Kieran Austin
by Erin
On Saturday, March 29th, we attended a wedding reception for my best friend, felt a little funny but never thought twice about it. On Monday still felt funny, and didn't feel my baby move, and didn't really want to go to work so I decided to go to the hospital to get checked out. They could not find his little heart beat. I had to deliver my baby at 34 weeks, knowing that he was dead. After delivering him the doctor told me that his cord got wrapped around his neck and he basically suffocated. All I kept thinking was this poor little baby died inside of me, probably hearing my voice and wondering why I was not helping him. I can't help but blame myself, if only I would have gone to the hospital sooner he would be here. After delivering him we got to hold him and I felt like it was a bad dream. I thought he was going to open his eyes and look me, or move, but he never did. He was so perfect. He was a little angel. His skin color and face was perfect. I wish I could remember his face though. Coming home to a house that was set for a baby, knowing that my baby shower was two weeks away and there was no baby. I just couldn't understand why? Why he was taken away from me. We had him cremated, sits on my dresser in a blue ceramic boxed with a picture of a little boy on it and his name. After almost two years I still talk to him and tell him how much I miss him and love him. The hospital took his pictures, which at first I was glad about, i figured I would forever have that to hold onto if I wanted to look. I eventually received them, and it was horrible. It kills me to say that, but those pictures were not anything like I remember him looking. Apparently they waited to take his pictures, he skin was cracked and peeling. I took them to get touched up because I needed something for me to have. I was cleaning my room up and found his hospital blanket and hats from the hospital, they didn't smell like baby anymore.I put everything into a Tupperware container and it made me so sad to think that my baby's entire life fits into one little container. Its coming up on two years that we loss him. Since then we had another baby, a little girl. I am so thankful, but there's not a day that goes by that I don't miss him. Mommy loves you so much!
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