Kim Paull Guryn

by Julianne
(Chicago)

8 months ago my sister died, 3 weeks before that my dad died and my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer plus she has dementia . Needless to say this was the worst year of my family's life. We are a super close family . My sister had 3 son's who were her world , 4 grand-daughters and her amazing boyfriend Tim who was with her for her entire sickness . Some people think it's creepy that I wear her clothes, some people think it's weird that we made a pillow out of one of her shirts and that we still cry over certain songs and I am starting to feel crazy because losing my dad and sister 3 weeks apart 8 months ago , I am not ready to give their belongings . I wear her clothes because it makes me feel better , is that nuts ? What is this time frame of grief ? According to certain people because I am 47 yrs old I am suppose to grow-up move on , get rid of their stuff , get over the crying , what are these rules for grief, my daughter made me a pillow from my sister shirt, I got a remark from a certain person that "This needs to stop , it's weird" , yesterday was our 1st Christmas without them , today was harder for me more then yesterday but again I am being told I am acting crazy I need professional help , I am not depressed , However , I am very sad that my dad & sister are gone . I go to work , I eat , I function , but I cry sometimes so I am wondering if I really am crazy ? I just want my dad & sister to know that I live them both sooo much & miss them to pieces .

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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Comments for Kim Paull Guryn

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Mar 05, 2015
Not crazy
by: Sandy

Kim....no you are not crazy....your love ran very deep and I truly believe that our grief matches the depth of our love. I lost my mom, brother and step dad all within 2 and 1/2 weeks...it is devastating.......
I am so sorry about your loss.....and I do understand. I think you should be able to do whatever you need to get through this difficult time as long as it is legal and makes you feel better. My thoughts and prayers are with you......

Jan 11, 2015
Kim Paull Guryn
by: Doreen UK

Julianne I am so sorry for your loss of your sister, your Dad, and now your Mom to such a cruel illness that has its own demands.
I feel so angry for you, to read about the people in your life who are insensitive and obnoxious to say the least. Who makes them an authority over grief, and loss? If they have any wisdom it would be that they leave you alone to grieve how you need to and not with people who are clueless, and ignorant.
What you need is supportive loving people who will walk with you through your grief journey and let you be yourself to grieve in whichever way you need to.
You are not Crazy. The people who annoy you with their ignorance, are the one's who are crazy. You don't need them around you. Always remember to walk away from people who pull you down, and don't say something that will lift you up, and encourage you.
I lost my husband to a deadly cancer 2yrs. 9months ago and I am not crazy to wear his shirts. I wear one over a dress when I do house painting. I have other's that I treasure when he wore them and I too will proudly wear them to feel close to him and honor his memory. Nothing crazy about this. It is a part of caring for the life you shared with your sister, and your father.
I shrug off what people say, since they have no right to pass judgment or opinions on anyone else. It takes a long time to find the peace from sorrow and grief. But it will come with time, and taking one day at a time. Even almost 3yrs. on I still only barely function. I don't let anyone dictate to me how I should live my life or how to handle my grief. Negative small minded people will always have something to gripe about. You will know when to dispose of the clothing, and how you move forward.
I have four sisters and only one is loving and supportive. The other's I have let go since they do not make a valuable contribution to my life by how they behave. I confronted them for their judgments before I walked away. Build up your self esteem and don't let anyone steal this. When other's see your confidence and ability to know your own mind and what you want and expect and how you are not phased by what they say they will be the one's that will be left looking foolish for having been negative towards you and not supportive. You will recover from your grief in time as we all will. But till then let us keep writing, and supporting each other where we are in our grief journey.

Dec 29, 2014
Kim Paull Guryn
by: Lynn

Oh Kim -- please don't pay attention to other people -- every grieves at their pace -- my brother John passed away last December 22 on his way home for Christmas -- it was horrible -- he and his wife had been married almost 30 years -- they were unable to have children -- so they were each other lives -- both of my parents are deceased -- my family is very close too -- I tell John's wife -- to not let anyone tell her how to grieve --- she was sick this Christmas with pneumonia -- and unable to go to her parents -- she said she felt like she made herself sick from crying --

Kim -- I want you to know I am praying for you -- crying is healing and you need to grieve -- some how God will show you a new normal -- that is what I tell my sister in law -- we are all learning a new normal --

Bless you my friend!!!

Dec 29, 2014
Kim Paull Guryn
by: Lynn

Oh Kim -- please don't pay attention to other people -- every grieves at their pace -- my brother John passed away last December 22 on his way home for Christmas -- it was horrible -- he and his wife had been married almost 30 years -- they were unable to have children -- so they were each other lives -- both of my parents are deceased -- my family is very close too -- I tell John's wife -- to not let anyone tell her how to grieve --- she was sick this Christmas with pneumonia -- and unable to go to her parents -- she said she felt like she made herself sick from crying --

Kim -- I want you to know I am praying for you -- crying is healing and you need to grieve -- some how God will show you a new normal -- that is what I tell my sister in law -- we are all learning a new normal --

Bless you my friend!!!

Dec 28, 2014
they need to get over it
by: Jean

Julianne...Let me start by saying I am so sorry for your double loss.
Now, I want to ask you a question. Who lost exactly what you lost? No one did. Your relationship was unique to you and your sister. They may have lost her to, but their relationship was not yours (I truly hope you are understanding what I am trying to say here).
I too was chastised for some of the things we did after the loss of our daughter 14 yrs ago. Like placing a plate with her picture by it at our Christmas table. Still lighting a candle by her picture at Christmas and her birthday. I too was told to get over it. It hurt at the time but as time goes on I have learned they didn't loose what I lost. Their life goes on, mine will NEVER be the same. So they are the one that need to get over it. You greave the loss of your sister the way you can and want to. It is YOUR loss not theirs. If they can go as if nothing happened, let them. This is about you and her and the rest of your life without her. No book tells you how to do this and so you do it the best you can.
The good news is time will teach you to adjust(I did not say get over it)and you will learn to be happy again.
Be proud you had the relationship with your sister that makes it hard to go on without her. Too bad others didn't.
May your memories become nothing but happy ones that make you smile and laugh. It will happen.
Jean

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