"Johnny Boy" - the love of my life
Words of Sorrow
I lost my 22 year old son - John "Johnny Boy" - to an accidental drug overdose on 9/29/08. He was the light of my life and others. I had no idea he was even using drugs! John was a great student, athlete and friend to all he met. You just never think a tragedy like this will hit your family. His classmates have sent me numerous cards telling of his humor, ability to make others have fun and to find the bright side of every situation.
On Sunday, September 21st, I was on my way home from visiting my other two kids at College Station. My cell phone rang and John was calling me...so I thought. It was his roommate using John's phone to reach me. This was the call that changed everything in my life.
His roommate told me that John had just been taken to the ER unconscious. I changed my route home and headed to Fort Worth. This had to be the longest trip of my life. I contacted an ER nurse who confirmed he was still unconscious and told me to be safe - but that I needed to get there as soon as I could.
Three hours later I arrived to find my 22 year old son, unconscious and totally unresponsive. John was 6'5", curly blonde hair and always happy. To see him in this condition broke my heart. Over the next 8 days, John continued to go deeper into a coma. The doctor's confirmed he had significant brain and heart damage. We finally reached a point where we (and the doctors) realized he would never wake up.
On Monday, September 29th we made the most difficult decision that any parent had to make - we let John go and removed the life support. Within 1.5 hours he was gone. The image of John's struggle for his last breaths will never leave me.
For the last several weeks I think I have been in shock and just shut down emotionally. That has all changed in the last week. I can't stop crying. I don't want to go to bed and face the darkness where there is no place to hide from his death - then I don't want to get up and face another day. I have nearly an hour commute to work and I cry all the way there and all the way home and off and on throughout the day. I can't seem to focus on what I need to be accomplishing and am so relieved when the day is over so I don't have to keep up the facade of everything being ok.
The pain is unbearable and instead of getting better with time it is getting worse. I feel like everyone thinks I should be back to "normal" by now, and even my husband (John's stepdad) is puzzled at my tears.
I feel like I am nothing but a burden on others. I'm concerned to share my pain with my kids as I don't want to make it worse for them. I feel like I have no one to turn to. I have always been very social and enjoyed going to dinner with friends. I no longer want to even be around people. I just want to seek refuge in my home and never leave.
I thought I had a strong faith but going to church is even more painful. I am really angry with God! We had prayer warriors around the world praying for the miracle of John's recovery, but we didn't get the miracle. I prayed with everything in me,but John still died. I truly believe that God could have changed the outcome but chose not to! I may never know why.
I feel like it must be my fault-- this is my punishment for not being a good enough mom or good enough Christian. I feel like I really failed John and God and there must have been something I could have done that I didn't do.
Everything seems to remind me of John - teal Ford Rangers - cowboy hats - Dennis the Menace - garlic mashed potatoes (a Thanksgiving staple) and it goes on and on. Will it ever get better?