Kevin my baby and only son
Kevin passed away on 4/22/14 after fighting cancer for over 4 years. Cancer causes so much pain and suffering not only for the patient but for the love ones too. My son took his last breath with my husband, daughter and myself at his side. He looked peaceful but kept looking into my eyes as he passed. I had to tell him that everything would be alright and he could go to sleep. I asked him if he was tired and he nodded yes. Why did I give him permission to die? But he was in so much pain, it was heartbreaking. It torments me to not know what he was thinking as he died. I feel so lonely and empty. I am afraid of the dark, which I never experienced before in my life. I see visions of his eyes looking at me and it gives me bad anxiety attacks. I cry a lot and it hasn't gotten better with passing time. Is he at peace, it torments me to not know where he is or how he is. I would give the world to be able to hold and kiss him just one more time. Kevin and I were very close, we could tell each other anything. He became my whole world especially while he was battling cancer. The health care here in Hawaii is so lacking, I feel that his doctors just gave up on him. We were in Seattle getting cyberknife treatments for him and I feel if we had only stayed there, Kev would probably be still alive. I'm so confused and forgetful, I feel like I'm starting dementia. I get short of breath, rapid heartbeat and feel shaky. I also get lightheaded off and on. Why my son, why not me?? He was 29 and had so many dreams for his future. His friends and classmates are married with children and good jobs. They saw life goes on but not for me. I can bearly function daily. My baby boy is dead, my only son, why??? One of my 2 daughters is very supportive, the other lives in her own land. Please help me to understand the feels I am going through.