July 4th Weekend and Yet another holiday without My Love...

by Hope
(Tappahannock VA.)

July 4th is tomorrow...
Another Holiday to "celebrate"

Without My Love it is forced.

But My son expects it and I will keep My facade on for him.

I am bombarded with painful recent occasions without him.

1. His Birthday June 4th

2. June 6th 2010 6 months after his death (am I making progress?)

3. Fathers Day, Thankfully in FLA. distracted by the beauty. Sobbing when we hit the Keys wishing him there.

4. June 29th My 50th Birthday

I cannot actually celebrate jack shit without him, and I will not apologize for my language or spelling errors. I can paste a smile on my face for my son. I can still see the beauty around me and thank god for getting me though another day. But as the tears well I miss him and always will. My Cajun Love,

Look down on me and give me strength for without you I am but a shell of my former self. I have never faked anything yet I go on, the man of the house. A role I do not want. Is it you ringing the doorbell when no one is there? Telling me keep on trucking...I shall I will survive. I am weeping again the FLA reprieve from grief is over and here comes reality smacking me in the face reminding me of my loss.

My Love,

If I could touch you (one more time)

If we could eat a meal together (one more time)

If we could sit on the porch and chat (one more time)

If I could Kiss you (just one more time)

If we could just take one last shower together as we have for 17 years (just one more time)

My heart my head it aches with grief.... without you but I will go on (one more day)

Hope

Comments for July 4th Weekend and Yet another holiday without My Love...

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Jul 20, 2010
For Hope
by: Mari

My prayers are with you at this difficult time. May God bring you the comfort you need. I can say that with time you will let go of some of the sorrow and remember the good times. Time is a great healer.

Holidays and birthdays are the worst times I know. And grief is terrible to go through.
My husband passed away Nov 22 2009 and believe me I understand what you are going through. I wish I could feel his kiss on my cheek or hear him say, "You look beautiful sweetheart." I still sleep on my own side of the bed and still miss him calling me from work just to say, "I do love you, you know." I always tell my boss to put me on the schedule for holidays so I can be busy and not think so much about my husband. His birthday passed and he would have been 71 so I made sure I worked that day. All I want off are Wednesdays for church in the evening.

I also manage condos and have my own units plus everyone elses to be responsible for. I am thankful for the 2 jobs and an abundance of energy at age 65. It grieves my heart that my husband will not see the great grandbaby that is due in Dec. He adored the kids.

I am doing better I think. I sure miss him but have the love and support of family and church. My tenants bring me fruit and food and lavish love on me. It is a God thing.

God is with you too and you need his comfort. I too get angry thinking about my husband refusing to go to the doctor until I got really mad and said I was making an appointment. He said he would not keep it and I said, "But you will." I did get him in and he got medication but he had a heart attack early one morning. I work at the hospital and was told that my husband was in ER and I clocked out and went to be with him. He lived a week after that.

The love of my life said, "I love you so much", and went to sleep and passed away peacefully. My house was soon full of police and family. The police were absolutely wonderful to me, so comforting. They called everyone for me and held me as I cried. I emailed my 84 yr old mother and said, "Please come. I need you." In 10 minutes she was making plane reservations.

And so life goes. I rely on God, knowing I will see my husband again. For now, I am on my own dealing with things and holding down the 2 jobs. Not easy. But Jesus said He would always be with us. Please take care of yourself. Healing will come but it is a rather gradual process. We care. You have posted in the right place. God bless.

Jul 13, 2010
Hope,
by:

Your husband still loves you, always will, and you know this; and he is with you. There will always be days when it's harder than the others. You will feel angry, you will feel pain, you will feel hopeless, weak, regret, troubled, lonely, and all of the other things you wish you couldn't and didn't feel.

But I hope you realize that you can still feel love and happiness, knowing that he IS with you. Never regret the moments you lost, but remember the times that you shared. I'm not saying that it gets easier, or that the pain goes away completely; just to have a little faith that these words are true and he is never leaving your side and you are never truly alone.

I can't say I completely understand what you are going through, because I really don't know anything about losing a husband; but I know when I find love someday to cherish every moment and to only settle for a love so strong as yours, and others that I read about here; and that is because of the love you and other wives shared with their beloved husbands. So, I thank you for that in advance.

Please stay strong, your strength is inspiring, and I'm sure your family is very proud for every hurdle you accomplish. And I hope that you receive all of the strength and will power you ask for, just realize you already have a lot more than you give yourself credit for.

I will pray for you ma'am.

Jul 08, 2010
Just once more......
by: Anonymous

Grief sucks...... When Duane died April /09 I knew I wasn't grieving as much as I even expected....I kept very busy and constantly told everyone and myself I was doing as good as could be expected.....and I kept busy,,and busy,,,and busy.

Then it changed, our winter snowbird friends went home, my summer friends had their own lives and I was very much alone....I had been telling everyone I was ok....but now not so much......Faith that this will pass is what is keeping me going right now.....I would give anything to see his beautiful smile and touch his skin. Just One More Time.....but that would not be enough for me....

My whole life, I was able to figure out how to get what was really important to me, sometimes it took a lot of tries to come up with the answer but I never gave up easily. After more than a year I still expect him back at a very deep level...common sense knows better, but my heart believes he will be back......it aches to have him back. Please God take care of him for me until I can get there.

He was the center of my world and it is so hard to go on alone.

Jul 05, 2010
I know what you are going through
by: Helen F.

I lost my husband June 30, 2009, and to me it is if I lost him yesterday. I use to be able to say last year this time he was still alive, but I can?t say that anymore. We were married for 32 years. I didn?t believe that it was possible to miss a person as much as I miss my Ron. I guess only people that have lost a loved one will understand this empty feeling. I would also give anything if I could only hear his voice one more time, have dinner with him one more time, and see him walk through the door one more time. I thought things were supposed to get better as time goes on, why doesn?t it feel that? I am so scared of the future without him, I keep thinking that I am going to die alone, I will never be loved by someone as mush as he loved me. The holidays are the worst without him, I just dread the upcoming holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas and NewY ears.) I?d rather just sleep through it and hopefully when I wake up I will be with him in heaven.

Jul 04, 2010
To Judy
by: Hope

Judy,

When you see the fireworks clashing in the sky, people oohing and ahhing, think that heaven is but a bit further and that all the tendrils of flames and sparks that fall is him wanting you to be ok as they reach the ground. I will imagine this or something like this to keep the tears at bay. It may not work, memories may overwhelm. But my thanks and hope of strength to you. HH

Jul 04, 2010
God I know how you feel
by: Judy

Holidays are the worst times. We spent most of them alone together since we are so far from family and friends in FL. Now I dread their arrival instead of looking forward to them. I buried him on his birthday, after flying alone from FL to CA carrying his urn in my carry on bag.

I got through Christmas with my daughter coming to me but I barely remember any of it. I spent New Years Eve alone, crying. I got through Valentine's Day on memories and tears. I got through our wedding anniversary somehow. Now I'm in another long holiday weekend without him and with family and dear friends far away. I've been invited to colleague's home and I will go but in my mind I will see him there as he was last year with me. I miss him every day. Like you I would give anything for one more minute with him.

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