Just When you lease Expect It ....
Funny how life has a way of bring things to light when you least expect it.....
I was on a travel journey to my son's and then to a concert with a friend in California....
It's amazing what your mind can think of when traveling 2-3 hours in the car by yourself. I played upbeat music but all it takes is a word here and a word there, a sentence or a phrasing of words that brings your back to square one.
It's been awhile that Billy has continuously been on my mind, of course again, traveling with 2-3 hours did me in...
Last week I found a ring that is made by footnotes that carried me back to the beginning of my lost. Footprints in the sand.
I remember I was so instant that "Footprints in the Sand" be spoken at Billy's service. So many times he was searching, always wanting to be the best man he could be to God and me. I fear that he believed God looked the other way when he needed help. I found a ring at work that has little footprints on the side of the ring with the saying engraved on the inside of the ring "It was then that I carried you" I know he carried Billy home and he is at peace, but I'm forever in turmoil here.
In the last 3 day's I've cried like I was back in the beginning.
1 year, 4 months and I'm backsliding. Why? I'm frustrated, confused, angry, alone and it's a place I don't want to be. I'm walking down a path of darkness and pain, loneliness and despair, yet I can't turn around, I can't go back. As my footprints move forward, the steps left behind are gone, never able to retrace myself backwards. It's darkness behind me, a void and empty space with Billy on the other side and I can't get back there. I look to the future and again I see darkness... no light at the end of the tunnel, just the light, love and Billy, my light behind me growing dimmer as I move forward. My heart in pain, my soul wanting forever him with me.
I don't know why I'm so down, so despondent that this time. I feel the craziness over taking me that I had in the beginning. Does it ever stop? Can I ever love again? I always believed I could; now I question it.
Life has come and gone this year before me and will continue after. Why is there no way, no book, no teaching of something to help us? I have this site and I thank God I can come here but after all this time why do we still feel this pain of love lost, this desperation of longing for our love? Can there be no peace for us?
I look and wonder, I'm guessing like those before me and for those who will continue after me....
And so I will continue to search
1 step, 1 breath at at time ~ 1 year