kev's wife

by carol
(NJ)

I lost my husband on May 16. He pulled into the driveway and died. With the car in park and the engine still running. Just like that. 54 years old. The love of my life. My best friend, my best pal, my advisor, my protector, my everything. I am lost. I try to function. Who knew there was so many details after death? I want to scream Idon't care!!!I want to die too! There is no place in this world for me anymore...the world was him and me...we did everything together..went everywhere together...Kevin where are you??????Why????????

Comments for kev's wife

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Jun 24, 2012
black trash bags
by: Anonymous

hi, put the trash bags somewhere safe. nobody can decide when it is time for you. I brought stuff(in black bags)to donate early on and I wish I had those awlful bags back. Breathe in, breathe out that is all you have to do right now. peace be to all of us in this sucky widows club

Jun 16, 2012
togetherness
by: shaz

carol,i must thank you for your kind words,they were so calming to me.its made me realise that there is so much pain and we are all on the same difficult path.it makes it comforting that we are all here for each other,though we are all different people,from all walks in life,and different parts of the world,we are all the same when it comes to grief and pain.my thoughts and heart goes out to you all at such a hard time.i buried my love yesterday,and i know face the total finally episode.i didnt realise the different stages hit you diffrently and harder.my heart now breaks with intensity,the pain is crucial,and im so frightened of everything.

Jun 12, 2012
Black Plastic Trash Bags
by: Lonely Widow

Kev's wife -
my husband of 28 years died on April 17. He pulled into his parking space at work and, according to witnesses, his car just kept rolling until it hit a small tree. EMS worked on him for 45 minutes. "Acute Myocardial Infarction" What a shock!! It has been 8 weeks. This past weekend I attempted to clean out some of his things. The Black Plastic Trash Bags comment you made pierced my heart. I have 3 of those bags, full to almost bursting, with his t-shirts, faded jeans, scuffed boots...My Husband! I cannot bear the pain some days. I cannot get out of bed sometimes. I am in a position where my daughters are emotionally supporting ME, instead of me supporting them. Anyway, your post got my attention and I just had to reply to you. I do not expect you to find comfort from my response, but I wanted to reach out to you.

Jun 12, 2012
response to shaz
by: kev's wife

Shaz, i read your story with such sadness. Know that I stopped and said a prayer for you and I will continue to say a prayer for you whenever the Lord brings you to my mind. I cannot offer you any solace or peace, because i am in this horrendous nightmare with you, but as I write this, it occurs to me that maybe we are supposed to be praying for each other's peace? And that is when some relief will come? I don't know, except that answer didn't seem to come from me, so I will pray for you and Doreen, and whoever else the Lord is sending along this awful path...I'll let you know if it helps any...I am guessing it can't hurt...I can't possibly hurt any worse...so may even this day your sadness be just a little lighter...and know someone in this world is praying for you...Carol

Jun 11, 2012
i feel your pain
by: shaz

i read your sorrow and feel your pain.i also feel the other ladies pain.i found this site while not able to sleep,there has been so much no sleep,yet im exhasted and crave some peacefull sleep.my love was taken just over a week ago,and im numb,but yet writhing in pain.the guilt eats at me as we never made up after a stupid arguement,and i wasnt with my love the night he was taken.i dont know which way to turn,how to live and breathe without him.my insides are screaming to be heard,i just want him back.we bury him this week,and though i spent 5 years of glorious love with this man,and i grieve for him badly,his family now have pushed me to the side and i grieve on my own.i wish i could make the pain go away for you two wonderfull women,i pray for peace to go your way.

Jun 10, 2012
To Carol Kev's Wife
by: Doreen U.K. England

Hi Carol,
That is O.K. if you are having difficulty holding onto Jesus. I do to. I have a good relationship with Jesus and I am surprised at my anger towards him. I don't want to. But I am angry with God. I one time said to God. Steve's cancer is too serious caused by Asbestos for you to ever heal him. I turned on the God channel and there was a pastor's daughter who had a sarcoma. A serious cancer. She went through painful treatments before she got healing. Then David Jeremiah was healed by stem cell treatment. Dodie Osteen all on the American God T.V. was healed from cancer 30 years ago. Every book I seemed to pick up was of someone who was on their deathbed and suddenly sat up and that was the beginning of healing. We had someone visit us and laid hands on Steve and for 24 hours You would have thought Steve was healed. Steve was surprised. He looked perfect. He did not cough once he had no symptoms. Steve was happy saying to his nephew. All over America there are thousands of people praying for me. That is why I was taken by surprise when STeve drew his last breath. I felt let down by God. I trusted him. I would say to Steve it is not over till God says it is over so hang in there. I am gutted. I can't believe it. Steve has gone. God took him. God says in the Bible ask anything in my name and it will be done. I feel cheated. I feel angry. But I also feel all the other things also that Steve belongs to God so who am I to argue with God. But I need Steve. He retired we were meant to enjoy life. Now it is hard. The government has taken half of his pension back he worked hard for over 40 years and now I have to struggle. It is so cruel. This is HELL. Carol I honestly feel and understand how you feel. I wish I could talk to you directly and hold your pain. so you could feel better.
all my love Doreen

