by kate robinson
(durham united kingdom)

We got up as normal on the 27th feb this year, 15 weeks and 1 day ago to be exact, rob and i had been together 36 years , married the whole 36 years, we met and married the same year. rob retired early at christmas as i had had a stroke. little did i know we would have so little tiime left together, he was only 57, he went out to the car on the drive, to go the doctors because he thought he had flu. he got in the car and i notice it didnt go, so i went to see what was wrong. " kate i'm going to die" HE TOLD ME. I told him he couldnt die, i loved him. he said i love you too, and then he died.I have to stop for a minute. im composed again, this is breaking my heart writing this, rob had a dvt and instantly, i knew he was dead, and i couldnt save him. he was my world, im lost lonely and so unhappy, i dont know what im doing,i'm making stupid decisions, its as if the bottom of my world has fallen in, ive been cring for the past 15 weeks, and promise myself every day, im not going to cry, but the pain overwhelms me. I just want the pain to go away.

Comments for katey

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Jul 01, 2012
by: Doreen U.K.

Helen & Anonymous,
Don't allow people in your space if they can't accept your grief. grief is something awful. Go see a grief counsellor to help and support you. I KNOW people can't take our grief and they think we should be over it. We may have to segregate from people when we feel this way. It is hard for us in grief. There is no pill (as you say) to take to make it better. Grief has to be expressed. You have to carry on expressing grief otherwise it will destroy you to keep it in just to appease other people around you.
It hurts so bad some days I can hardly get out of bed. I have made a small bed up on the settee and I lie down whenever as I am tired a lot of the time with grief. don't do anything until you want to. Some days you may feel like working other days just lying down. I can't switch off. My mind is going crazy with grief. It seems like we are going through an endless tunnell and can't get to the end and wonder if there is an end. Keep posting as much as you need to.
For anyone out there and it gets too bad email me for support ongoing.
Peace & Love to you all going through this tunnel of grief and can't bear it. We are all together in this.

Jun 29, 2012
"Moving on"
by: Helen

. Two pokiceman arrived (sudden deatnhhMy husband died of a catastrophic aneurysm - virtually dropped dead at my feet. He was if good health (we thought). We were in a cottage in the middle of nowehere and I was trying to direct the ambulance over my mobile. They said he would have died even if he had been in intensive care. His mouth and eyes were open and they would not let me shut them two policenen arrived (sudden death). We then had to get him back to Aberdeen. He was my whole life and the pain is devastating - it never lets up and it is now nearly 2 years. My friends are all fed up with me because I can't "move on". We had no children and the days seem endless -I can't wait to be with him. We spent every minute together and I feel blessed for the happy years we had but it makes the pain so much worse. I have never known such unhappiness and dread each dawn. No one can help = there is no pill for grief just this longing for the one person whole truly loved me and gave me all his love back.

Jun 13, 2012
raw grief
by: Anonymous

I too lost the love of my life on May 11. He was 63. He was my first boyfriend when I was 15, and when I was 18, he married someone else.... 12 years ago, we "met" again, and for five years, it was wonderful. Then his health started to fail and for the last five years, I started to withdraw to protect myself from the certainty I would lose him... but then it happened so suddenly... every day I dread coming home from work to an empty house... I feel displaced and like I am an orphan... I look forward to seeing him again in heaven but I know I have years left without him... it's been a month and I am worse than I was... very little family, and my friends are probably sick of my sorrow... when does it get better? I can't imagine anyone else in my life. Ever. I am so sorry you feel that way too. He complained of back pain, and then when he sat on the bed said call 911... I was on the phone with them when I saw him arrest... I am a nurse and crazily went into nurse mode trying to resusitate him instead of telling him I loved him... I just feel... empty.

Jun 13, 2012
Lost husband of 36 years together
by: Doreen Middlesex England

Hi Kate
I am so sorry for your loss of your husband of 36 yrs. Of course the bottom of your world has fallen out and you have crashed. None of us are prepared for the feelings of grief as it is too mild a word for what we experience. We have crashed and it is hard to get up. Your crying is normal and will go on and on and on and don't stop it otherwise you won't be able to heal and you will prolong your grief. Let it come whenever as there is no time or place to grieve it will hit you at unexpected times and places.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. 5 weeks ago from lung cancer caused by working with asbestos and I feel as if I won't recover. I had a bad grief day today and was not able to do anything at all till late in the day. I managed to do a lot of work and even cut the grass and this helped to be doing something. I just hate the ALONENESS and the emptiness and Steve not being here. The place he used to sit is empty. He worked hard for 40 years and then he dies 11 months into retirement. He was ill for the whole 3yrs.39days. I nursed him at home and he died 5th May 2012 and was buried 5 weeks ago on 25th May 2012. His birthday was on Sunday and he would have been 66yrs. He died at 65 just 16 days before his birthday. It is hell and each day has no meaning. There is no joy in life anymore and waking up to each new day is not important anymore. I know how you feel. We can only take one day at a time and this does help. Looking too far ahead will overwhelm us and the suffering will feel endless. I hope that you get to feel a bit better sharing how you feel and that you will benefit greatly from the support on this website.
Best wishes on your journey.

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