Just When you lease Expect It ....

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)



Funny how life has a way of bring things to light when you least expect it.....
I was on a travel journey to my son's and then to a concert with a friend in California....
It's amazing what your mind can think of when traveling 2-3 hours in the car by yourself. I played upbeat music but all it takes is a word here and a word there, a sentence or a phrasing of words that brings your back to square one.
It's been awhile that Billy has continuously been on my mind, of course again, traveling with 2-3 hours did me in...
Last week I found a ring that is made by footnotes that carried me back to the beginning of my lost. Footprints in the sand.
I remember I was so instant that "Footprints in the Sand" be spoken at Billy's service. So many times he was searching, always wanting to be the best man he could be to God and me. I fear that he believed God looked the other way when he needed help. I found a ring at work that has little footprints on the side of the ring with the saying engraved on the inside of the ring "It was then that I carried you" I know he carried Billy home and he is at peace, but I'm forever in turmoil here.
In the last 3 day's I've cried like I was back in the beginning.
1 year, 4 months and I'm backsliding. Why? I'm frustrated, confused, angry, alone and it's a place I don't want to be. I'm walking down a path of darkness and pain, loneliness and despair, yet I can't turn around, I can't go back. As my footprints move forward, the steps left behind are gone, never able to retrace myself backwards. It's darkness behind me, a void and empty space with Billy on the other side and I can't get back there. I look to the future and again I see darkness... no light at the end of the tunnel, just the light, love and Billy, my light behind me growing dimmer as I move forward. My heart in pain, my soul wanting forever him with me.
I don't know why I'm so down, so despondent that this time. I feel the craziness over taking me that I had in the beginning. Does it ever stop? Can I ever love again? I always believed I could; now I question it.
Life has come and gone this year before me and will continue after. Why is there no way, no book, no teaching of something to help us? I have this site and I thank God I can come here but after all this time why do we still feel this pain of love lost, this desperation of longing for our love? Can there be no peace for us?
I look and wonder, I'm guessing like those before me and for those who will continue after me....
And so I will continue to search
1 step, 1 breath at at time ~ 1 year

Comments for Just When you lease Expect It ....

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Oct 31, 2011
2nd year blues
by: Cousin Shirl

I've got them too cousin. The numbness has worn off and I have to admit and accept that my beautiful son will never light up a room again with his gorgeous smile. He will never hug me again and will never pinch my cheek and call me "cute" again. I will never see him fall in love, marry and have children. There are so many "nevers" when we lose someone we love. How can we go on? I have a feeling that the blues are worse because of the impending holidays. Last year at this time we both had fresh losses and were still in a state of shock and denial. This year we have to admit to ourselves that nothing is going to change. What's done is done. What's gone is gone....forever.....it really sucks and I hate my life right now. I just want to be with my son. I just want to see his beautiful smile. I just want to hear his laugh.....just once more.

Oct 30, 2011
Im on that same path
by: kay

I am feeling like you are,I lost my beautiful son Dean last year 17 months ago.We live our lives in a new way trying desperately to survive in our new lives with our loved ones.We after a long time of crying every night begin to smile and even laugh....at times enjoy being with other loved ones....Then out of the blue it hits so hard that you seem to lose it all again. It doesnt take much to set you off again. For the past week I have shut down inside..I am at the moment in that dark space trying to withdraw from outside reminders that trigger.....Tonight I thought of getting back up and trying again. Tomorrow I begin my journey again. I will at least try. My heart is aching my mind confused. I wish you a ton of healing energy and send you love. Its a damned hard long journey. Dont give up on yourself. Please.

Oct 29, 2011
The second year was harder...
by: VJ

I just finished reading your blog. I am truly sorry for your heart ache and what seems like endless darkness. I can only speak for myself but I found the second year the hardest. I knew that life would never be okay and like it was before my daughters death. I just Never expected to feel even More lost, More lonely, Less hopeful. I thought I possibly might see light somewhere? I think the word 'despondent' is the word that describes how I felt. I felt like all the color in my life was fading...to almost complete darkness. Nothing even made me feel a tiny bit better. Not friends, not my boyfriend, not even food. I went to work and I think it was the one thing that kept me from falling into a complete shut down. I would ask myself "why is this so much harder and difficult than a year ago?" I read some and then I realized that it was because the numbness of that first year had worn off. People still cared but for them their lives had moved on. I was pretty much the only one that felt like I was unable to do so. Of course being the mother would also make me the who would suffer the most. My granddaughter definitely has been the one to suffer the greatest loss. She is still very young(only five when her mom died)but much of her pain will come to her later...I think that what your going through is normal, if there is a normal for ALL the hell we have to endure after our loved ones are gone. I think as we get up each day and we see others around us, whether they are friends/family, co-workers, or just people in passing we start to feel and see the routine of life again. I am Not a therapist but maybe that is a sign of ourselves healing. Even though it feels like we are going in reverse-we aren't. I am going into the third year w/o my daughter and I am having more days that are better than down days. I DO still have down days but not as many or as often. I am starting to find enjoyment in things. Not like before, because I can't and don't ever expect to have that again. I am just telling myself I am here and I may be here for a long time to come. I would give anything to have her back, but as we all know...that isn't possible. Try and not be so hard on yourself. Crying is a way of grieving and that is a way to begin healing. This site is also a great blessing. I know our friends and family mean well but those of us who have come here-truly are the ones who understand the pain and magnitude of loss each of us has suffered. Your not alone. We are here for you. God Bless You. p.s. Billy will Always be with you. His physical body is gone-but his spirit lives on.

Oct 29, 2011
by: maureen

Hi Patricia I was so glad to come upon your post well I dont know if glad is the best word. I lost my son 13 months ago unexpectedly. He was my best friend and the son I would always go to when I needed the answers to life's most difficult questions.I made it through the first anniversary and thought things would get much better after that but like you I am more sad than ever and dont know why.They say the grief softens but I dont know about that sometimes I feel I am losing my mind.I can get up and go about my day but constantly miss him and think about him and do think about the day when I meet up with him again.Well I certainly can relate to you and feel your pain. You are in my prayers

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