Kevin my baby and only son

by Lois

Kevin passed away on 4/22/14 after fighting cancer for over 4 years. Cancer causes so much pain and suffering not only for the patient but for the love ones too. My son took his last breath with my husband, daughter and myself at his side. He looked peaceful but kept looking into my eyes as he passed. I had to tell him that everything would be alright and he could go to sleep. I asked him if he was tired and he nodded yes. Why did I give him permission to die? But he was in so much pain, it was heartbreaking. It torments me to not know what he was thinking as he died. I feel so lonely and empty. I am afraid of the dark, which I never experienced before in my life. I see visions of his eyes looking at me and it gives me bad anxiety attacks. I cry a lot and it hasn't gotten better with passing time. Is he at peace, it torments me to not know where he is or how he is. I would give the world to be able to hold and kiss him just one more time. Kevin and I were very close, we could tell each other anything. He became my whole world especially while he was battling cancer. The health care here in Hawaii is so lacking, I feel that his doctors just gave up on him. We were in Seattle getting cyberknife treatments for him and I feel if we had only stayed there, Kev would probably be still alive. I'm so confused and forgetful, I feel like I'm starting dementia. I get short of breath, rapid heartbeat and feel shaky. I also get lightheaded off and on. Why my son, why not me?? He was 29 and had so many dreams for his future. His friends and classmates are married with children and good jobs. They saw life goes on but not for me. I can bearly function daily. My baby boy is dead, my only son, why??? One of my 2 daughters is very supportive, the other lives in her own land. Please help me to understand the feels I am going through.

Comments for Kevin my baby and only son

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Jun 26, 2014
You are not alone
by: Anonymous

I am up at midnight because all I could see when I closed my eyes to sleep was my son Michael's eyes staring back at me just before he died of heart failure after having a stroke 2 days earlier. I too told him everything is going to be o.k. God is going to take you by the hand. He died August 3 2013. Michael was 23 and was diagnosed with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy when he was 8. He never left home and he was always there with me and loved talking to me at night before bedtime. I miss him so very very much. I just want to say that looking back, my life is not the nightmare it was for the first few months. There are a few rays of sunshine that break through the dark clouds of grief more and more often. I just keep trying to ask God to get me through this thing that I never thought I could endure. I sincerely hope that you can find comfort in the good memories that you have of your son. I wish I could give you a big hug.

Jun 08, 2014
Lots of hugs to u
by: Sheela

Lois, I really know and understand what you are going thro'. Nearly 8 months back I lost my son Hari to a relapse of TB Meningitis. He was only 23 years old. A gem of a son, grandson and brother. He never ever knew he was going away from us. 2011 November he was diagnosed with TB Meningitis. He took his medicines very regularly and never missed a dose for an year. He was a teetotaller. He was a gold medalist in engineering and was to proceed to Illinois for his masters program this year. But we lost himand with him our dreams and aspirations crashed. I have so many emotions going on. My husband has left his job. The heartache, pain, anguish and tears never go. Everyday its a video rerun of his days in the hospital for 3 weeks. His eyes staring at me with his tongue bitten is the only face which comes in front of me. Did he want to tell me something?. He never knew that he was going to have a cardiac arrest. What would I not give to hug him, kiss him talk to him. Let god take me to him. We have to carry on Lois that's all. Hugs to you

Jun 07, 2014
Kevin my baby and only son
by: Doreen UK

Lois this is the worst experience of a mother's life. To have to bury one of her children. He was so young, and as you say did not get the chance to marry, have a family like his friends did. You will feel CHEATED. A mother carries her child for 9 months. Rears that child to be the best son/daughter, and then to lose them so quickly HURTS TOO MUCH. The grief pain is UNBEARABLE. The cancer journey is a hard one on the whole family. It is also painful to nurse and care for a loved one with cancer. Just looking into the face of your loved one and they know they are going to die and don't want to.
My husband of 44yrs. was diagnosed in 2009 with the worst rare and aggressive cancer caused by working with asbestos. MESOTHELIOMA. A cancer that takes between 40-60yrs. to develop. The cancer pain and suffering is GREAT. It is an INCURABLE, INOPERABLE, AGGRESSIVE, and always TERMINAL cancer. Just hearing that news broke my heart into a thousand pieces. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days and he died 2yrs. ago. It was a horrendous cancer journey and he did not get the proper care he deserved due to the lack of funding/resources here in the U.K. It is painful living and caring for someone who is terminally ill. My husband did not want to die. It hurt me deeply. I wanted to change places with him. he worked so hard for his family and then loses his life 2yrs. before retirement. I could not function for 6 months. I could do nothing. I felt as if I had been in a car crash, all beaten up. I couldn't move. Slowly I got my strength back. I moved forward slowly. I still have relapses of regressing. Losing my MOTIVATION to do anything. The Loneliness, Emptiness one feels is so crippling. Knowing they are never coming back is so hard to cope with. All the feelings you describe of feeling as if you have dementia etc. is the full wrath of grief. You feel some days you can't function. Best way forward is ONE DAY AT A TIME. Every day hurts and we have to live with so much pain, as the healing is so slow. No medication for this pain. It helps if you have supportive family and friends to help you through this long journey. Find time to nurture yourself. it does help us heal a bit. May God come close to you and your family at this hard time and comfort you with His Peace.

Jun 05, 2014
by: Wendy (Kyle's Mom)

My heart hurts after reading your post. I hope that in time your last minutes with Kevin will bring you some kind of peace. My 21 year old son died in 2009 due to a faulty part on his insulin pump. When I arrived at his apartment he was on the kitchen/dining room floor on his stomach. I lay on the floor next to him trying to see into his eyes and there was nothing. I was too late and it haunts me that he was alone when he died. Reading your comments it makes me wonder if your situation was better or worse. As you said, you wish you knew what he was thinking. 5 years later I still have no answers about why illness sometimes takes our precious children. I imagine that you must be in shock as Kevin's passing is so recent. I wish you peace and understanding.

Jun 05, 2014
by: Michelle

After the loss of my daughter, I too became afraid of the dark. As soon as nitetime would begin my heart would race and I could feel the blood pumping through my veins. I wanted to hide but there was nowhere. Can't sleep but you are mentally exhausted. You lay awake and play through it in your head 100 times over like a nightmare you don't wake from yet you are awake, as if somehow going over and over and over it all will change the outcome.
It's been 17 months since our 22 year old daughter died and I do not fear the dark like I did. Forgetful? Right there with you. I still am. My daughter and I were very close and I waited for death to come as I was sure I would die of a broken heart but death never came. I begged and pleaded and prayed for it.
Occasionally I still do...
Hold on tight, it's an emotional ride like none other.
I'm sorry for your loss of your son. It's truly horrible, life goes on and ours came to an end with the death of our child.

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