Kyle Lawson, 3 years after the loss

by Wendy Evans
(Kennesaw, GA)

Today is the third anniversary of the departure of my 21 year old son, Kyle. Kyle died in 2009 from a complication with his insulin pump. It was never expected that he would die at such a young age and certainly not due to a medical device complication. I have read so much to try to get a grasp on the new reality I live in since 2009. The Stages of Grief, the Timelines of Grief, How to get Through Grief, etc. These articles or books are great roadmaps but they do not adequately explain the hell that is about to enter your heart and mind. I imagine objective studies can’t possibly tell the whole story. Only if one has walked down that dreadful road do they truly understand.

I miss my Son with the same intensity as the early days after his loss. There is still a part of me that thinks he will walk though the back door on Sunday with his laundry in a basket asking if he can wash his clothes. These Sundays were precious to me. As the laundry runs, we spend excellent time together talking, laughing, watching movies and hugging (a lot). Everyday this week I looked at dates, events and schedules and thought to myself “three years ago today Kyle was still with us”.

I don’t know if I am on track with the projected timelines of healing from grief. I do know that, looking back, I have come a long way. Somehow, this brings little encouragement to me. I no longer feel as if I am underwater watching the world go by as I am engulfed in something that will not let me go. I can sleep at night but I do still have nightmares. I am functioning at work but at a diminished capacity. It is all marginal, in fact, I am marginal. This Mother’s love never dies, even if the child does

Comments for Kyle Lawson, 3 years after the loss

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May 17, 2013
Kyle Lawson, 4 years after the loss
by: Wendy Evans

I am amazed that another year has past since this original post. I am still here and have met more people who have lost children in their lives. More than ever I realize that only those who have suffered this loss can understand the meaning of a date or event that is attached to their lost child. The Sadiversary (as I call it) or their birthday, a siblings wedding or a family gathering. Always a void in every celebration and every tragedy. I understand no more now about how this happened than I did a year ago, or 4 years ago. My precious family and friends make every effort to bring me comfort. I love them for that. For all who read the posts on this website I pledge to never offer a solution of any kind to end your pain. I know there is no solution. All we can do is lean on each other in silence knowing that there is an understanding between us that needs no words. In memory of my son, Kyle, I wish all the grieving parents, Grandparents, Siblings and Friends that read this a whisper of peace for a moment as we remember our loved ones gone too soon.

Dec 06, 2012
The Holidays
by: Wendy Evans

Here we are in the Holiday Season. This will be the 4th Christmas without Kyle. Feeling like I have been hit by a truck. No energy, overwhelming sadness and longing to hug my Son.

Many of us are in this situation at this time of year. I encourgage all who read this to comment on something they are feeling or doing to push through this painful time of year.

I wish for peace and comfort to envelop all the families who have lost a child.

May 23, 2012
To Sean's Mom
by: Wendy

Thank you for commenting on my earlier post. I wish I could offer something of comfort to you. After 6 months you must still feel raw with emotion. I hope the reading helps some. The best book I read is "The Worst Loss, How Families Heal from the Death of a Child" by Barbara Rosof. I just checked on Amazon.com and it is availble in paperback.

I understand what you mean about searching for faith. Before Kyle died I thought of myself as a woman who was strong in faith...I later learned that I was not. I wish that somehow I could know, in my soul, that he was safe and happy and we would be together again someday. The statement that you made about our Sons experiencing something we have not is very insightful. That had never entered my mind but you are right! Maybe that is where the anxiety comes from?

I wish for you to find every resource available for your broken heart. 6 months is not very long when you consider how much time, love and energy you invested in your Son. Hugs to your heart from mine.

May 21, 2012
From an old timer
by: Anonymous

Dear Moms,

I have been on this forced journey for 6 years. I have dreaded every anniversary, but I no longer dread the days. They come and they go like they have always done for generations. A slow walk around the cemetery where my son is buried reminds me that many parents grieve. Our loss is not unique. Many parents have been forced to bury their child for one reason or another. Our pain is alike and yet, unique. It is hard to grasp the world view. We did not have a say in the choices our first parents made and because of those choices we live in a world gone mad. No matter what, we are not left alone to grieve. Our tears fill up bottles in heaven. For complete understanding of "why" we have to wait. Some day it will all be made clear. Until then, our children sleep the sleep of death. They do not know of our sorrow. I am grateful for that. I am learning to be thankful for all the years I was fortunate to have with my son. I am sad for his depression that I have come to understand. There are good memories - and you have shared some here. It is hard to live in the bad memories. And it does help to reach out to help someone else. It's hard to explain how that is, but it just works. I reach out to you and you reach back. Our shared stories warm our hearts even if only for a little while. My story turned into a book which still amazes me. And I too, want to read those books written by parents who have lost a child. I know I will see my son again. We have hope in God and His Word. Be blessed, my friends. GT

May 20, 2012
so sorry for your loss
by: jon

Thank you for sharing this.

There is nothing that can replace a child


May 20, 2012
Kyle
by: Anonymous

Loosing a child is the most painful and devastating experience a parent can go through, no book, no psychologist can give you a time line. Every one griefs different, but every one must try to help him or herself to move forward, as a mother who lost her son as well, there were times and still are times that the physical absence of my son has been unbearable. Now I can tell you that finding a reason and a way to spend the days ahead is very important, find a cause to get involved, find a non profit organization to whom you can devote time in your son's name, try for his life to continue to be meaningful by the things you do in his name. As for me that has helped me cope and not feel it is all over, find a pass time, I found gardening, water color painting(which I never did before) since my son died in a motorcycle accident I am active in raising awareness for the motorcyclist doing things that can change someone else life and maybe help prevent what happened to your son and mine. These things do not change your reality or mine but helps to cope and to feel that through you your son is still giving. To make the death of our loved children a reason to save others, increase awareness and overall make this terrible event a meaningful one and extend that beautiful memory while allowing yourself to heal. You must not give up, hold on to whatever faith you have,seek the strength from the God above, he is our maker and who better than God knows how much pain we can endure. I read all the grieving books I could find, I went to counseling, at the end I realized it was all within me and to allow time to be the greatest healer of all. My deepest condolence to you, and I hope that you too can move forward and realize this too is a living lesson that somehow can serve a purpose for those we meet in life.
take care and give yourself the opportunity to heal, knowing that the scar in you heart will always be there and at times will bleed, but with greater inner strength. Find that inner strength, you have it.

May 20, 2012
I am so Sorry
by: carol,seans mom

Wendy, I have only been living this heart wrenching life for six months. My 24 year old son died in November. He should of turned 25 on April 6th. I am in a very dark world now. I also read alot of books. I tend to get the books where the author has also lost a child so I know they get it. There is no describing this feeling. I always say I am hurt. I am full of pain and panic. I can not believe for the rest of my life I don't get to see my hansome 24 year old son. I woke up today and I was thinking I should be saying I have a 25 year old son. He was the oldest of three and my only son. He was quiet yet had a sarcastic sense of humor. The doctors say for him to die the way he did everything had to happen just when it did. It was rare for a 24 year old to die in his sleep like that. What do we do now. I saw you have been in this for three years and I can't imagine. I feel for you and I want you to know from one mom who lost her son to another I know your pain and I don't think anyone should ever have to feel this. I struggle with faith and hope. I hope Sean is at peace and ok,because I know the rest of his family is not. I hope he is not sad like we are. Ironiclly our boys have experienced something we have not. That scares me. I need to know that maybe I will feel his spirit or when I leave feel his love again. I hope he knew I needed him as much as he needed me. I am lost and in pain these days. Hoping to find some inner peace.

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