Just want to feel okay again

by Anonymous

Hi so this is kinda a confusing and long story. My dad died when I was going in to 6th grade randomly one summer night. I had four younger siblings at that time. It's was very difficult especially since they were all so young. I had an extremely hard time but family and friends helped us through. After about a year my dads best friend growing up started checking in on us. I thought nothing of it until he eventually started spending nights. I was very angry and upset with my mom and it was a bad time In my life. I hated her I hated him and I hated life. I just wanted to die to be with my dad. I started self harm and everyday was a struggle. Eventually my mom saw my marks and as you can expect the next couple of months wasn't pretty. My friends helped me to quit self harm and try to be happy again. I never thought I deserved happiness or anything good in my life again. In 8th grade things were okay. My dads friend was living in the house and I just never thought about it cause everytime I did I wanted to jump off a cliff. One night my mom told me she was pregant. I lost it again and hated her and life. Once again I got through it and just avoided everything. The baby was born and I expected to hate him but he actually brought be a lot of happiness. Everything now is okay. My mom thinks I'm perfectly fine but things are actually acting up again and I don't know what to do. I'm self harming and I've lied to all my friends about it. I cry myself to sleep everynight no one expects a thing. I just need any advice to get me through this. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want to feel better.

Comments for Just want to feel okay again

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May 09, 2014
With you
by: Stacy

We are all here to be with you and help you. Please stop hurting yourself. Please think about honoring your father by being the strong, happy, sweet daughter he knew. Make him proud by loving your mother and siblings and being great in Life! You have a reason and purpose for being here on Earth and he will always be watching over you. Please, you have to know that life will get better and you will grow strong and help others as a result of this experience. We have all lost our fathers too and it is so terrible, but it was their time and not ours. Stay strong. We are all here for you and we understand.

May 04, 2014
Wanting it bad enough
by: Judith in California

It seems you are in a self destructive cycle and are having a difficult time getting out of it completely. You can be proud that you did self correct the couple of times you did but you now must seek professional help . You must accept the fact that your mother has moved on past her loss of her husband (your father). That was not easy for her. She is happy and that should make you feel good and not hate her becaue she doesn't feel the same way you do . She could have gone into the downward spriral you did but she had to keep it together for you . She is strong and you need to be too. None of your self demeaning behaviors are going to bring your dad back or stop others from doing things that make them happy. ANd I'm sure he would be very upset with you for your selfish behavior. So you must accept that and go get help to make you mentally healthy . You have a choice in how you want to feel and live your live.

May 04, 2014
Just want to feel okay again.
by: Doreen UK

Dear Anonymous,
You were so young to lose your father from your life. You have become lost in it all and don't know how to handle this immense sorrow. Don't be ashamed that you used cutting yourself as a way to cope. This is not the way. Often when people start cutting themselves it is because the pain inside them is so fierce and strong, cutting is a way of releasing this pain. Now you have understood this you can find another way which is better. If you are able. FIND A GOOD COUNSELLOR. This can also be a psychologist who can help you work your feelings out so that cutting becomes the past, and not the present or the future. You need professional help. don't feel ashamed of this. I DID IT, in my 40's when I found depression too much and I had to find another way better in life. This was the best decision I made to do counselling. Children get lost in grief and also FORGOTTEN. Whilst the Adults are trying to cope young people like you struggle, unable to express how you feel. A good counsellor will help draw up to the surface what is troubling you and then it won't bother you again. You will mature and start to see your world better and how you fit in. To do nothing would mean that you lose out on a lot of good quality life and happiness. Friends have their place in life. They can listen and support you, and this is good. A skilled counsellor can help you find your way back into life and you will become that happy person you were meant to be. Your mother has needs and often children can feel left out. It is not easy when someone else comes into your home and life and leave you feeling he is taking your father's place. You are not mature enough to see things the way adults do. When you get older and mature in years and life you will understand this phase of your life. You won't just stop cutting yourself till you get to the root of the problem then this will stop and you will never go back to that behaviour again. You will have no need to. This is just a symptom of your great unhappiness. Find out with skilled help the root of your unhappiness and only then will your behaviour change and you will become a happier person. You won't be so angry with the world and the world of sadness you live in. When I was locked into my world of unhappiness I couldn't find a way forward. Counselling was MY MIRACLE. It came at the right time and with the right person, and it worked for me. I got my life back. I hope it works for you, and you get your life back and become the happy person you were meant to be. You will feel okay again. BELIEVE IT!! Please write back with updates of how you are doing. Best wishes.

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