John died of a blood clot in his artery. He died in mid stride. I remember thinking that they made a mistake…but in my heart I knew it was true. They say your "new normal" begins but after 10 months, I'm not sure what my "new normal" is. There are days that I feel I can't go on. Just getting out of bed is a good day. I do it for my children. My 23 yr old daughter came to me one day and said " Mom I want to thank you" and I said "what for"…her response…"for getting out of bed every day. If it wasn't for you having the courage to do so, I'm not sure where I'd be right now". The water works just flowed.
We were on the cusps of exploring new horizons, new freedoms, and reigniting our relationship. My youngest was just shy of getting her license, how we couldn't wait for that day! He wasn't there to see her pass.
My grief is never ending. The tears flow constantly. My life feels so surreal and unbelievably awkward. My grief seems to keep me connected to my husband so I hang onto this grief as if it's my life line. I feel like a helium balloon bobbing around without that weight to hold me in place. My anchor is gone and I don't know how to manage without him; decision making, love making, date nights, laughing, talking together and so much more…We were literally best friends. All this was ripped out of my life in a brief moment on jan. 21, 2013. Memories flood my mind every day, things that John will never see or experience constantly cloud my mind. My oldest is expecting a baby boy (Austin John) Feb. 8, 2014 and is getting married next Nov. 1st. My youngest will graduate this May from high school and my son has grown into this amazing young man that I know his father would be so proud.
It's all so bitter sweet!! Life is so bitter sweet!
Peace to all,