julie reynolds

by julie reynolds
(devon)

I lost my mum to ovarian cancer almost 7 weeks ago . I helped my dad look after my mum , my mum was such a fighter & a inspiration to many people & to all her family & friends who loved her so much , mum went through many different cancer treatments , until my mums oncologist said there was no more treatment for my mum it was absolutely awful news for us all , in august , my mum was in a hospice , mum asked us to take her home & we said we would do anything that my mum wanted, the drs told us that my mum had aprox days to weeks to live , they did say that it would be emotionally & physically draining , but i never realised what they meant until we actually went through it , they said we would have alot more input by the nurse, sadly this did not happen , she only really visited when she was telephoned & wasant really much help , we got lots of different advice from gps & the district nurses ,which became very confusing & we feel very let down by the lack of support, we recieved, in my mums last two weeks of her life, it was absolutely terrible what we witnessed as my mum went into a coma & did not eat or have fluids for almost two weeks . Now we are struggling to cope with ,all these horrible memories & loosing my mum to ovarian cancer , my mum & my best friend who i love so much & missing so much

Comments for julie reynolds

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Nov 14, 2013
Northamptonshire
by: Jim

HI Julie I hope your return to work went ok I found people understanding although it wasn't easy people didn't know what to say but it got better after a few days. I have two very good friends one who lost his wife 7 years ago and the other whom we used to go about with for many years. These are the people who helped me get through it. The first anniversary of Anns passing me and the children took red balloons to the crem and let them go red was Anns favourite colour All these things help you you get through the grieving process

Nov 10, 2013
jim
by: julie reynolds

hi jim, sorry for my late reply , yes your youngest daughters birthday , must have been difficult for you & your family , i hope it went ok? . yes last week was a very difficult week with my mums birthday & last tues was mum & dads wedding anniversary 53yrs , on my mums birthday i wrote to my & took it to the cemetery , which made me feel closer to mum , as in life we were so close , the councillor suggested to do it. im going back to work next week & i am hoping that will help , i know you said jim that you we t to work too, how did you find it jim? im hoping you have had not too bad of a week ! take care jim

Nov 03, 2013
Julie reynolds
by: Doreen UK

Hi Julie,
I abbreviated my story about what happened to my husband due to the lack of space here but it was much worse.
I didn't go into counselling since my husband died but I did it some years ago and I got the best counsellor who gave me back my life. I related better and resolved a lifetimes of losses all piled up. I felt liberated and free. It was the best experience of my life and I see it as an investment as it was expensive. I then gave back 8yrs. in voluntary work to the counselling centre. I know you and your Dad are doing the right thing. Talking things out with someone who is sensitive and understanding will help you and your dad to move forward better. Memories take time to come from the sub conscious to the conscious mind but a good counsellor can also use skills to help you deal with those memories. My counselling skills helped me mount this battle with our GP and Healthcare commission. I became stronger, focused and confronting and would not let the GP get away with his blunders. My husband's oncologist worked with patients who had shingles. My husband got shingles in his eye which turned black and blue and closed. Very painful and he suffered a lot. He got blood clots from the last Chemo and had to have daily injections in his abdomen. His care was full on and hard. My heart broke every time.
I have had some painful memories come back today and made me upset. But this happens every Saturday and Sunday as Steve died on a Saturday and the weekends are always bad. I cry almost every Saturday and wonder when this will stop. I don't have to think of anything. It is just there. One good thing is that when the memories come out we heal. I wish you and your father all the best in your counselling and in life. You will come through this and be stronger. Write back if you need to. Best wishes.

Nov 03, 2013
Northamptonshire
by: Jim

Hello Julie You said its your mums birthday today it was my youngest daughters yesterday she was 36 these are the sort of things that are difficult to deal with.I didn't mind your rant I had one last night talking to a friend whose wife passed away 8 years ago that was about my wifes treatment.I didn't see a councillor I still go to work which I think may have helped but I went through a period of feeling very angry, I went to the doctor and talked it through with him and he said if I felt that way again I could see a councillor. You will find that you and your dad Jim will go through that sort of thing its all part of grieving. Thinking of you both today.

