by Julie
(Clemmons, NC)

My beloved son

My beloved son

My 21 year old son, Adam, lost control of his motorcycle at 10:56 pm on November 9, 2011 and was pronounced dead at 11:58 pm. I was not with him. I was traveling for work and learned of his death by phone shortly after midnight. I saw that I had missed several calls from my husband and my daughter, but I was unable to get either of them on the phone so I called Adam's fiance. I remember her telling me that Adam had had an accident and that he did not make it. I had to call the airlines and arrange for a flight home. That flight is one of my worst memories. I remember boarding the first plane crying. The flight attendant asked me what was wrong and I told her my son had just died. That woman, whose name I do not recall, got on her knees in the aisle and prayed for strength for me to make the journey home and peace for my family. That was one of the most compassionate acts I have ever witnessed.

Adam was my heart. He was kind, full of life, fun, loving. He was celebrating because his girlfriend, the love of his young life, had just agreed to marry him. We were going to celebrate that weekend. Instead we had to deal with his death.

The pain of losing Adam is overwhelming. It is physical. My body hurts. My heart hurts. Everyone wants me to "get over it". There is no "getting over it." I may get used to the reality of his death; I may learn how to put on a smiling face; I will learn how to function again because I must-but I will never "get over it."

I would love to quit everything. I would love to lay down to sleep and not wake up--but life will not be that easy for me. I am learning to live life moment by moment so as not to be overwhelmed by the enormity of the realization that I will likely live more years without Adam than I did with him. I get some peace from looking at his pictures. I talk to him. I take medication and I pray.

Comments for Julie

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Feb 06, 2012
by: Anomalies

I believe your Justin has not left you. He is with you always. This is not the path he wanted, but I believe he is ok. I believe this about Adam, too. My daughter has dreamed about her brother. So has my husband. I have not or if I have, I don't remember. I talk to him. I think he hears me. Things have happened My laptop froze on a picture of his face. That computer never worked again Our upstairs TV wouldn't turn on so we had to go watch TV in Adam's room. I woke one morning thinking I was holding my husband's hand only to find no one was there. I believe I was holding Adam's hand that night. Adam's step brother took a shower in Adam's bathroom, and a heart appeared in the steam on the glass shower door. I believe he is with us just as I believe your Justin is with you.

Feb 06, 2012
Grieving Mother
by: Lisa

My Son's name was Justin...

I see where you have asked about dreams..My daughter is the only one that has had dreams of her brother...All of them she realizes he is gone and tells him how much she loves and misses him and he replies "I know and it is ok"...I am on sleeping medication so I never dream or remember them anyway. I ask God all the time to let me see him or give me a sign that he is ok..We have had things happen where things have been moved. I also had stuff fall off my Christmas tree this year, all thing that were related to Justin. Those type of things give me a little peace that he is still here.

I pray that God gives us the strength to survive this.

Feb 05, 2012
by: Julie

Your son died a month before mine. They were both 21. They both died in accidents. I also have a 24 year old daughter and a loving husband. And everyday the pain of losing Adam is debilitating. You are not alone. What is your son's name?

Feb 03, 2012
Grieving Mother
by: Lisa


I too lost my Son on October 8th 2011 due to a 4-wheeler accident. He was celebrating his 21st Birthday...I was able to make it to the accident while the paramedics were still there with him..That vision of his body will forever be etched in my mind..As a Mother I felt so helpless.

I have a 24 year daughter and a husband that I love very much but like you I have prayed to fall asleep and not wake up..As much as I love them I want to see my Son again too..

I did not realize until this happened to me how many people out there are living with the same grief we are....I question why.

He was my life and I miss him so much...

My thoughts and prayers are with you..

Jan 27, 2012
There are no rules to grief...
by: Anonymous

My son died in an auto accident 8 years ago, almost to the day. I am still grieving and think that I will always grieve. I live a normal life. Most would not know that I have a burning ache within...this is not to say that I don't cherish life, and live a full life. Personally, the date of his birth and the date of his death are the two hardest times of the year. I think of him daily, in one respect or another, but during the two dates of major importance, I find myself reliving the shock and feeling the loss more than ever. You can live a normal and happy life. You may not think so now, you it can happen. He died almost instantly. There was no goodbye. I can say, that there are no regrets to my relationship with him. I know that he knew that I loved him and vice versa. I found that writing in a journal helped me so much. I started right after he died. I needed an outlet to express. I also went to a grief group for a while. I had/have a very supportive family. I could go on and on....please remember you are not alone. I always try to remember how blessed I was to have him for 24 years, but always think about what he would be like "today" if he were still here. I think that is normal. Bless you, and your family.

