Just lost the love of my life, my dreams and future
A future lawyer, a smart, smart attractive girl. I had been engaged to her for a year.
For many years I had been struggling with pornography. I tried so hard to stop. It got better over the years, but never stopped. Well she found a recovery book. I had not told her about it before. She broke down and I had to drive her home to her parents. Then two days later she called and said "We need time apart." and "she needs space", which hurt me dearly as I needed her support in this time. I had to hang up as I just couldn't talk anymore, because I was hurt. Which later I learned hurt her more than the admission itself. We've met once, but she said "only as friends". We've talked on the phone only twice since it happened.
It's been over three weeks since this happened and I'm experiencing the worst pain I've ever had. Worse than the pain of my mothers death. Plus she won't answer whether or not there is a future for us, i.e. a marriage or even a relationship. I'm very left brained, and I struggle with unknowns. I don't know if I'm supposed to move on, or if I'm just supposed to stick with it.
I wake between 3:30 and 4:00am groaning in pain and never fall back asleep. I find no happiness anywhere. My work is suffering too.
Bottom line: I screwed up on a number of fronts, yes. Now I have to pick up the pieces of what's left of me, which isn't much. This really hurts.
I'm 33 years old. Our wedding date was June 25, 2011. She was the one in a million. Now all I can see is her face crying.