just want to cry an stop feeling pain

my mum died suddenly on 29th dec from a stroke,she had high blood pressure and was having pulpptations in her heart and cause her to have a bleed in her brain.one miniute she was fine the next min gone,was in a bubble at first,had a holaday booked in feb so put my thoughts into that,when got back starting getting numbess neally everywhere mostly in back of head,then weird pains started to eccur,pains in legs,arms.eyes,nose,felt like i was going carzy,been to doctors loads of times,i know its all greife now,just started gym,feeling better a little,been having bad indegestion this week and a bit panic at night,just trying to keep doing my breathing exercise's.
i havent really cryed and when i do its just for min cause it hurts

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