JT

I never knew this type of pain existed. From reading other posts on this site, I know no further explanation is necessary. My 24 year old son came home from work Friday afternoon, grabbed some clothes and rushed out the door saying he was going to visit a friend in a neighboring state and would be back early Sunday morning. About 4 hours later, three police officers were at my door informing my wife and me that my son had been in an auto accident and was killed on impact.
My wife and I are only about a week into the grieving process. I know that you can never recover from a catastrophic loss of this type – almost everything that means anything to you seems ruined. However, I also know you only have two choices: Let the grief destroy you, or find a way to rebuild by incorporating the grief into your everyday life.
Our situation is further complicated by the fact that our 26 year old son will be married in a few months, and my wife and I do not want our younger son’s death to diminish the happiness of our older son’s wedding – wishful thinking I guess.
I’m not one that usually reaches out, but I know most reading this have been in the exact same place my wife and I are now. I’m hoping that some of you who are farther down the road in dealing with this can share ways to cope.
Thanks you,
JT

Comments for JT

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Apr 12, 2012
Sorry for the loss of your son
by: Cathy

Hi JT, i lost my eldest son of massive heart attack, 6 months ago in the beginning life is really terrible and the pain unbearable, let it all out dont hold back, talk about him all the things he used to do it really helps but it will take some time , before when i just discovered this site i used to cry when i used to write about him but this site has helped me a lot, by listening to others and by telling about your child to them helps a lot. Never in my wildest dreams did i think that i would reach a site like this never heard of it before. All of us here have gone through the same pain and agony you are going through and it is a very painful journey, see if you can postpone your elder sons wedding a little till you become a little bit strong to manage things i am sure he will understand, he lost his brother too, talk it out with him and see how things turn out.God bless you and take care.

Feb 15, 2012
I lost my son two months ago
by: Anonymous

He was 20. He died in his sleep. When we found him, there was nothing that could be done. Screaming to wake him from this cold sleep, we did CPR, called 911, ambulance, to hospital. Then, we had to let him undergo the biopsy even though against our wishes. Now still awaiting toxicology results. He suffered from insomnia for years and was treated by a psychiatrist. We found so many varieties of pills afterwards that it feels like murder. I know there's a point where we (the survivors) try to find someone responsible and there's a lot of guilt that we have to live with. Just didn't see it coming. Sure, the sleeplessness was visibly worse. We trusted he was getting proper care but now doubt it. His life started falling apart within (2) months of starting therapy and that's what bothers us. He was happy and so bright, extremely ambitious, popular, good looking. Two years later, lost most of it. Now we are tracing the slow and steady decline as we trace the trail of prescriptions that changed and added on every monthly visit with his psychiatrist. It was not a suicide by the appearance of it. Likely O.D. or mixed the wrong things together. Just the evening before he was happy. We spend the evening as a family - had a celebration. He laughed, played with us, did not hold anything back during that time. We all went to sleep. He never woke up.
Ah, the pain. It is worse now then during the first week and it does not ease. It drills in the heart and in my thoughts. I am doubting in my faith. I have not been to work all this time. I've been sick with sinusitis twice. I lost weight. I just pray, for him and for us. Where is he? Is he in heaven? What if not...?

Jan 28, 2012
Loss of your son
by: Julie

I am so sorry for your loss. I was where you are less than three months ago. On November 9, 2011, my 21 year old son was killed in a motorcycle accident. I was traveling on business and learned of his death by telephone in the early morning hours on the 10th. The first few weeks were hell. The pain was overwhelming. My heart literally hurt. It felt like a bowling ball had been inserted into my chest and, at the same time, like there was a giant hole there. I wanted to die and join my son. My husband sounds like you. He was the strong one--the one I leaned on to get through the first bit. As the weeks passed, my husbands' grief began to surface more and more. I would suggest that you allow yourself to grieve. Find an acceptable outlet where you can express your grief. The pain will not be denied and will continue to bubble up unless you release the pressure. Thanksgiving was merciless. Christmas was agonizing. Celebrations seemed so pointless. I sympathize about you and your wife facing a wedding--a celebration about the start of a life for your older son--when you are still grieving the loss of life of your younger son. That said, the pain will get better and you have two sons. Your younger son would not want you to fail to enjoy the wedding of your older son because of your grief. I believe our loved ones who have passed are aware of our existence. I believe your younger son will be watching his older brother get married and will be rejoicing for his brother. Talk to your son. He has not left you. He loves you. He is ok but will be sad if his passing causes his family extreme grief.

Jan 28, 2012
sad grandma
by: Anonymous

My grief is not quite the same as the loss of a loved one through death but I am dealing with an immense grief at my daughter withholding my only little granddaughters, ages 3 1/2 and 2 yrs. I am a retired professional and joyfully volunteered to care for the little ones afternoons between their parents' work schedules. My daughter is a kindergarten teacher and, unfortunately, is not quite mature at 32, though does well at her job. I've been keeping the children during the afternoons since they were born. My husband and I are retired professionals with the means to create a delightful learning environment for the children and while we have loved every day with them, they are not spoiled children. Just delightfully smart, love books and learning things, and cute little girls who are very compliant, always smiling, rarely a tear and both with great senses of humor springboarding on my husband and my happy personalities. I've seen my daughter growing intensely stressed and becoming intolerant and short tempered. About seven weeks ago she came to pick up the children, was on edge and snapped when I asked the youngest to pick up her little sippy cup from an area rug in the girls' playroom. She exploded in anger, attempted to initiate physical aggression until I left the room and then she grabbed both children, by this time screaming hysterically which I'd never seen, and yelled I'd never see them again. She left and refuses to allow the children to see me. No it's not a grief through death but is certainly a grief that has left me in despair. I miss the children badly and they are only 10 miles away. It is a horrible time in my life and I have no idea when or if I'll be able to hug them again. I went to my minister who is a counselor and he has given excellent advice. It doesn't take away the pain but it helps me understand I can work through it in time. I understand withholding grandchildren is fairly common; I never dreamed I'd be dealing with this. I love my grandchildren with all my heart and I ache to see them. Again I know it is not the tremendous grief of losing someone you love, I've been there and know that loss, but this is a very heavy grief nonetheless.

Jan 28, 2012
Life Can Be Good Again
by: Anonymous

Yes JT.......we are all suffering from tremendous loss on this site. I have been trying to rebuild my life for the past 13 months following the very unexpected death of my beloved husband.
Nothing is ever the same again. You are so new in this grief journey you are still in the shock phases. Your body and mind have been through a tremendous shock. Your heart and soul have been ripped from your chest.
Don't expect too much for the next 60 days. Take things only one day at a time. It does get better but often this is the calm before the real storm. Grief is a difficult journey. Everyone grieves in a different manner.
You will definitely feel your younger son's absence from the wedding day. He will be with you in spirit. He really will be. Look for the little signs around you that he is still with you. They are very subtle and you have to have an open mind. The sudden shock loss I think is the worst. You didn't get a chance to say goodbye. He knows how you feel. He knows you love him.
You will miss him every day for the rest of your life. The pain does ease to the point that we are able to deal with it, but it never fully goes away. He will live in your hearts always.
God bless

Jan 28, 2012
My son
by: Linda

My 23 year old son committed suicide last Sunday, now 7 days in I am in this no mans land. Trying not to do the what if`s, but it`s very hard. He had just graduated from uni and was due to start a full life,but he suffered from terrible depression. He had attempted 4 times before, and seemed this past few weeks to be happier than I have seen him in forever, but now I realise that was not a good sign, in fact the opposite. I did not know it was possible to still be able to walk around with a completely broken heart, Where do we go from here.

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