by Kristina

It started with a toothache at the end of September that my husband took painkillers for. He then had severe diarrhea through the night for around 6 weeks; he wouldn't go to doctor, but got Immodium instead. Finally he went to the dentist where it was discovered he had an undetected abcess; treatment for a week and then returned to have tooth removed.

We thought he would start to get better but he continued to get weaker. Returned to dentist, as he felt had another toothache, where discovered teeth were fine and dentist said he should go to the hospital.

3 hours later, my husband is in an observation ward hooked up to oxygen, antibiotics and saline drips. Had a full body scan and they found a problem with his liver... that was New Years Eve 2009.. over the next 3 weeks neither of us left the hospital, he had a Bone Marrow Biopsy, many many blood tests, colonoscopy and cameras down his throat.

They had told us at the beginning that it was Cancer but because he was severely anemic (total of 11 bags of blood given) they could not locate it, so no real diagnosis could be made.

2 weeks after Chris was admitted, he was moved to a specialist Hospital... He had good days and bad and we were still hopeful that they could 'fix' him, although by now I didn't think he would have been well enough to handle Chemo..

We talked one day and he said he wasn't scared to die, always thought (his words) he was really selfish, but was more scared for me and our daughter. We both cried, but remained optimistic that he was in the best place..

His veins started to collapse and was too difficult to take blood OR to get meds into him. We were told 21st Jan 2010 that it was cancer and being signed over to Oncologist the next day..

I literally SAW the fight leave him, and he died at 11:10am the next morning. They brought him back once and I was then holding his hand, telling him I loved him.. I whispered in his ear "Baby you can go now if you want, I will be ok". He squeezed my thumb and minutes later I watched him take his last breath..

That was 4 weeks ago, I am totally Lost without him, I kinda knew he was gonna die but wasn't prepared. I have been 'running' ever since, and trying to be strong for our 16 yr old daughter.. we both have our moments where the reality hits us like a train..

I know I need to give in to the grief and the Reality of our loss, it just seems too hard and if I fall, I may never get back up. I am constantly doing something, anything to stop me thinking this is real, this has really happened and he is GONE and never coming back.

Comments for Kristina

Click here to add your own comments

Mar 01, 2010
Thank you
by: kristina

Thank you so much Pat, it doesn't get any better with time like people are telling me, it's always there, I can just sometimes cope better than others.. I know it's only been 5 weeks and to a degree I'm still in Denial. I'm not in my home country although I do have my parents and some good friends..

I am so sorry for the pain and hurt you are going through, the not knowing how long he has and as much as you think you are preparing, it will still hit you like a train when it happens.

Be kind to yourself and may you find the strength to get through this terrible time. There is nothing anyone can say that will make it any less painful, scary or worrying for you..

Alots of love, Kristina xx

Feb 21, 2010
My prayers are with you.
by: Pat

I am so sorry for your great loss. I too am in the worst time of my life. My beautiful husband of 46 years, my soulmate and my rock, has been in Hospice care since Thanksgiving 2009 and knowing he will never be home again breaks my heart. I know I still have him, and he is fighting with all his strength to try to get better, not realizing that he is at the end of his long journey.

I love him so much and already miss him so much. I come home every day to an empty house and I know how very much you are hurting - it is like going through a nightmare and you just want to wake up and find out it isn't true. I will pray for you to have the strength to get through these difficult times and I know there is a Hand guiding me and helping me to get through this difficult time. God Bless!


Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!