Karen Belding

by Karen Belding

January 31,2013
Well, I don't know what stage of grief I am in. Maybe none yet. My Mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor in early December. They did surgery on December 13. The type of tumor was a gliobalastoma multiform. Stage 4. They took out a tennis ball sixe mass but could not get it all. She is 72 years old and this is her third cancer. She had 2 melanomas that she survived and now this. We lost my step father to Alzheimer's in 2010 and my sister to MS in 2011. I'm pissed, I have never been this mad. I am mad about everything. I have had to move in with my mom so she can stay home as long as possible. Hospice was called in and we are looking at about 3 months they say. She is amazing as always. Happy, singing, making jokes. She has always been that way. I want to make the rest of her time the best it can be but my anger is spilling over into everything. I have taken a leave from my job, I can't sleep with my husband, I miss my cats. Even as I am writing this it makes me sick. It,s all me and my and sounds like a pity party. I should be thinking about my Mom not myself. I have family members I have a hard time looking at because they did not help my Mom when my step Father (their father) was suffering from Alzheimer's. My Mom was the sole caregiver and kept him at home while going 3 times a week to the nursing home where my sister was. I lived 2 hours away but I was the only help she had. Later I had to move her closer to me again no help, all on us. Yest they come around every once in a while now and act like they are just so into family. It makes me crazy. After this is over and I bury my Mom and my best friend they will be there with their hands out wanting to grieve together. Don't even get me started on anything religion based that really fuels my anger. Maybe I am going crazy.

Comments for Karen Belding

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Feb 10, 2013
Your Anger
by: Penni

Dear Karen,
I so understand how you are feeling. I lost my Mom to cancer almost 3 years ago. I too, left my job of 36 years, but 10 years shy of retirement age. My Mom wanted me to move in with her and because she had been my everything, I could not deny her in the final weeks of her life. I gave up my home and my job to be with her. Thank God my husband of 10 years was willing to let me do what I needed to please my Mom. My Brother was of no help,,,,,but then he never had been, even though he was the apple of my Mom's eye. I so know how you feel, but please know that you have done the right thing and when the time comes and your Mom is gone, I hope that knowing that you did your best will bring you comfort.

Feb 03, 2013
I agree
by: Sharon

I will make this short and sweet. You have to ask the family to do something and expect a no answer rather than ask nothing and get nothing. Ask them what they are able to do to help now that she has limited amount of time. You need a break from all this illness in your life. Put some of the responsibility back on them and see if they try to crawl out or walk back in to do what they should have been doing all along. I just went through this with my parents. It was me and only me. I was constantly calling and asking for help being nice and then it just got to the point that I was no longer asking I was saying you need to do this and get this done. I was exhausted and they were just sitting around waiting for a money call. They were informed that if they did not help they would all receive a dollar for their trouble, the rest would be donated to hospice for the hard work they did for a stranger. Girl I had so much help I didnt know what to do with. Hard lesson to learn about my family but I got the help I needed. Please hang in there Karen it does get better.

Feb 01, 2013
Karen Belding
by: Doreen U.K.

Karen I can understand your anger turned into RAGE. it is the injustice of the situation that is P....ng you off. No one gets angry for nothing. There has to be a reason for your anger. Best thing to do is go off and see a grief counsellor who will allow you the time and space to shout it all out and get as mad as you need to in a safe environment. You are not being supported by your family in caring for your mom. I cared for my husband dying of cancer for over 3yrs. I know the strain and tiredness this causes. Don't put up with this lack of support. Reach out to your doctor, social services and anyone who can give you the help you need. I was mad with my son for asking if his dad was proud of him. I had to remind him that when we asked him to wash his Dad's car along with his. HE DIDN'T, He asked his sister to do it. I asked him to take care of this home he was going to inherit. He wasn't interested. Never mind cutting the grass, and tidying the garage. He would disrespect the space and use up all his dad's engine oil and thinners and it was time for me to say something. He is 43yrs. and didn't like the truth. He then went to MY SISTER'S (his aunties,) and get support from them. You can't win. Times you have to say something or stay angry forever which is bad for blood pressure etc.
You can also try to resolve your anger in the safe environment of a counsellors room. You need this space. The Justified Anger you feel will destroy you. What is wrong with people? Why are they so insensitive? Why don't they get it? When I get to this stage I have to walk away if the problem can't be resolved. The air has to be cleared. Try and get the family to understand where you are at in your mom's care. and how you are feeling. Don't suffer fools gladly. You can't afford to keep the peace. Say nothing. and you are the one who is injured. Be assertive and FIRM. Say what you have to and walk away. Give the family time to ponder on what you say and time to respond and change. If your anger is affecting your husband you could damage a relationship that will be harder to recover from so try with the help of a counsellor to work this one out. You need someone on your side and if this problem can be resolved you will be the better for it. You are also internally angry because your Mom is dying before your eyes and you don't know what to feel and think before this happens. You are scared, unhappy, sad, and agry at life all in one. Your anger says you are not coping. Get support NOW. You need it and won't regret it. Things will start to feel better for you when you can cope with this immense responsibility. You will get through it with the right support. I did. This is my encouragement to you. Best wishes.

Jan 31, 2013
I know it hurts
by: Betty Sanders-Hill

Well If it helps you I know what you are going through. I lost my husband 10/1/12 to complications of Glioblastoma Multiforme. Then on 10/12/12 My mother also succumbed to complications of her cancers. I gave up working for two years rented out my home and moved in with mom. they were sick for seven and six years. I too was angered by the lack of help from siblings. What I came away with is this. What I did for mom I did because I loved her.I did it for her and no one else. I just couldn't bare to take a chance that some one might not give her the care she deserved. After all she was always there for me. We were the three amigos. I miss them both so much it is almost unbearable. I wish you patience & calmness in the days ahead. I wish you fond loving memories for the future.

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