Last time with my son

by Donna
(MT)

Well son, I just admitted to myself I don’t know how to live without you. You were my life for 23 years; you may not have realized it, but most everything I did was for you, to make your life better, or easier. Even after all the hell you put us thru in Epping, I still felt the same way. It may not have seemed that way sometimes to you. We had our fights, but I still loved you and always will.

I am trying to find a life for myself. I guess that is why I bought the motor home, cause I knew you were going to be gone to Canada soon. Not the way you are now, I planned on visits, phone calls, email.

But I knew I needed to build a life of my own, now I have to do it with out the phone calls etc…..

Damm you Jake. I’m sure you cussed me as you left the house. How could I call the cops? Well the way you were acting I knew I couldn’t help you. You were not in your right mind. You had been taking cold pills all week, and then you started drinking that day.

You grabbed a pen, aimed it at your eye and said "I die now". What was I to think? You were too big for me to handle, and you had already taken a couple of half-hearted swings at me. And then you were talking like a Star Trek character .

This is how my son left.
A police officer showed up just as I was leaving work the next day to let me know my son had killed himself.

Comments for Last time with my son

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Apr 16, 2010
I am sorry
by: Anonymous

Hello there,

Been a few weeks since I have posted. I am finally crying and grieving. Took almost a year. I feel better when I cry and do it a little every day. I read a great book that really helped. It is called "The Worst Loss". I recommend it to everyone who has lost a child. My son and I have finally talked about his feelings. He cried when he told me about finding his brother dead. My heart went out to him.

We all miss Courtney. He could be difficult to live with at times, but most of that was because of his brain damage. I regret that I will never see him get married and have kids for me to spoil. I regret that he never really had a chance at life and that the last 2 years of his life were so miserable. I regret all the things I did and said while he was growing up that were wrong. I did the best I could, but just wasn't equipped to really help him. I wish I had told him I loved him more often.

My biggest thing right now is how to help my son deal with his grief and memories. He was alone when he found his brother and had no support at that time. He seems reluctant to talk to me about it for fear of upsetting me. I am trying to encourage him to talk. He refuses to go to counseling. How do I help him erase those terrible visions of his brother dead? I know he will never forget it but I want it to be something he can think about without it hurting him so much.

Any comments would be greatly appreciated. Do get the book I spoke of. It is a great help.

Heidi

Apr 15, 2010
HOW DO I LIVE WITHOUT YOU
by: sue

Hi Donna, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my 34 year old son 6 months ago. I too have guilt. I changed my life because I knew if I didn't change he never would, he was headed down the wrong path and no matter what I said he refused to listen or he'd deny all wrong doing. I moved out of my home because I knew as long as I had a house he would always come running back and I'd have to support him and clean after him while he continued to do drugs and go out drinking with friends.

I drove him to work and picked him up from work when he had a job, he was a loan officer, and I never saw a penny; he'd say he's waiting for this loan to close or some excuse so he'd keep borrowing and borrowing and I would never see a dime. If he wasn't working he lay around the house all day playing xbox (I bought him) the fourth one because he would sell them when he was desperate for money, telling me it got stolen (again).

He had such a kind heart but he had no confidence in himself, he just could not seem to make it in the real world, I thought if I quit being his crutch he'd have to grow up and hopefully he'd meet a nice girl and settle down and get his license back so he could go back to doing what he loved to do, sell cars.

He had the gift of gab. Well two months after my move a police officer was at my door telling me my son passed, he was found on his friends sofa he went to sleep and never woke up; the cause of death was a enlarged heart from drugs and drinking.

I wish he would have come to me and said he needed help he came to me for everything else, I would of moved heaven and earth to help him. I thought I was helping him grow up, but instead I feel like I killed him. I know now he really couldn't make it on his own, he still needed me. I don't know how to get past this.

Feb 06, 2010
The pain
by: ytters-mom

Tonight is again a hell night, my cousins wife stopped by to visit. she is very nice but not sure how to handle Jake bring gone. No one does, nor do they understand me and how I feel. They all want to say something to make me feel better... well bring my son back. But that won't happen... if I could make it happen I would step outside and scream, but the neighbors would not understand. So I will do this come this spring, when I can get the rv out again.

Well my supper is done so I will go now
D

Feb 04, 2010
Your comments
by: Heidi

Dear Donna,

I lost my son, Courtney, on June 27, 2008. He suffered from seizures caused by a beating he received from the police. He suffered for 2 years with them and the medications the doctors gave him.

The day he died he was taking a bath in our whirlpool tub when he had another seizure and drowned. His 16 year old brother found him. I was not at home when it happened or I would have found him.

I was in a very deep depression for a year. Went to bed and drank. I lost my will to live. Then, on July 22nd, I started therapy for the drinking and I have been sober since. It was the best thing I could have done. I am feeling more normal now and have just started to grieve. I couldn't cry for a year. I now cry every day at least once, but it feels good. I take multi-vitamins and herbal supplements and feel 100% better.

My son and I had many disagreements at the end. Mostly caused by his head injury. I feel so guilty for everything I may have said and/or done that hurt him. I know I made mistakes in his life and I wish I could make them better.

I miss him so much. My heart and arms hurt. I want to feel his arms around me and hear him say "I love you, Mom". How will I go on without him? Why did God have to do this to me? It is the worst pain I have ever felt.

I pray for you that you find ways to help ease your pain. I would be happy to write to anyone who is suffering the same pain and hope you will write back. My email address for anyone is snowplace@aol.com.

Take care and know you are not alone.

Heidi

Feb 03, 2010
Condolences
by: Anonymous

Donna, my condolences on the passing of your son Jake. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through at this moment, but all I can say is I wish you warmth and courage to get through this.

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