by Kathryn
(Oldham, united kingdom)

Hi. I have suffered many traumas and losses over 50 years. I never grieved for them nor talked about them. I had losses through childhood but I lost a baby 22 years ago, my Mum in 2003 and my Dad in 2004. My marriage broke up in 2008 and I had a breakdown. I spent several months in hospital and eventually had to leave home and my three sons. I was homeless, I had no family or friends to call on, my husband had abused me, I spent 12 months in a women's refuge for domestic abuse. I have a council house now. It I feel I have no one and I don't belong anywhere. Life is very hard. I lost all his family too. I feel so remote from everyone and I cannot cope with myself let alone my sons or life. I feel totally lost. Thank you for listening. Kathryn x x x

Comments for Kathryn

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Jun 11, 2012
Hello Kathryn
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry for all the pain that life has sent your way. I know that you may think that there is no way out. Believe me I have thought that way thousands of times. No matter what others have done or how broken you think we are, we have a choice. Tap into that part of you that is capable of transforming your perception about your past, present & future.

I started to climb out of the abyss with one word or phrase. One positive thought about myself even if I didn't believe it. I repeated over and over again, until I drowned the voices that had been telling me that your life is worthless. Half of my life was filled with traumas but I chose to go back and face those memories and alter my perception of them and walk away responding not as a weak, destoyed person like others may have expected me to or even the way the victim I had been for years expected me to. We play that role so well, that like an actor we don't want to stop playing that role because we have mastered it and it gives us an excuse to not participate in life. One day the pain was so extreme that I knew if I could do it I would have killed myself. But I took that pain, pulled it out of my soul and used it to fight the victim that I had become. My black hole, instead of burying myself every day in it, I have thrown everything that convinced me that it was over for me. I still have a couple more things to take care of and then I am going to cover up the hole with dirt, walk away. I'm creating a life that I can relish rather than dispise. I dismiss everything & anyone in an instant that goes against me and my desire to have a beautiful life. Everything is insignificant until we make it significant. I made a molester, rapist, employers, relatives, men, money, you name it more significant than me. Well, guess what? I am the most significant part of my life. When you come from that place, nothing can touch you. We are equipt with the most powerful force in the Universe; FREE WILL. Apply your FREE WILL and choose to respond in the way you really want to! Eccepting the truth that it what not what is or has happened to us or what others have done to us that defines who we are. It is how we choose to react and respond to the external world. I'm not looking for the world to change anymore. I can choose to see life through rose-colored glasses instead of glasses covered in scales.

You are not alone. Don't give up. Don't let the past and its memories strip you of the present. Choose a new role and play out this moment and then the next differently. My closet is slowly filling up with costumes for a conquerer, survivor, victor, sexy woman, powerful, independent person. I hope you choose to get up and fight. I hope you choose to believe you can. I hope to see you heading to the other side. You have what it takes Kathryn and if you think someone stole your ability to DO what it takes, go get it back!!

May 16, 2012
Someone is Listening...
by: VJ

Kathryn, I read your latest post. I am praying for you and I wish I could give you a hug. Please keep trying. I know that is a Very Difficult thing to do right now but you Need to Not give up.
I know the darkness your feeling and the feeling that life seems pointless. Pleae continue to reach out. There are those of us who Do Care. The way you are feeling right now, doesn't have to be the way you will feel, the rest of your life.

Love and prayers, VJ p.s. I left you my email. Please feel free to contact me.

May 16, 2012
Still here..
by: VJ

Hi Kathryn, I am glad that we were able to give you some comfort. I have no doubt that you are battling so much every day. I am leaving my email for you. If you would like to talk to me, please feel free to email me.

Love and prayers, VJ vjh829@yahoo.com

May 16, 2012
Dark hole
by: Kathryn

I feel as though I am in a deep black hole and I am sinking inch by inch. Nothing brings me pleasure anymore. When I left my children, my heart shattered into a million pieces and the pieces have blown away and I can't find them. The pain is excruciating and I can't seem to hold a sensible logical thought. So much happened and my life disintegrated and it feels too much to put it together. I am so exhausted. Thank you for listening, Kathryn x x x

May 15, 2012
Thanks x
by: Kathryn

Thank you Janis and VJ for your kindness and for sharing with me. I gained some comfort from your words. Much love, Kathryn x x x

May 15, 2012
Don't Give Up...
by: VJ

Kathryn, Your words touched me deeply. I believe very much in what Janis wrote to you. I know you probably are thinking that it isn't that easy to Do. Your off the streets and that is a Good thing. Yes, You have suffered s great deal of loss and pain. My heart goes out to you for All that you have endured. I lost a daughter a couple yr's ago and my partner that I had been with ,for over nineteen yr's. Many family members as well. I did and still Do what Janis suggested to you. When a dark thought enters my mind -I try and focus on something good. A happy memory, or the belief of a better day ahead. Your Alive and I know you feel SO ALONE but your Not. God is with you and he is a Constant. When your feeling alone possibly write down some of your feelings. Then write down what you would make you happy. Not big things, small things. A cup of coffee, a new outfit, finding work, etc..

Just know that as alone as your feeling, there are people who care. Although we have never met, doesn't mean that we aren't capable of sending words of love and encouragement to you. Our prayers are with you as well. I will keep you close in my thoughts and prayers daily.

Keep coming to this site and let this be a place that helps you mend your heart and soul. People here care and understand the magnitude of loss and pain that your feeling.

Love and prayers, VJ

May 15, 2012
by: Janis

Dear Kathryn,
Oh my ! Your note made me feel so deeply sorry that this has happened to you.

THANK GOD, truly THANK GOD for the thousand good things that do exist in your life ! THANK GOD you brought two boys into this world. THANK GOD you have a safe place to be now. THANK GOD for all your many life experiences from which you learned that true LOVE is a relationship with GOD and NO other.

Your life will change for the better soon...and THANK the Good Lord God almighty for that ! You ARE on your way to a new and better life. You'll get a new little job and you'll fill your life with happy thoughts and that will create more happy thoughts and attract happy events.

When you can catch yourself feeling unhappy, it is a signal from your conscience that you are thinking unhappy thoughts.

MAKE A LIST of the GOOD things in your life, the happy or good memories. Add to that list as days go on. MAKE CERTAIN TO REFER TO THAT LIST WHEN YOU'RE FEELING UNHAPPY TO REMIND YOU OF THE GOOD...and smile again...forget the POISONOUS dis-satisfactions.

When you are happy you can pass on the good you know...until the time that you can discipline yourself in that way, you can only spread the negative.

Easy to say...challenging to perfect. You'll see...it works.

As The Lord Jesus Christ said, "as you think, so you are."

SO, I hope you VOW TO YOURSELF TO DO THIS...and in no time, you'll be much much better. GOD loves you...and so do I.

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