Leaving the past behind
(widowhood :( USA)
I long for the day when I can say to only a rare few people that he died a year, 2 years ago and not count the months days and hours that he has been gone.
I say that because he died yes I can finally say died vs/ he left. If he left he would be coming back. But he is not...Ever. He Died 14 months ago today. Almost to the hour, but I try SO hard not to think of that. Try so hard not to let that day invade my day and make me a mess of emotions. I push that day back like a sour vile bile that comes up as a memory as I try my damndest to go on with this life that I have been dealt, but am not welcoming.
So far I have 7 boxes of books in the car to donate. It might be spring cleaning for some but each thing that I touch and donate is like a burning memory that I hafta let go. People keep telling me that Paul would want me to be happy, want to go on. That is easy to say, sorta like how to lose weight, easy to say hard to do.
My logic and emotions fight each other daily, guess which one always wins? So as I go through "Our things" from our house I try to be detached. just a simple yes or no....Do you use it? will you read it? will you wear it? By the time I am done I will need a moving truck to dispose of all the memories that we had.
I will be going through the garage as well(eventually). His space His place. I try to act as if I am trying to help someone else and not myself. That is the only way to get rid of things, our things our life what was but isn't anymore.
And maybe Just maybe when this place is painted and redone to an extent...I can call it my life and someday be comfortable with it.