Kieran Austin

by Erin
(Bucks County , pa)

Kieran Austin was his name. My beautiful baby boy, weighting 3lbs 9 ounces, never took a breath.

On Saturday, March 29th, we attended a wedding reception for my best friend, felt a little funny but never thought twice about it. On Monday still felt funny, and didn't feel my baby move, and didn't really want to go to work so I decided to go to the hospital to get checked out. They could not find his little heart beat. I had to deliver my baby at 34 weeks, knowing that he was dead.

After delivering him the doctor told me that his cord got wrapped around his neck and he basically suffocated. All I kept thinking was this poor little baby died inside of me, probably hearing my voice and wondering why I was not helping him. I can't help but blame myself, if only I would have gone to the hospital sooner he would be here.

After delivering him we got to hold him and I felt like it was a bad dream. I thought he was going to open his eyes and look me, or move, but he never did. He was so perfect. He was a little angel. His skin color and face was perfect. I wish I could remember his face though.

Coming home to a house that was set for a baby, knowing that my baby shower was two weeks away and there was no baby. I just couldn't understand why? Why he was taken away from me. We had him cremated, sits on my dresser in a blue ceramic boxed with a picture of a little boy on it and his name. After almost two years I still talk to him and tell him how much I miss
him and love him.

The hospital took his pictures, which at first I was glad about, i figured I would forever have that to hold onto if I wanted to look. I eventually received them, and it was horrible. It kills me to say that, but those pictures
were not anything like I remember him looking. Apparently they waited to take his pictures, he skin was cracked and peeling. I took them to get touched up because I needed something for me to have.

I was cleaning my room up and found his hospital blanket and hats from the hospital, they didn't smell like baby anymore.I put everything into a Tupperware container and it made me so sad to think that my baby's entire life fits into one little container.

Its coming up on two years that we loss him. Since then we had another baby, a little girl. I am so thankful, but there's not a day that goes by that I don't miss him. Mommy loves you so much!

Comments for Kieran Austin

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Jan 25, 2011
hearts that never heal
by: Silver girl

I have no other words other than i feel your pain.... and you are honestly never alone.

Every moment of every day there appear to be lots of us going through the motions but doing so with hearts not quite the same as before.

I lost my baby only in december and was told yesterday morning that i will not be able to have children now.

You will now walk through life with me, in my thoughts and i wish you as much happiness as it is possible for you to have.


Jan 25, 2011
Kieran will always have your heart
by: TrishJ

I worked for doctors for many years. One doctor I worked for was a female obstetrician~two weeks before she was to join our practice she lost her first born son Mason~he suffocated in his sleep~he was only 8 weeks old. She, as a physician, tried desperately to do infant CPR on him but was unsuccessful. She had to start a new job (in our OB/GYN office) where patients were bringing in their babies with them to their 6 week check ups. It was so hard for her. She had another son 18 months later but her love for her first born will never go away.

One day our other doctor was complaining that her patients were backin up (she was getting behind). I found her crying in her office one day~she was clutching a small photo of her first son. She said, "I know we have Jeremy now but I'm supposed to have a three year old~I'm supposed to be taking Mason to pre-school and teaching him all of his letters and colors."

My heart totally broke for her as I just sat there and let her have a good cry. I thought the patients are just going to have to wait. This is important.

She went on to have two other healthy happy children but she will forever be Mason's mother. He will always be her first born child.
As a nurse I can tell you please don't feel guilty about what happened. The minimal symptoms you were feeling could not have signaled you that something was so seriously wrong. I saw these things happen all the time and the moms didn't really have a clue that anything was wrong. There is no good explanation. The moms always blamed themselves. There really was nothing you could have done.

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