Jun 10, 2012
response to Doreen U.K.
by: kev's wife

Doreen, Thank you so much for taking the time in your own grief to reach out to me. I am praying for you today, on Steve's birthday. You are a half a world away, yet it seem we are feeling the same pain. Kevin was 54- I am 50. I know the words you say are true and I believe them, yet I cannot seem to feel them in my soul at this time. I try to pray for the strength of Jesus, but again, I cannot seem to hold onto Him at this time. I am not angry with God, because I know He would not hurt me as I, too, am His child. I just am having a hard time understanding how Heaven needed Kev more than I did...But thank you again..and my prayers are with you...God Bless You.

Jun 10, 2012
Life held in black trash bags
by: Doreen England U.K.

Hi Carol
I reply again to your email to say that you are greiving so badly you need to now consider talking to a counsellor in order to help with the pain you are in.
We feel the same way as you do that we don't have a place here anymore in the world without our loved one. But in reality this is not true. I found that changing my FOCUS helped me somewhat.
God taught me some time ago not to hold onto things too tightly as He could prize them from my hand anytime. This is my philosophy now. To hold things loosely. Everything I have and own belongs to God. It says so in the Bible. We come into this world with nothing and we leave with nothing. Even our husband's belong to God. He gives us people in our lives for our happiness and this is what is disturbed is our happiness. It is now up to God to heal and help us in our grief as we release our loved one back to God. Moving forward will be easier but still hard. One day at a time is all we have so try this. It is when we look at the bigger picture of what we could have had (which is what I find myself doing at times) this is what causes us more grief. Looking too far forward. You sound young so understandable how you feel. I am an older woman and so it will be easier for me as our life is a bit more shaky as we get older. I dread each day as it is filled with lonliness. I too like you have spent this morning sorting out all Steve's clothes and packed them into black bags and this is what has to be done but a painfull experience. I chose to do this now whilst I am numb and not feeling the full impact of doing this. It will be worse for me further down the line so my sister's have told me not to get rid of Steve's clothes yet as I would regret this so I am putting them in STeve's log cabin till I sort out my head.
Carol I hope what I have said will bring you some comfort by trying to change your FOCUS it will be less painfull for you.

Jun 09, 2012
Carol's Husband Kev
by: Doreen England U.K.

Hi Carol
Who would have thought that death could hurt so much. One American preacher put it this way as in the Bible. "O Death where is your sting" and that is what it is A STING.
Because of Sin we DIE. But Death is the last enemy that will be destroyed. If it was not for these wise words I would lose all Hope.
It is the HOPE of a better world to come that helps me day to day. If death was the end of all people we would be most miserable.
You are at the stage of searching and calling out for your loved one. This is just the beginning for us on what will be a long journey. I can't bear the lonliness. My husband Steve liked football (Soccer) and I am watching the world matches and he is not here watching this with me. I hate life now and find it hard to move on just like you do. Steve was my whole world. My heartbeat and now he has gone. It is his birthday tomorrow 10th June and We are going to the grave to put baloons up and plaques. I need to talk to Steve and he is not here. I feel so lost.

Jun 09, 2012
it only gets harder...
by: kev's wife

today i had to pack up his clothes. there are so many awful things about death that we don't think about until it happens. this wonderful good man's life...my everything...my world...was reduced to black trashbags.BLACK TRASH BAGS!!!!!! it is unforgivable...it is...to hard to accept. i don't think i will ever come to the other side of this pain. why wasn't i taken with him???it was me and kev and kev and me. who am i now? no one. i don't belong here anymore.don't you hear me Jesus?don't you hear me??I don't belong here. I don't have aplace here anymore!!! i don't want to be here without him. this hurts too much...please God this hurts too much...I need kevin.

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