Just To Hear His Voice Again

by Stacie

I lost my precious 22 year old son Justin in a single vehicle accident 6/6/14. He was living in Louisiana, and my husband and I live in Maryland. A grueling 20 hours after I received that dreaded home call, we made it to Louisiana and headed straight to the funeral home.It did not even look like my precious baby laying on that table, although he did not have a single scratch on him, his beautiful complexion was replaced by a grayish color. He was wearing a seatbelt, but lost control of his truck which flipped several times. He climbed out and called 911 himself just before he collapsed. He called me earlier in the evening to tell me that he was finding out the sex of his unborn baby and how excited he was to become a daddy. He told me that I would be an awesome grandmom and that he was saving up to visit up here for Christmas so that everybody could meet the baby. Justin and I were always very close. He wanted my advice for everything and had such an enthusiastic outlook on everything. His smile brightened the darkest room. A part of me died with him. He was my baby boy. I do have 2 other children, an older son and younger daughter, but Justin was my Justin. My baby. How does one survive? I cry all of the time. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I anxiously await a sign from him, but I see nothing. I just want my baby back. To hear his voice, see that millon dollar smile, hug him one last time. I keep trying to wake up from this nightmare, because that's what it feels like. Can anyone help or suggest something to at least make the days tolerable?

Comments for Just To Hear His Voice Again

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Nov 18, 2014
Loss of Adult Child
by: Bill.

Hi Stacie,

Sorry for your loss of your son,I lost my only daughter in Jan 14 to cancer aged 33 and I am inconsolable in grief for her. I break down frequently and my wife and eldest son console me but I feel that being a Father and Husband I should be stronger for them but cannot get off my knees and I do not know how to get through each day.Carrie would not want me to be like I am but I loved her so so much.Totally heartbroken and lost.

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Oct 03, 2014
by: Marge, Silver Spring, MD

What a very, very sad story to lose your son at such a young age. My youngest son, Philip, died in 2011 at age 50 and I thought that was not long enough to have him in my life. I was 78 at the time. I feel so bad for you and I know it is a very difficult time especially with so much to look forward to with him. I can't express how sorry I feel for you. Although it has been 2-1/2 years since I lost Philip, I am still having difficulty dealing with his loss. I hope you don't mind my sharing my loss with you. I just want you to know I hope and pray you have some memories of your son and remember those and I suggest you go to a grievance support group which may provide some help. I pray that you are able to get some support. Marge
ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Sep 30, 2014
In honor of my Justus.
by: Anonymous

I have 5 children; one in Heaven
11.15.13. http://youtu.be/MFMLBafpzMY

He was a strong Christian, a drummer, a business man and a motivational speaker. He was 20. he has a twin brother who is so devastated as we all are. He was killed in a motorcycle accident. He was so passionate about living well, taking 100% responsibility. I can barely believe it's true. I wake up feeling so sick. I feel like recovery is years away. the link above is what we played at his service. His name was Justus Ryan Allen. My only comfort is I know I will see him again. I can't not believe he will not get to have his life that he planned. I fear I have not even started to grieve; I am still in shock and disbelief 10 months out. how do you never see your child again? We were home in bed and he never came home. he was found the next morning when he sun came up. about 5 miles from our house. It is a parents worst nightmare. he loved God and people and was always encouraging others. My heart is shattered.
ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Jun 25, 2014
your son
by: Maryjo

I know how you feel because we lost our youngest son on Mother's Day this year. He was killed when his car crashed and I will never forget hearing those words, Jaie was killed. Those came from our older son who the police contacted when they couldn't reach my husband. I was out of town. Our older son had to break the news to us. Those are words you never expect to hear and sudden death just knocks your world apart.

We had Jaie cremated because we wanted to have him at home and I'm glad we did. We can't change his room, I have begun wearing his jewelry and one of his favorite shirts just to be near him.

I think all you can do is get through each day the best you can. We had no service, I couldn't have born having to talk to people. Maybe we will on his next birthday, I don't know. I just wanted to hide with my grief.

My suggestion is just to do what you have to to get through the day and take one at a time. Don't feel like to you have call or write or email or anything. Be kind to yourself and also remember your other children. They are grieving too. Our two sons were very close, 20 months apart, and they were friends all their lives.

I think as time goes by the pain won't be as raw but there will always be a sadness in our lives. We live in Maryland too, in the southern part.

