Kyle Lawson, 3 years after the loss
by Wendy Evans
Today is the third anniversary of the departure of my 21 year old son, Kyle. Kyle died in 2009 from a complication with his insulin pump. It was never expected that he would die at such a young age and certainly not due to a medical device complication. I have read so much to try to get a grasp on the new reality I live in since 2009. The Stages of Grief, the Timelines of Grief, How to get Through Grief, etc. These articles or books are great roadmaps but they do not adequately explain the hell that is about to enter your heart and mind. I imagine objective studies can’t possibly tell the whole story. Only if one has walked down that dreadful road do they truly understand.
I miss my Son with the same intensity as the early days after his loss. There is still a part of me that thinks he will walk though the back door on Sunday with his laundry in a basket asking if he can wash his clothes. These Sundays were precious to me. As the laundry runs, we spend excellent time together talking, laughing, watching movies and hugging (a lot). Everyday this week I looked at dates, events and schedules and thought to myself “three years ago today Kyle was still with us”.
I don’t know if I am on track with the projected timelines of healing from grief. I do know that, looking back, I have come a long way. Somehow, this brings little encouragement to me. I no longer feel as if I am underwater watching the world go by as I am engulfed in something that will not let me go. I can sleep at night but I do still have nightmares. I am functioning at work but at a diminished capacity. It is all marginal, in fact, I am marginal. This Mother’s love never dies, even if the child does