kristina 4-17-2013

by bonnie kaufman
(loveland co)

I read genevive's post about the death of her son. I let her know what had happened to our daughter Kristina. who admitted to hospital the same day as her son passed,and for 23 days she fought a valiant battle. she had a I guess it could be called a cooking accident. she spilled boiling water on herself and had 3rd degree burns on 10% of her body.

Kristina was diagnosed in 2000 with autoimmune hepatitis which led to stage 4 liver disease. she had been on the transplant for almost 2 years. during the time she was being treated she had numerous other health issues all related to her comprised immune system, among them was she had severely low clotting time and blood counts would drop to severe. then she would have to have transfusions.

Kris, as we called her had been in and out of the hospital over the years so many times but was always able to recover. this time however it was not meant to be. she developed infections in her burns and skin grafting would have to done. but because of her clotting time the surgeon told us that she would only have an 80% chance of surviving the surgery. and a 75% rate of dying from infection if no surgery was done. so they treated the burns and kept giving her transfusions with hope that her blood count stay high enough to do the grafts.

that did not happen. her kidneys started to fail ARDs set in and she developed internal bleeding that could not be stopped or located. as fast as she was receiving blood she was bleeding it out. then her liver failed along with her kidneys. her dad and I gave the doctors the authority to remove her from life support. she passed away the day after our 50th wedding anniversary.

we miss her so much. I feel that this tragedy would not have happened if she had not been so stubborn and independent. she was 45. she lived by herself and refused to move back home until she had a transplant. she would say she was an adult and should not have to live with her parents, even though her doctors told her that she should not live alone.

my husband and I took care of her final arrangements. we packed up her apartment by ourselves and dealt and with her landlord pushing to move her belongings out because he had already rented the apartment. as soon as we told him she had died he put out a for rent sign.

Kris only asked that she be cremated. she did not asked for a funeral service of any kind. the only thing she requested is that we take care of her dog and her personal belongings. her dog is with us along with most of her things. since she had made any special request other than being cremated, she also is with us.

now well meaning people are telling us that we will not have closure because of no funeral or memorial service. she had lost contact with the majority of her friends and what is left of both our families are not close. we have a younger daughter who lives over 500 miles from us and twice drove here in a blizzard. she feels the same way we do. we did what Kris wanted. are we wrong by not having a service?

Comments for kristina 4-17-2013

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Sep 17, 2013
Tell me
by: Genevieve

Why do our children had to go? The pain we go trough is fact, there is no description for the pain we feel.

I am sorry for your daughter. She was a courageous
person. You must miss her so much as much as I miss my son.
People say that God knows why they had to go.
Well..I's like to talk to him ..if he exist which I have serious doubts

I can't say I will pray ..but I will keep you in my thoughts. Be as brave as your daughter.

Sep 09, 2013
kristina 4-17-2013
by: bonnie kaufman

when I posted the events that led up to our daughter's death, I did not post that 2 weeks later my husband and I got a phone call from Texas that my brother had passed away in his sleep. It was taking me so long to compose my thoughts. and I also have a very temperamental computer that tries my patience.

when I was able to talk to my nephew we both did our best to console one another. my nephew said his dad had just told him about Kris. I will miss my brother forever. We were not close, but not because of any issues. Our lives took different paths.

My brother had made specific instructions with regards to his final wishes. we did not attend his funeral. I hope you all understand.

My brother was married twice and had 5 kids from the two. there was nothing but bickering among them while the arrangements were being finalized . why do funerals seem to bring out the worst in people? I know the answer. I guess that if we could of had the money for a funeral for Kris, I still don't think I would.

Sep 08, 2013
I understand.
by: Jilly

Dear Bonnie,Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your daughter Kris.

I really admire you that you carried out your daughter's wishes. This shows respect and love.

What others say does not matter. They are not experiencing your loss and do not have a clue what it is to grieve. Otherwise they would not be insensitive at a time you need support.

My beloved mum wanted a simple short funeral. I adhered to her wishes and am not responsible for what an in-law did. After the funeral lots of strangers were invited - something mum would not have wanted. This inlaw admitted later it was to ease her conscience about not visiting my mum.

You had years where your devotion to Kris must have brought her such comfort. Knowing we are loved and wanted is a Blessing.

You carried out your daughters wishes. That was true love.

Thinking of youX

Sep 08, 2013
Kristina 4-17-2013
by: Doreen U.K.

Bonnie I am sorry for your loss of your daughter. A death causes fractures in the family and extended family. Many offer their opinions even if this is well meaning. But they don't know! They are speaking out of their own experience. They cannot speak for you. None of us ever know if we are making the right decision. Go with your gut feeling. You carried out your daughter's wishes. You respected this, and this is all that is important. HOLD ON TO YOUR OWN DECISION. You did it for the right reasons. There is no RIGHT or WRONG decision regarding a funeral if you do it for the RIGHT REASONS. Which was you HONOURING your DAUGHTER'S WISHES.
I lost my husband to cancer 16 months ago. We never discussed DEATH. We avoided this. We only talked when He was in the Hospice. The chaplain came and tried to get me to honour the wishes of my husband's relatives by including them and giving them the first privilege of choice. I WAS ANGRY. I then told my husband that the only thing I didn't like about his culture was the fact that the wife and all women relatives are not allowed at the graveside. My husband then said. Don't let that Chaplain come back here again. He said verbally. "I want a Christian funeral" and a Cremation. My husband became a Christian before we married forsaking his own religion. His family believe in BURIAL and not CREMATION. But my husband made out a WILL & TESTAMENT to say He gives ME his wife permission to make the final decision. My husband's family came to me to beg for a BURIAL and not a CREMATION. I had always respected and honoured my husband's family. I went against my husband's wishes for a CREMATION and gave him a BURIAL. I knew my husband would know I made the right decision for the right reasons which was to HONOUR HIS FAMILY. He also gave me the final decision in his WILL. My husband died of an "Industrial Disease Cancer". His body could not be released for burial till the Inquest and the Coroner's permission. It was 20 days before we had his funeral. His family persecuted me because they bury their dead after 1 day. They said I did this to hurt them. They persecuted me for mentioning CREMATION saying my husband would never have mentioned CREMATION. We had a good funeral A grave plot for 2 which means I will be buried in the same plot. I did a beautiful gravestone memorial and I am happy with how everything went even having the Wake in a Pub with all my husband's work mates there to celebrate his life. My story is too long to talk of further persecution from relatives. So I do understand what you say about relatives not being close. I am content. My husband would have been happy with me changing his decision to include his Family out of respect. Often hard decisions have to be made and not everyone will agree or be happy with our decisions. BUT it is still our decision.

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