Jun 21, 2014
by: Michelle

Unfortunetly the only help anyone of us can give is to let you know we understand the unspeakable pain you are in and how very sorry for the loss of your son Justin. Truly I am for I lost my 22 year old daughter January 2013 and not one day passes without this incredible emptiness, sorrow and sadness.
Hold on tight, remind yourself to breath.
You will be mentally exhausted for months to come. I have come to realize how much I no longer care about. Your life has been forever changed without warning and the hard realization is life goes on ready or not. I am sure you woke up that next morning and just could not believe that the sun came up. I personally prayed, begged and pleaded for death but it never came. My son asked me the other day if I thought Megan knew she was going to die and I told him I believe subconsciously she did. Our children died and so did we.
How do we begin this journey into a future when a part of us will always be stuck in the past when our child was still alive?
I just don't know... Hugs

Jun 19, 2014
Your son
by: Kate

I lost my son,who was my friend and who cared for me like no other child of my five. I was devastated... remember the early
Days when it happened. It's been a year and a half now. Your words were like mine,no answers are found when your little bot who grew into a nice young man,is gone. It is heart wrenching. Seems as if my heart could not even feel anything but pain. No answers only sorrow. The why ...... In madness and any other emotions are what grief does to us. I don't know how I lived on to accept this. I could not. Not my Louie not my Louie I kept saying!!! It is so hard. So my heart goes out to you in your loss because I understand your words. I was in shock as I'm sure you are now. Shock and sorrow. God has helped me heal to a place where I can painfully go on. I will never be the same, a part of me died with my son as well.you have to go through all the horrid emotions until you see you have to work to heal because it hurts too much to keep reliving the loss of our child over and over. We struggle to try to go on without them in our lives and even my other four children do this,tears still come and pain but it is not as intense because we know it well now and know it is part of grief and healing from death. It's a path no one wants to walk. On here I found people who understood me.my heart is with you.

Jun 18, 2014
Re: Just to Hear His Voice Again
by: Vickie

Stacy, I can hear the anguish in your post and I am sorry we share this. My 21 year old son (Justin was also his name)passed on 3 years ago. Unfortunately there is no getting away from the unbearable pain we share. We feel it because we love our children so deeply. Please know that every feeling you are experiencing (and there will be many, from guilt, anger, depression, wanting to take his place, etc.) are normal and you are not going crazy (sometimes it fees like that). Right now you may be "numb" or still in shock; I think God does that to us so we don't go completely insane. One day at a time Stacy... it is incredibly painful but somehow we get through it. Having your two other children will help you stay strong, but you will still need to grieve (in your own way). Even after three years, I don't think I have FULLY accepted it, even though I know it's true. Sometimes I still, like you go to sleep thinking, just maybe when I wake up it will all have been a nightmare, I guess HOPE and LOVE keep us going, along with the fact I truly believe I will see my son again, when it's my time. One last thing that sometimes helps me is in the evening when all is calm and dark, I look up into the sky and see all the shining stars and I can truly feel my Justin all around me, maybe he is one of those shining stars? I know he is still out there, maybe "in the next room." It's just a room that we are not allowed to go into just yet. I pray for your higher power to comfort you Stacy until you and your Justin can be reunited again. Much love to you and your family.

Jun 18, 2014
in time
by: Anonymous

Hello, I am so sorry to hear this. I to have lost my 22 year old to suicide. July 17 2014 will be a year.
Right after it happened everybody that would come to the house kept saying they could feel him all around, I could not I really could not feel much of anything except sorrow and pain. Stress set in an my hair started to fall out. That all has stopped thank goodness. about the third month I had a dream he had come to me in a dream. he was surrounded by all of the dogs that we had that have passed, and the current ones. But he was holding one on his lap it was a small dog I had as a child. I have since had many dreams. Thank you God for allowing that. I cry all the time I sit in his room all his stuff is there, he had not left home yet. I can tell you it gets better. Life is different as you no, I am learning to live one very small step at a time. You to will have dreams and he will reach out to you. You have one thing I will never have a grand child that is a part of your son. I will not have that. God has been very good to me. I encourage you to read and stay in the word as this is the only thing getting me through this mess. I pray for you that you to are touched by your son. Again I am so very sorry for your loss.