Jan 19, 2012
by: Julie

I deeply appreciate the comments. The compassion helps me to ride the tides of emotion. I talk to my son. Does anyone else talk to their lost children? Up to now, Adam has not talked back--which is probably a good thing because if I started hearing voices from dead people, I would probably find myself committed. I would dearly love to hear his voice again telling me "I love you Mommy." Adam was the only one who ever called me Mommy. I miss hearing his voice a lot. I have not dreamed of him. My husband has--it was a very realistic dream with Adam talking to him, telling him he was great, that he could go anywhere he wanted. I would love to have such a dream. Has anyone had such a dream? I'd love to hear the details. Thanks again.

Jan 17, 2012
I know your pain
by: Cindy

Julie, I am so sorry to hear about your beautiful son. I lost my son almost 9 months ago and the pain is still so severe and raw as the day it happened. I don't know who told you to get over it but who ever said that to you needs to be put out of your life. You cannot have people around you who would say such a cruel thing. The fact is, you will never get over the loss of your son, he was a part of you. I cry everyday for my son, he was and still is a wonderful loving person. I will miss him every moment for the rest of my life. I often try to imagine how I am going to survive life without him here. I also sometimes just want to fade away forever. But, you need to go on and make your son proud. You just have to take it one minute at a time and when you have a moment where you feel you cannot go on you need to cry or scream or whatever it takes to get you through that awful moment and then take a breath and say okay I just got through this awful moment, I will have to get through each and every one of them. It will come on like waves, you just have to get through them one at a time. I hope you have a good support system, you will find that you will want to push people away at times and that is okay if they are truly your friends they will be there for you when you are ready to talk again. People are going to say really stupid things to you without thinking, try not to get upset with them but let them know that what they said was upsetting to you and if they continue to say stupid things then you need to release them from your life and move on. we are on a very long and painful journey. People can try to help us along the way but we really have to get through this on our own with our own strength. Take care of yourself.
I pray that you keep strong and keep moving forward. You will need to evolve into a new way of life. Someday we will be able to smile again.

Jan 17, 2012
I'm so sorry
by: Jen

I am so sorry for your loss...what a beautiful son. I lost my 23yr old son October 25, 2011 I feel exactly the way you do...the pain is physical and my heart hurts so much :(. I wasn't able to cry much but now I spend a lot of days unable to stop crying. I still can't believe he's gone...I'm devastated and heartbroken! I know that I will never get over it - I also know that I have to figure out how to live my life without him...he was my best friend. You are a strong woman for sharing your story this is the worst kind of loss in my opinion....sudden and un-natural - no parent should bury their child. I am trying to focus on the greater cause.....I believe there has to be some purpose to serve in this life as a result of losing my son. I am trying to allow myself to grieve and move forward to find out what that purpose is. I will be praying for you and hope that you find peace. Thank you again for sharing your story it helps me so much to hear others.

Jan 17, 2012
Feel Your Grief Julie
by: Pat J.

My heart and my prayers go out to you. I do not feel the grief of losing a child. I pray to God that I never do; but our lives are in God's hands.
At the age of 29, married with 5 children ages 8, 6, 5, 1 and 3 months, I lost my mom to breast cancer. She died the day before my 11th wedding anniversary. She was buried on my brothers 25th birthday. It is now 36 later and I still think of her, talk about her and miss her. In 2006, my husband and I found my dad sleeping peacefully in his recliner. He had died of a massive heart attack in his sleep. I had him so many more years than my mom, and we had become very close. It was such a loss for me.
My husband lost his dad in 1972, from cancer also. He lost a sister to breast cancer in 2000, in 2006 he lost a brother to cancer. His mom told us, she lost her husband, but the grief of losing a child is worse.
To the present. The day after our 46th wedding anniversary, my husband died of a massive heart attack, sitting on the side of our bed. It is a very peaceful death. I didn't even realize what had actually happened. I couldn't believe he was gone; still 6 months later, I have moments when I still cannot believe he is gone.
The ache in my heart will always be there. In the early days, I didn't want to go on myself. Those feelings have improved, but this ache in my heart and missing my husband never will. I am learning to go on without him. I don't really enjoy life right now. I pretty much, am faking it, until I can really make it. I know in time I will, but my life is forever changed.
Don't ever let anyone tell you to get over it. You will never get over it. We learn to live with our grief. Is it easy,NO WAY!
Take it one day at a time and keep coming to this site and reading other posts. I come to this site everyday. We all share the grief.

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