Just 2 months in
So I am in my "second monthaversary zone". My husband had a minor dental surgery on 1/20/2012 which caused him to be in a coma until he died on 1/24/2012.
My husband Mark (of 25 years, 27 together) was a healthy 48 yr old (I am 47). We are runners and just finished the Disney Marathons the week before. We have 3 wonderful children (24, 20 and 18) who ran with us. Some combination of us had been doing this the past 7 years. Our youngest child had just left for college so we were truly enjoying our empty nest and reconnecting. We were both professionals who had rewarding jobs and we enjoyed traveling and exploring new places. Mark had a routine oral surgery scheduled in a dr's office on 1/20. Through a series of unfortunate events that I'm not sure we will ever truly know, his tongue and throat swelled from the anesthesia and they were unable to intubate him in a timely manner. I was notified at work what had happened (I didn't even go w/ him - my son did) and when I reached the ER, it was all confusion. He was without oxygen for a period of time tho no one could say for how long. We had 3 days of waiting while they tried a cooling procedure for the brain. When they could finally do a cat scan, it revealed that there was no brain activity whatsoever.
I was completely devastated. This wasn't supposed to happen - we were so young, we had so many plans. I have this overwhelming sense of loneliness- it feels like a hole in my soul. This poem really explained it all:
"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good."
-- W H Auden
Sometimes it seems he died yesterday and other times it seems like he has been gone for years. I can't believe it's only been 2 months. My sense of time is all warped.
I thought I was doing better because a few weeks ago I was finally able to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time. I see progress then I take a huge step backwards.
It hurts that we weren't able to say goodbye.
My feelings are conflicted- I feel grateful that I was able to have 27 great years with him but feel cheated that we won't grow old together. I'm glad that the kids are older and in college so I do not have to make dinners or run them to activities or deal w/ school work But I am sad to come home to an empty house. I'm glad I have a huge support system of siblings and friends but I don't really feel like talking to anyone.
The one person I want to talk to most, I can't.