Jun 18, 2014
by: Cindy

Stacie, I am so sorry for the loss of your Justin. I lost my 17 yr old son Ethan August 28, 2013. He came home with a fever on a Thursday afternoon and was gone less than a week later. The doctors could not save my precious son from a severe infection that just struck him out of the blue. It is almost 10 months now, but still feels like yesterday. To be honest, I do not know why I am still here, how my body can survive the pain and anguish I feel everyday. I get up everyday and do what I need to do. I have a 21 yr old daughter so I carry on the best I can. But the pain s always there and expect it will be there the rest of my life. All I can tell you is to cry, talk about your son, do not try to avoid the pain. Accept support from those who care but also know that eventually everyone will go back to their lives and you will not, so prepare for that the best you can. Words are so inadequate but please know you are not alone in your sorrow.

Jun 18, 2014
I know your pain...
by: Christine

God Bless you and help to comfort you. I also lost my son, it's been 3yrs and although you learn to cope...it never gets easier! I get comfort from sites like this and friends/family who have lost a child..( no matter the age, they are always our children!) Please give yourself time and you will find a way to cope...the memories keep me going! Bless You..

Jun 18, 2014
Just To Hear HIs Voice Again
by: Doreen UK

Stacie I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved son Justin to a sudden death. This is the worst feeling in the world. First losing a precious child/adult child and then to have to hear this news as a sudden death. The shock, the horror. You go into shock and numbness and this slows down the grieving process and you grieve slowly crying and feeling punch drunk with sorrow. None of us can anticipate how this grief feels till it happens, and it the worst feeling in the world. For each mom the pain and sorrow will be different. My sister could not function at all when her 30yrs. old son threw himself in front of an express train. The coroners report was horrendous and she could not share the details with the family. 9yrs. later she is coping better, and able to continue with her life. I do believe in the 9yrs. mark as it took this long for me to accept and heal from the death of my mother 11yrs. ago. I have 3 adult children and I couldn't bear the thought of losing any one of them. I know I would not be able to function. Losing my husband to cancer 2yrs. ago I could not function in any way for the first 6 months. I still feel bruised by grief. You are in the early stages of grief and the only way forward is ONE DAY/MOMENT AT A TIME. Spend time building yourself up nurturing and pampering yourself. This is the foundation to healing from grief. If you have good family/friend support it makes life much easier. Out of 4 sisters I have one who is very supportive and looking out for me. this does help as it is a very lonely place to be right now. The sad fact is that Justin will never see his unborn child. My husband will never know his two baby grandchildren. Life is so very CRUEL. It is claiming our loved one's earlier and younger. Taking great care of yourself at this time is so important. See a counsellor if you need to. My sister had to otherwise she would never have coped. In the early days you are in now, you may forget what Justin looked like, how his voice sounded, this is part of the grief. We lose those memories in the initial days after loss. But in the days ahead memories do come back. I feel as if I get a replay almost like a video of my husband and I can recapture those past memories. It is then that I feel a desperation to see him, touch him, and just love him again. There is no easy way to cope with this loss. but one day at a time.

Jun 18, 2014
Sorry for your loss
by: Anonymous

My condolences. We too lost a 4 year old nephew in a car accident last Monday. We're all trying to be there for my brother in law and his wife in any way we can. My mother in law lost a 20 year old son in 1999 as well. All I can tell you is that she has never been exactly the same as she was before that happened and that brother in law's wife was also pregnant when he passed. My mother in law anxiously awaited the birth of that new grandchild because it was a part of her son that she had just lost. I think this comforted her in many ways. As a parent of 2, I can only imagine your pain. Grieve as much as you need and don't feel like there's a time limit to when you should stop. I've heard tell that the human mind can recover completely from everything except for the loss of a child. You only learn to cope with it. That being said, eventually you will be able to smile again and believe it or not, you'll even laugh. Surround yourself with family that supports you and understands you. Stay strong and once again, my sincere condolences.

Jun 17, 2014
to hear his voice again
by: Anonymous--MI

Stacie, I am very sad for you and your family in loosing your dear son. I have not lost a child but I am grieving the death of my dear husband who died suddenly of SCA in 2012. I am in the 19th month on this road of grief. I can tell you that the only way that I can face another day is to put all my faith and trust in our Lord and Savior. Without His love for me and my family we would be totally lost. I have great faith in God, even though I do not always understand His ways, but I know that I will see my one and only love of my life, my husband, when God calls me home to heaven. We human beings are fragile and make mistakes in our living but God is in control and He will lead those of us who love Him and serve Him to a new life of total happiness, peace and joy where we will be reunited with our loved ones. I am looking forward to that great time. I hope that you will turn your eyes to the Lord and walk with Him each day for peace and healing. Without His help we are lost. God bless you and all on this site.

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