Just lost my older brother

by AC
(Omaha)

My older brother passed away on 25 May 14. I received a phone call at 9:35 PM and my mom was frantic saying my brother was dead. We have not received an autopsy report yet, but I believe prescription drugs may have contributed to his death.

I have guilt, shame and anger. My brother and I did not have the best relationship. He refused to work and support his wife and kids. He relied on my parents for financial support over the last few years. I suspected he had a prescription drug problem. Because of this I could not respect him as a man/father/brother. Our relationship deteriorated and our communication was minimal.

I judged him, instead of just loving him for who he was.

Now, my brother is gone. I feel ashamed for the way I treated him. Why did I not try and help him with his problems? Why did I not reach out to him more? To make matters worse, I expected something like this would happen and I did nothing about it.

There is nothing I can do now, but learn from this. I'll be a better person, not be so judgmental and help those who are in need.

Love you bro

Comments for Just lost my older brother

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Jul 09, 2014
My thoughts
by: Anonymous

First I am so very sorry for your loss. I too lost my brother August 5th 2013 he was 31 and I was 28. He too had a problem with prescription pills and he was trying to turn is life around when he was killed in a car accident. I always had very high standards in life and what he should be trying to accomplish. I tried to contact him constantly the last month but him being ashamed of some of the choices he made he refused to talk to me until he had his life together.. I guess my point is you should let go of any guilt you have as the circumstances of your actions are not going to change the outcome of what happened. It's not your fault and I am sure he knows you loved and cared deeply for him as mine did.

Jul 04, 2014
Confronting your brother
by: Doreen UK

Dear Anonymous
You should not feel guilty CONFRONTING your brother about his drug habit and his behaviour in not supporting your/his parents.
I am a confronter and often in life whether we like it or not we have to confront people and situations. How do you know that he may have repented of this before he died and you actually did a good thing for him to at least put his life right before he died.
There is a lot of love in confronting your brother and his behaviour. To say nothing when the situation is wrong would question whether you cared enough to do the right thing.
Time to lose your guilt now and start building your self esteem up by thinking good thoughts about yourself and building on this. Every time a negative thought comes. Turn it around in to a positive thought. Best wishes.

Jul 04, 2014
....
by: Anonymous

Ac, I can totally feel you..

My elder brother passed away on 28th May 2014 from respiratory depression in his sleep. My mum called me to inform me of his death that very afternoon. We found bottles of prescription drugs in his room- codeine, to be exact.

Like you, I knew his problem. He was financially dependent on my parents too. I was extremely angry with him, for not taking charge of his life, for allowing drugs and depression to form a vicious cycle in his life and for hurting my parents in their old age. I avoided him; I gave him the cold shoulder when I saw him (despite him trying to show his concerns for me at times) and I fumed whenever I saw him sitting around in the house in a daze from the drugs.

Now, I am overwhelmed with guilt. Looking back, I treated him the way I did because I was not in control of the situation. I gave up on him instead of giving the concerns he needed. I didn't even attempt to help him out of his situation despite knowing the drug abuse because I was blinded by my anger and inability to control the situation.

It seems all too wrong to move on with life now... I feel like I have done a great disservice to my parents and have failed them tremendously.

Jun 23, 2014
Just lost my older brother
by: Doreen UK

AC I am sorry for your loss of your brother to death and the loss of relationship.
In life we can feel upset by a lot of how our siblings behave. We can fall out, get back together again and do it all over again. You did nothing wrong by being angry and disappointed at your brother for his lack of caring for his wife and children due to his habit. He did have a responsibility to them and he failed them. The only thing you could have done was to confront him about this and urge him to get his life back on track, and honour his responsibilities. You can't carry the responsibility for your brother, but as you say you wish you had been more supportive. WE all wish we could react better and differently. But life is what it is. Just remember that confronting our loved ones to act more responsible towards their family is not going to go down well, but is also an aspect of support and love towards them. When one is IN THE PROBLEM we can't see beyond this point to do things differently, and by this time we can run out of time by losing our loved one. I guess this is what happened to you, and to many of us. I reckon if we could do things differently we would. But remember it takes two to work out a relationship, and you would have needed the co-operation of your brother to help make a relationship work. Now you will be able to realise that you need to FORGIVE yourself for not being more available to your brother realising that he also carried some of this responsibility to make a relationship work, because we don't build relationships by ourselves. It takes great communication between the two of you.

Jun 22, 2014
Your
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry for your lost. I know that your relationship with your brother is not what you wanted. Its hard when the ones we love are addicted. Its a hard road for them. I lost my 31 year old son. He was the best, and I will always miss him. I tried to help, but I guess there are some that can't seem to get better. Its usually accidental, as I don't really want to die. I know my son wanted to live, but each day was a struggle.

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