Just Like My Dad
My father died suddenly on July 1, 2012. He was working out on our farm and was crushed under a tractor wheel. A neighbor found him, called my mother and sister, and we all found out the horrible news. I was with him eating dinner the night before. It was a wonderful evening, and I am so glad I could be there for the last night of his life. I am only 24 years old, but my father was 81 years old. I know that is a long life, but he was so healthy and capable. In fact, he had just gotten so many reports back that his health was so good. One night I was kissing him good bye before my husband and I drove home, and the next morning he was gone forever. I am finding this so hard to accept. I know he could have had more years. Maybe not a lot, but he was doing so well. This just isn't fair. My mother is only 62, and I don't know how she is going to survive. He was her whole life. She has no money, and she cannot work because she has a very bad back and other health complications. Her suffering is so traumatizing to me. None of the life insurance looks like it is going to work out the way Dad thought it would. For me, I am wondering why anything should matter anymore. Why does it matter if we're all going to die anyway? I so want to believe there is an after life, and my father is safe and happy with God. When we all saw him in the hospital after his death, he truly did have a smile on his face. The same smile I saw him wear so many times as he sat with the whole family around him in his big arm chair. That gives me peace, but I still have so many doubts. Before all of this happened, I had such a passion for life. I was excited to start my new business and really start my life with my husband. Now, I cannot seem to get my mind off of the fear of losing everyone I love. I especially fear losing my husband. I also fear my own death, which never used to happen to me. Everyone always said I am just like my dad. The good and the bad. He was always so strong, and I am struggling to find that strength inside me. I wonder if I will ever be myself again.