Just want to feel okay again
Hi so this is kinda a confusing and long story. My dad died when I was going in to 6th grade randomly one summer night. I had four younger siblings at that time. It's was very difficult especially since they were all so young. I had an extremely hard time but family and friends helped us through. After about a year my dads best friend growing up started checking in on us. I thought nothing of it until he eventually started spending nights. I was very angry and upset with my mom and it was a bad time In my life. I hated her I hated him and I hated life. I just wanted to die to be with my dad. I started self harm and everyday was a struggle. Eventually my mom saw my marks and as you can expect the next couple of months wasn't pretty. My friends helped me to quit self harm and try to be happy again. I never thought I deserved happiness or anything good in my life again. In 8th grade things were okay. My dads friend was living in the house and I just never thought about it cause everytime I did I wanted to jump off a cliff. One night my mom told me she was pregant. I lost it again and hated her and life. Once again I got through it and just avoided everything. The baby was born and I expected to hate him but he actually brought be a lot of happiness. Everything now is okay. My mom thinks I'm perfectly fine but things are actually acting up again and I don't know what to do. I'm self harming and I've lied to all my friends about it. I cry myself to sleep everynight no one expects a thing. I just need any advice to get me through this. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want to feel better.