Just 2 months in

by Chris
(NY)


So I am in my "second monthaversary zone". My husband had a minor dental surgery on 1/20/2012 which caused him to be in a coma until he died on 1/24/2012.

My husband Mark (of 25 years, 27 together) was a healthy 48 yr old (I am 47). We are runners and just finished the Disney Marathons the week before. We have 3 wonderful children (24, 20 and 18) who ran with us. Some combination of us had been doing this the past 7 years. Our youngest child had just left for college so we were truly enjoying our empty nest and reconnecting. We were both professionals who had rewarding jobs and we enjoyed traveling and exploring new places. Mark had a routine oral surgery scheduled in a dr's office on 1/20. Through a series of unfortunate events that I'm not sure we will ever truly know, his tongue and throat swelled from the anesthesia and they were unable to intubate him in a timely manner. I was notified at work what had happened (I didn't even go w/ him - my son did) and when I reached the ER, it was all confusion. He was without oxygen for a period of time tho no one could say for how long. We had 3 days of waiting while they tried a cooling procedure for the brain. When they could finally do a cat scan, it revealed that there was no brain activity whatsoever.

I was completely devastated. This wasn't supposed to happen - we were so young, we had so many plans. I have this overwhelming sense of loneliness- it feels like a hole in my soul. This poem really explained it all:

"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good."
-- W H Auden

Sometimes it seems he died yesterday and other times it seems like he has been gone for years. I can't believe it's only been 2 months. My sense of time is all warped.

I thought I was doing better because a few weeks ago I was finally able to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time. I see progress then I take a huge step backwards.

It hurts that we weren't able to say goodbye.

My feelings are conflicted- I feel grateful that I was able to have 27 great years with him but feel cheated that we won't grow old together. I'm glad that the kids are older and in college so I do not have to make dinners or run them to activities or deal w/ school work But I am sad to come home to an empty house. I'm glad I have a huge support system of siblings and friends but I don't really feel like talking to anyone.

The one person I want to talk to most, I can't.

Chris

Comments for Just 2 months in

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Mar 26, 2012
i know what you are going through
by: liz prins

hi i am so sorry to hear, but yet feel a sense of someone else is going through exactly the same as me, i lost my husband very suddenly to 6th jan 2012 in USA a massive heart attack. we were on vacation at the time. we are from South Africa. i to have been married 25years together 27years i am 43 this year, got married at the age of 18. he was my soul mate, all your words you expressed is what i am going through. i have 3 daughters too, 25, 18 and 14years.i cannot sleep at all, i miss him so much.

Mar 25, 2012
7 MONTHS AGO
by: David

Hello, I read your comment, and my heart goes out to you all.
I lost my wife suddenly 7 months ago, and I have been getting through all of the "mechanical things" that need to be done, the financials, the clearing and all that stuff. But just the last few weeks, I can no longer pretend that I am ok. I am unable to sleep properly, and can hardly go to work. I know I have to keep pushing through this for the children and help them, but I just feel so sad, and sleep is not coming at the moment

Mar 23, 2012
Be Patient........
by: TrishJ

Chris~
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband 15 months ago.
You are still in the baby steps of the grief journey. We were both blessed to have wonderful men in our lives who "completed" us. I was so lost for the first year. I lost the sunshine in my life. The biggest thing I've had to overcome is the fear of moving on without my soul mate.
Take things just one day at a time. Don't think too far into the future. That can be overwhelming.
Our husbands really don't define the women we are. Our love for them (and our children) defines us. Nobody can take that love away. All though he's not here with you physically nobody can ever take your husband's love from you. Hold on to that. It's what keeps me going.
Your children are important but you do have to take care of you. I know the days are lonely. Somehow we do learn to adjust. I talk to Joe. There are days when I can actually feel him sitting next to me.
Blessings to you. I hope this day brings you something to smile about.

Mar 23, 2012
I'm also 2 months in...
by: Gail

Hi Chris,
My name is Gail. To begin with, I am so sorry to read about your loss and that we have a double edged sword together. I am amazed that I am in this rollar coaster of a ride but happy to have found this website and know that I am not alone going through this.
I, like you lost my daughter suddenly on January 14th. She was 21 and T-boned by a drunk driver.
I don't know if you read my post called "My Life Is Different Now".
That tells the story of my daughter, Jenna who was 21. Her birthday was Sunday, March 18th so now 22.
I am 52 and live in Colorado. Where do you live?
I found this site originally looking for a place where parents have lost adult children. Now, I tend to gravitate towards those who have recently been thrown into this bizzare nightmare that is still unbelievable.
I too have a strong support system. I cannot go back to work yet and need to wait a while. From being able to multi-task with ease and grace, to now just getting things done one at a time is a struggle. I don't know about you but I was in a fog for weeks. I am just beginning to care about things again. I live with my boyfriend Jake of 4 years. He has been my rock. I also have a son, Scott who is 26 and lives in Utah working on a big project there. Scott and Jenna were best friends.
I have lost several people in my life and I can only imagine what you must be going through loosing a spouse and soul mate. I am so sorry.....
Loosing my daughter is like nothing else that could possibly ever happen to me except possibly loosing my son.
Words just can't describe what we are going through. I take one day at a time and struggle through. Some good and some bad but I try to be productive on the good days.
Please know that you are not alone going through this process that is still so raw for us. Isn't it hard to wrap your head around it? I still can't believe that I will never see her again.
Anyway, I just wanted to say hello, let you know that I'm here with you. A little different circumstances but definately in a place where we can share this ride together if you want....
My email is gmp0109@comcast.net if you feel like talking. I find that writing helps me.

Take Care and make conscious decisions to be kind to yourself and take it slow.
Maybe we can help each other.
Gail

Mar 22, 2012
I miss my husband
by: Anonymous

So so sorry. I am at six weeks, still devastated as well. We had 26 years together, but he struggled with cancer for a year. I can't imagine the shock, thinking it's just another day, then get that call. It's good to hear you can feel gratitude at times, I hope for that.
Best wishes to you, I hope your kids are nearby.

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