Nov 02, 2013
doreen
by: julie reynolds

Hi Doreen, gosh you have really been through haven't you Doreen , really let down by the nhs , terrible my heart goes out to you, but so pleased you went to your mp , i feel people need to be made aware what is going on , i feel so strongly about this , as im sure you have done too with wbat you have had to deal with Doreen ! We experienced terrible problems big mistakes with our local hospital especially so when my mum stayed in the very last time for almost 3weeks ,we didn't leave mum on her own at all ,me and dad took in turns to stay with mum at night & some occasions we both stayed , it was a long list of mistakes & if we were not their i dont know what would have happened & i did make a complaint with the hospital . Did you go for councillin Doreen? Me & dad are going for councilling we went yesterday , ive got to work on getting the horrible memories & negative thoughts out of my head , gosh its hard work & its my mums birthday tomorrow too take care Doreen !

Nov 02, 2013
jim
by: julie reynolds

Hi jim, thankyou for sharing your wifes age with me , my mum was 71 , its my mums birthday tomorrow , which is going to be so difficult . Im sorry to hear you are on your own jim,, my dad is called jim too ! But good that you do have family for support around ! My mum was similar to your wife , where diagnosis was too late & then due to delay in treatments etc no operation was possible to remove the tumor, something needs to be done to speed up the processes of diagnosis & treatments of ovarian cancer & theirs just not enough awareness , even though it is supposed to be one of the worst ones , it makes me angry because so many of these wonderful ladies would still be here now, im sorry for my rant jim , but it makes me angry as i. Sure you must feel the same ! me and dad we t for counseling yesterday , have you been to counseling jim? take care !

Oct 31, 2013
Northamptonshire
by: Jim

Hello Julie I don't mind you asking how old Ann was she was 65 she had been going to the doctors for many years feeling unwell and it wasn't until her doctor was on holiday and she saw another doctor who did tests that they eventually found what was wrong. The diagnosis took many months and we all feel if only Ann had seen this other doctor she would have had more of a chance.I have 2 daughters and a son but they have there own families and I am on my own. All I can say is it does get easier in time but you are at the early stage just be there for each other and take one day at a time.

Oct 31, 2013
Julie Reynolds
by: Doreen UK

Hi Julie, My post exceeded the maximum characters so had to end abruptly.
My husband had Encephalitis in 2005. A disease that affects the brain and can cause one to go into a coma for up to 6 weeks and one is left with residual disability with memory loss. The neurologist asked my husband why he took so long to get treatment. This triggered off a rage in Me and I wrote to my MP and he contacted the Primary Care Trust and I then wrote back and forth to everyone including the 2 GP's who neglected my husband. Ignoring the weakness in his legs and he couldn't walk. Telling him to get out of bed and he didn't need to lie in bed. Then the ambulance turned up and the paramedic was rude and told my husband to get down the stairs on his bottom, thinking he was putting it on. When he collapsed she called for a chair and another ambulance and said to her colleagues this is a genuine case. My MP contacted the Ambulance service and this paramedic had to be supervised. Her behaviour was wrong and she had to be reprimanded. (can't go into the terrible detail due to space.) The Primary Care trust supported me and it then went to the top to the Healthcare Commission. A battle that caused me a breakdown. It was then our GP came to our home and took responsibility and apologised saying that mistakes were made. I told our GP all we want is better healthcare. I do have so many bad memories which also add to my grief when I think how my husband suffered. I have no regrets. I fought for my husband and I won for Him even if he died later on. Let your memories come. they will be painful. You will cry a lot. But crying is good grief and you will heal each day. May God be with you and comfort you in these distressful days ahead.

Oct 31, 2013
Julie Reynolds
by: Doreen UK

Hi Julie, Don't blame yourself for letting your mother down. You did everything that was possible to care for your mother. The system and the government changes let your mother down. Not You. There are no easy answers to coping with the terrible memories. I was carer to my husband for 3yrs.39 days and a very long time to suffer neglect. For the first 18 months when my husband had Chemotherapy and Radiotherapy we had no support. My husband felt abandoned. We were totally alone and had to find our own way through this cancer journey. But we did have the community nurses support which was good. But to sit with someone you love and watch them suffer and die a slow death has its own painful memories. If I did not have a strong Belief in God I wouldn't have coped so well. God was my strength in those difficult days. My family were amazed at the care I gave my husband. Lifting him and providing what he needed. But my deep love gave me the strength to do what I did naturally. Towards the last two weeks I was going to ask for support as I was running out of strength. One day the doorbell was going, the telephone, and me attending to my husband on the commode and he nearly fell off. That was the only time I felt so alone and wanted to cry and cry and cry and say "I can't do this by myself I need help." But you rise to a new day and do it all over again and the feelings I had the previous day became part of the cancer journey and HISTORY. It has only been 7 weeks for you and these are the worst days of your life. These memories of your experience unwind automatically and you can do nothing about this. You just have to let these thoughts and feelings express themselves till it gets less over time. For me I survived by taking ONE DAY AT A TIME. I learned here on this site. As difficult as it was in time I changed my FOCUS. I NURTURED myself by doing special things that gave me the will to go on living and feel good. I took to the settee for 6 months and did nothing but bathe my sorrow with T.V. and God T.V. and always heard a sermon of encouragement. Grief is a slow process and healing is slow. You just do what you have to do to make your day's better. What happened to your mother you can do nothing about. She is at peace and out of pain and suffering. We are the one's left holding the pain and have to find a way to cope with this. The pace is slow and you can do nothing to alter what feelings are triggered off from those last two weeks. I always feel if we felt the pain 24/7 our grief would kill us. We do get breaks in between the crying and anger.

Oct 31, 2013
jim
by: julie reynolds

Hello jim , im sorry to here your wife passed away from ovarian cancer , such a evil disease . I hope you dont mind me asking , how old was your wife? & you said you have 3 children too , how are you all coping now ? I know its early days for us , we are finding it very difficult at the moment . I thank you jim for sharing your very difficult story with me .

Oct 31, 2013
Doreen
by: julie reynoldsAnonymous

Hello Doreen , im so sorry to hear what you went through with your husbands cancer , its dreadful what people have to go through & i can tell you that it is a issue in & out of parliment , with the lack of support given to carers looking after loved ones with cancer at home & sadly its something that none of us know about until we have been through it , one of the district nurses said to me , that they had mever seen anything like how my mum was before she passed away , so they didnt know how to advice us on what to do it was terrible, we had previously had bad experinces with a care agency & a marie curie nurse , it really put my mum off having outside carers in , so we did it ourselfs , but it was so difficult to deal with the last 2 weeks , i was so upset , but the nurse was very little help , & i feel i let .my mum down with the lack of support we recieved , how did you cope with all the bad memories Doreen? i thank you for contacting me & telling me your story ! Take care

Oct 30, 2013
julie reynolds
by: Doreen UK

Julie I am sorry for your loss of your mother. You live in a lovely part of the UK. My story is similar to yours. My husband was diagnosed with a terminal lung cancer caused by working with Asbestos. The Oncologist asked us what support we had. My husband said NONE. I have been abandoned. The Dr. Jumped out of his seat. Went next door and got the Macmillan nurse to practically get her fingers out and do her job. My husband had such a horrendous cancer journey for over 3yrs. Neglect. The Macmillan nurse said she would see my husband in 2 weeks which turned into two months. The Community care nurses were the only ones who cared enough to turn up on time and give good care. Some times I didn't know what to do. I told my community nurse I was going to complain to our MP. She told me she would have a word with her and then she started to do her job. I think most of the problem lies with lack of resources. My husband was in severe pain and I was screaming down the phone for pain medication and it took the nurse 3hours to finish clinic first. I phoned the out of hours Drs. and one GP was so angry at the lack of care he sent an email to our GP with disgust at the lack of care and told our GP to basically get his fingers out and do his job. My husband should have had the syringe driver put in for pain management but we were told if the Macmillan care can fund it then my husband could have it. this Dr. said this is outrageous. One doctor came out and said that what was happening to my husband was not right. I was angry. then the Oncologist shook hands with my husband and sent him home to die. My husband was sad and in despair. My husband died 18 months ago and I am only just getting over these bad memories. I cried and cried for the way he was left in pain. I had to hold him he was in so much pain. I fought with the hospice nurse sent to our home on night duty. She failed to give my husband an injection and he said he was in pain all night. She denied it. Our medical services are failing us all the time. All proper care has now gone. I don't support cancer research because of the postcode lottery. If you live in the right area you may get cancer treatment, if not you have to fight for proper care. This adds to one's grief. I know what you are going through. You are not alone and there are many out in the world who can tell the same story. I have other painful memories of my husband being let down. I am happy he is out of pain now, but I miss him terribly. I hope my story gives you comfort you are not alone. But you will be unhappy about your mother's lack of care for a long time before healing takes place.

Oct 30, 2013
Northamptonshire
by: Jim

Hi Julie I am sorry for the loss of your mum ovarian cancer is a terrible illness my wife died 2 years ago with the same What you said is exactly the same things we went through. My wife Ann went into a hospice after months of operations and treatments I slept at the hospice in a bed next to her for 3 weeks the last 2 weeks were a nightmare watching her. She was a mum to 3 children and I know what you are all going through. At least your mum is at piece now and free from pain Look after your dad as im sure you will as he will look after you It is early days for you and I wish you all well.

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